The Dance of the Chocobos
by Bishonen no Miko
Summary: IF YOU EVEN THINK YOU LIKE FFVII, YOU MUST READ THIS! Freshly revamped for quality!
1. Director's Cut

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Director's Cuts

Director: Hi! My name is Crystal, but you can call me Yoji-san!

The director, a 5' 9" 17-year-old in a pair of studded black leather pants, a red lace-up halter top, red suede knee high stiletto boots, and an insane looking Kefka beret (as in the French hat) walks into a bar, and the bartender says---

Ah, never mind. You wouldn't get it.

So anyways, she's talking on her PHS (PHone System), dragging a rather ominous looking black bird (known generally as Ostrageious Chickenous Mixedous, or Chocobo for short) behind her. The bird, who's got the swirly eyes like it's out of stamina, is stumbling around with a large load of boxes on its back.

Crystal: When are you gonna be ready to go? I'm already here waiting!

Person on the other line: I'm on my way! Geez, do you think I'd pass up a chance to see Sephy?

Crystal: It depends on if you had the right hat or not.

Person on the other line: You're the one with the insane Kefka beret.

Crystal::gasp: How do you know such a thing?

Person on the other line: I read the beginning. Duh.

Crystal: Oh. Well, let's submit our wonderful bishonen to some horendously dangerous situations, shall we?

Person on the other line: Lets.

Crystal hangs up her PHS and puts it away in her overly-huge-purse-that's- meant-to-carry-everything-because-girls-aren't-light-packers bag. She then rummages through it for a few hours.

:rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage rummage:

Meanwhile, the person on the other line has arrived. She's a 5' 5" girl with shoulder length black hair pulled up into a messy ponytail wearing a silver bodice and a fluffy green skirt. Her name is Angael.

Angael: You carry too much.

Crystal: You talk too much.

Finally, after much rummaging, Crystal pulls out a small metal remote control, presses a big red button, and waits... and waits... and waits.

Angael: You have to turn it on.

Crystal: Oh.

She turns it on.

Angael: Now press the button.

She presses the button. A swirly blue portal appears. In front of it, a blue text box appears that says: Crystal used key item "Portal Remote". A portal to Final Fantasy VII appeared!

Crystal: Neato torpedo!

The two of them walk through the portal, the Ostrageious Chikenous Mixedous following close behind.

It'll get better! Much better! I just wanted to give you a small taste test of what was to come. Please RandR! In the next episode, the Turks and the Evil Chocobo Drinking Game (No, not really). Thank you for reading! Trust me, it'll get more insane


	2. In the Beginning

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobo: In the Beginning

So anyways, the bartender says, "What'll ya have?", and the director says, "I'll have a glass of tea, and my friend here will have..."

Nah, you still wouldn't get it.

Crystal and Angael appear in the middle of nowhere (which happens to be the nowhere between the Chocobo Stables and the Marshes). Crystal looks around blankly for a while while Angael attempts to catch the insane black Ostrageious Chikenous Mixedous

Director: Can't I just call it a chocobo?

Voice in the director's head: Yeah... whatever.

…the insane black chocobo, who is suffering from severe shock. As we all know, chocobos shouldn't be subjected to such things as time/space travel. Their puny brains weren't built to handle such... OH! LOOK! A QUARTER! (Insert insanely super long pause) What was I saying?

Angael: Get back here you dumb bird!

Chocobo: Wark!

Angael: I'll "wark" you!

Crystal: Brother chocobo, I shall save you!

Crystal throws her beret at Angael, who get's hit in the head. Kefka, appearing for no apparent reason, runs across the field and grabs the stray French hat, then continues running until he's out of sight.

Angael, Crystal, and Cloud: O.O;

Crystal: Cloud! What're you doing here?

Cloud: I was wondering what you two ladies were staring at.

Crystal: Lady? No one's ever called me a lady before... Just a hormone- crazed fiend...

Cloud: ...can I go now?

Angael: No.

Cloud looks at the two in confusion (as usual), then over to the chocobo.

Cloud: Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Angael: What?

Cloud: Can I borrow your chocobo? We've been trying to get one for hours to cross the Marshes, but the damn things keep running away.

Crystal: You shouldn't say damn. You look like a 12-year-old.

Angael: Have you been using greens?

Cloud: Greens…?

Angael: Do you have Chocobo Lure equipped!.?

Cloud: Chocobo Lure?

Angael: HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CHOCOBO STABLES YET?

Cloud: Chocobo Stables?

Aerith walks out of Cloud (hey, this is game style, ya know).

Crystal and Angael: …!

Crystal: I WANNA WALK OUT OF PEOPLE, TOO!

Aerith: What ARE you talking about?

Crystal: You just walked out of him! IwannaIwannaIwannaIwannaIwanna!

Aerith: I didn't walk out of him. Maybe your just dizzy, hon. I think you should sit down. Tee hee!

(Insert Aerith bashing. I've got too many to choose from.)

Angael: Okay, see over there?

She points to a small blue and white speck on the horizon.

Cloud: Yeah...

Angael: Go there and talk to ChocoBilly, or whatever.

Cloud: Oh...

Crystal: But first, you must converse with the chocobos... flirt with the chocobos!... DANCE! WITH! THE! CHOCOBOS! So you can get your first summon materia. Of course, if you have me join your party, you won't need it, seeing as how I can transform into any summon at will...

Aerith: The more the merrier!

Angael: Well, if she's going, I am too.

Aerith: ...but I don't like you. You're not a happy person.

Angael: I'm glad you're gonna die.

Aerith: …? Silly, I'm not going to die!

Angael: STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M MARLENE!

At this point, Barret walks out of Cloud.

Crystal: I WANNA WALK OUT OF PEOPLE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Angael: CRYSTAL, SHUT UP!

Crystal: I'm giving you an ultimatum. Either someone teaches me how to walk out of people, or I'm gonna throw a Texas-style tantrum!

Angael: I'll go get the olives and Tex-mex hot sauce.

Crystal: Poo.

She goes off and pouts.

Barret: How do ya know 'bout my Marlene?

Shameless self insertion: I've played the game so many times, I have Barret's cliched accent down pat. Not overdone, not underdone... Juuuuust right.

Angael: I... hey, Crystal? Didn't we read the script before we got here?

Crystal: Yup. That we did.

Barret, Cloud, and Aerith look at eachother in confusion.

Barret: Whaddya mean, scripts? Are you a pair of crazy foos?

Crystal starts to giggle wildly at the word "foos". Angael just shakes her head and points over towards Crystal.

Angael: She's the crazy one. Ah, don't worry about it. Let's just go to the chocobo farm.

Crystal: CHOCOBO!

Angael walks into Cloud, and Barret goes to join Tifa and Red XIII, wherever they are.

Crystal: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WALK INTO PEOPLE!

She starts to cry.

Crystal: I feel so alone...

Cloud, who's a short walk ahead of her, yells back.

Cloud: If you're coming with us, then hurry up!

Aerith goes to join Tifa, Barret, and Red XIII. The black chocobo looks around for a while, then follows far behind.

Yup! That's it for chapter 2! We'll be screwing up the game a little more in the next chapter, when we all get to DANCE! WITH! THE! CHOCOBOS! Hurray for insanity!

P.S. Don't you just hate the 3-person battle party system? I think I'm going to have to upgrade it to the four person, and make it so Cloud doesn't have to be in the party. It'll make for a better story, don't you think?


	3. The Road to Chocobo

Before I begin chapter three of this true story, I'd like to mention that I'm sorry I didn't try to come in before the Sephiroth flashback, before the 140 flights, even before Cloud dressed up as a girl. Some things should just be left alone. Besides, Angael would have had too much of a field day with the Sephiroth flashback, Crystal would never have made it up the 140 flights (exercising's just not her style; she would have been there right along with Barret, huffing and puffing), and the Cloud cross-dressing part was just too funny by itself.

Oh, and if you haven't guessed by now, Angael's the more violent, logical one of the two, and Crystal is the innocent, childish one of the two. Actually, Angael has a soft spot for, well, everything but bugs, and Crystal is really very smart, but prefers to save it so she can surprise people later on.

And on request of UyoniRaze X, there will be actual dancing with the chocobos. Many thanks to her for putting up the first review. I BOW DOWN UNTO YOU, OH GREAT ONE.

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul. I own the two idiots mentioned above.

The Dance of the Chocobo: The Road to Chocobo

So the director says, "I'll have a glass of tea, and my friend here will have..." But before she finishes her sentence, her friend clutches his head and falls to the ground, screaming about voices over and over again. And the bartender says, "What's wrong with him?" So the director says, "Absolutely nothing. He just needs a stiff drink." So the bartender hands the delusional man a bottle of vodka, and the voices in the delusional man's head scream...

Ya know what, you really wouldn't get this at all, so never mind.

Crystal: Which way are we heading again?

Angael: North.

Crystal: To the final battle!

Angael grabs Crystal by the head.

Crystal:twitch:

Angael: Not yet, stupid!

Crystal: Sorry... I'll behave.

Angael: Good.

Crystal: Are we there yet?

Angael: No.

There's a long pause.

Crystal: How 'bout now?

Angael: Nope. Not yet.

Crystal: Oh...how about now?

Angael: NO! NOT YET!

Cloud: SHUT HER UP! You're givin' me a headache!

After a few more hours of walking, they reach their destination, the Chocobo Stables.

Crystal: CHOCOBO!

Angael: Yes, dear. Chocobo.

Crystal runs up to a chocobo and starts to pet it. The chocobo starts to coo.

Crystal: Pretty bird...!

Cloud: Err... here. Let me try this. Ahem... "Wark wark?"

The chocobo looks at the cloud... (Oh, sorry...) at Cloud like he's crazy.

Angael: Here. Let Crystal handle that. She speaks fluent chocobo.

Crystal: Kweh kwehh wark kweh.

Chocobo: Wark wark?

Crystal: Wark waaark!

Chocobo: Wark.

The Chocobo begins to dance to the Chocobo Waltz. Crystal grabs Cloud's hand and begins to waltz with him. Angael simply looks on, slightly perturbed. Soon, the music stops and Cloud picks up the Chocobo/Mog summon materia.

Crystal: DON'T GO ANYWHERE!

Cloud: Huh? Why?

Crystal: Mr. Boco wants to dance more!

Angael: Mr. Boco?

Crystal: Oh, what, you thought Chocosociety wasn't so advanced? They don't recognize each other by scent! Do you see chocobo sniffing chocobutt?

(By the way, if anyone remembers, Crystal is 17. I forgot to mention that Angael is just a few months younger...) Anyways, Crystal hops over the fence and hugs Mr. Boco. After another conversation of "warks" and "kwehs", Crystal turns to Angael and Cloud.

Cloud: What did he say?

Crystal: Mr. Boco wants to slow dance with you.

Cloud: Meeeee?

Crystal: No, no... silly. Mr. Boco isn't gay! He wants to dance with Angael!

Angael: WHAT! WHY!

Crystal: He thinks you're sexy.

Cloud: X.X; O... kay...

Angael: Yeah, I know... WAIT A MINUTE!

The chocobo wraps its wings around Angael and pulls her over the fence. Once again, chocobo music starts to play, but this time it's soft and sensual.

Angael: Err... X.X; You have lovely eyes... Uh, Mr. Boco. :twitch:

Chocobo: Kweh...

The chocobo dips her, then spins her, then holds her against his feathery chest.

Chocobo: Kweh kweh kweh kweh... Wark kweh kweh... Cooooooooo...

Translation: You dance so very well, young sumptious one... I want to make you mine... Purrrrrrrrr...

Crystal: Oh dear...

Cloud: What?

Crystal: I think we should leave the two of them alone...

Cloud: Oh. Why? What did the chocobo say to Angael?

Crystal whispers something in Cloud's ear.

Cloud: Urg... let's go.

The two of them start to walk away.

Angael: Hey! Don't leave me alone here! I want my mommy!

She starts to cry. Mr. Boco, who apparently felt the time was right, starts to slide his wing up Angael's leg, as in under her skirt.

Angael: Alright, mister. I put up with you because I wanted to be nice, but now you're just being a sleaze. The only man who can touch me like that is Sephiroth.

Suddenly, a voice rings through her head. It has a certain bird like twang to it.

Voice in Angael's head: Once you know chocobo, that's what you'll yearn.

Angael: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The chocobo's wing moves further up her skirt onto her butt. Angael screeches and slaps it.

Angael: Alright, you! I'm leaving! And try that again and you'll be the next set of Choconuggets under the heating lamp at McBoco's!

The chocobo releases her and she runs over to join Cloud and Crystal. They walk into the house without knocking.

Angael: How rude... Dumb chocobo... That's the last time I humor a bird!

Cloud tries to go over to the beds to snoop around for some items, but for some strange reason, the chocobo guy keeps stopping him and asking if Cloud would like to spend the night. Cloud, thinking that this is because the man is hitting on him (which, if you think about it, is actually what it sounds like heh heh heh...), finally gives up and decides to talk to the man about chocobos.

Choco Bill: Thinking of crossing the marshes?

Cloud: Yeah.

Choco Bill: Hmm, then it'll probably be safer for you to get a chocobo. That way you can zip through the marshes with the chocobo. It's the only way to avoid being attacked by the Midgar Zolom.

Cloud: Midgar Zolom?

Crystal: It has this nifty attack you can learn if you have Enemy Skill materia! I'll take 'em on! I'm strong enough! I won't die! I'm IMMORTAL! BWA HA HA HA!

Choco Bill: I think your friend had one two many choconuggets.

Cloud: Ah, don't mind her. She's crazy, but she's a crazy genius. Ya know Professor Hojo?

Choco Bill: Genius?

Cloud: And absolute loon. Anyways, about this Midgar Zolom...?

Choco Bill: It's a serpent-like creature over 30 feet tall! It picks up on footsteps that enter the marshes... And then, BAM!

Crystal jumps and starts to cry. Cloud tries to comfort her.

Choco Bill: It attacks! To avoid that, buy a Chocobo at the Choco Bill and Choco Billy Chocobo Farm. To purchase a chocobo, please talk to my grandson. He's in the chocobo stables at the far right end of the farm.

Cloud: Okay, thanks.

He's still comforting Crystal as they make their way to the stable area. One of the chocobos in the gate area does something that appears to be... waving?... at Crystal, who's wiping her tear stained face. When she sees this, she waves back.

Crystal: KWEH!

Chocobo: WARK!

Crystal starts to giggle at some unknown joke, while Cloud just shakes his head in defeat and Angael rolls her eyes. When they reach the stable, Angael stops the other two.

Angael: Just let me handle this. HEY YOU! CHOCO BILLY!

At this time, Crystal has snuck out of the stables to go and speak with her chocobo friends.

Choco Billy: Do you want a Chocobo?

Angael: We've already got one.

Cloud whispers over to Angael.

Cloud: What the hell are you doing?

Angael: Just watch. He'll lower his prices.

Cloud: Oh...

Angael: Well, I suppose I could have another for my friend here...

Cloud: Yeah! Give me one!

Choco Billy: You old folks are out of luck!

Angael: OLD FOLKS?

Choco Billy: We're all out of chocobos. I'm taking care of those ones out there for someone else. You know, if you really want a chocobo, you should go out and catch one. Want to know how to catch a chocobo?

A little blue screen appears on top of Choco Billy's face. Angael picks the top option. Cloud suddenly looses control of his body and says:

Cloud: Where are they?

Choco Billy: You see those claw prints out there? Wild Chocobo's will appear in those areas. But, if you don't have "Chocobo Lure", they won't come out. They're very cautious animals by nature.

Crystal runs in holding up a shiny purple orb.

Crystal: Mr. Boco gave me a "Chocobo Lure" and some greens from his feeding bucket! Let's go!

Angael: Well, never mind then!

Choco Billy: Wait! We need the money! We're starving!

Angael: Oh, you so are not. And if you were desperate, you'd eat the chocobos!

Once again, Crystal starts to cry.

Crystal: Not poor Mr. Boco! Anything but that! You HEATHENS!

So, the three of them exit to the fields, catch a chocobo, which Crystal proudly names Boco the Second, and set of on their two chocobos, one black one, and one yellow one. They make their way across the marshes, and, unfortunately for the black chocobo, they run into the Midgar Zolom.

Angael: It looks like a giant snake!

Crystal: Yup! That's what Choco Bill said!

Cloud: Fight!

Cloud's KOed almost instantly, while Angael runs away. When the Midgar Zolom uses his special move, Crystal captures it with her Enemy Skill materia.

Crystal: Hey, Cloud! I told you I'd learn it!

Cloud: ... X.X;

Crystal: Cloud, why is there red stuff oozing out of your head?

After escaping from the battle, and an extensive amount of healing on Cloud's part, the group catches up with the others, Red XIII joins the group with Cloud, Angael, and Crystal, and the six of them make their ways to the Mythril Mines.

A blue text box appears across the planet. It says: Bleep, blip. Upgrading party battle system. Now allotting slots to four members.

And so did the entire planet cheer, except for Sephiroth, because this meant that he'd have yet another person whacking on him in the final battle.

Okay, I'm trying really hard here. It'll get better the further on it gets. If Angael ever gets split up from Crystal, there will be two seperate ordeals to follow, so there's twice the fun! I'll see what I can do with that later. Sorry for any delays getting this up. There weren't any. Right now, I've just finished chapter 20… but I decided to go back and re-vamp what I'd done before… fix it up. Some of my smilies and all the asterisks aren't showing up… so I have to re-do them all. But I went back to play FFVII, and when I got to the Chocobo Stables, I ACTUALLY looked around on the ground for a chocobo lure material. Stupid me forgot that that was just a joke. And it was MY joke, too. Sometimes my aneurysms act up… XP


	4. Zolom's Revenge and Turkish Delight

Once again, Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Zolom's Revenge and Turkish Delight

Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted, the voices in the dilusional mans head scream, "Don't drink it! It's poison!" So the dilusional man, who, by the way, has the mental capacity of a brick, kinda sits there and drools over the "poison", which he swiftly downs. After a few moments, he falls to the floor and...

Hey, hold on. My dad's calling me. I'll be right back.

Like I said in the last chapter, it was unfortunate for the poor little black chocobo (which Crystal so lovingly named Vinnie, after her shijun Vincent) that they'd run into the Midgar Zolom, because, as you may know, the freakin' thing just keeps coming back!#$)#$&! As of late, Angael has been trying to explain how she and Crystal had arrived in Gaia... Gaia? Was that right? What IS the name of their planet?

Angael: You know, Red, it's really very complicated.

Red XIII has the portal remote in his paws (which is, at the moment, in a frizzled crisp, one of the reasons Angael and Crystal haven't returned home yet).

Red XIII: You probably shouldn't play with forces you know nothing about.

Angael: Well, Crystal knows all about it. She's the one who made it.

Red XIII looks over to Crystal, who is riding the black chocobo with Cloud, muttering random things about how Cloud smells pretty.

Red XIII: Are you serious?

Angael: Yup.

Red XIII: Remind me not to touch it. I'm very afraid.

Angael: I thought the Son of Seto feared nothing?

Red XIII: SETO? glare How do you know of that wastrel?

Angael: Uh... Crystal? Red's giving me "the look" again...

Crystal: You said the "S" word, didn't you?

Angael: Maybe.

Crystal: Don't mention it until after his "special quest", okay?

Angael: K. Hey, what's a wastrel?

Crystal: OH! He said wastrel? I LOVE it when he says that!

Angael: ¬.¬ ...

Midgar Zolom: RRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!

The Midgar Zolom knocks Cloud and Crystal off the chocobo, along with all the boxes, then eats the bird in one gulp.

Crystal: VINNIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO::sobsobsob:

Angael: Oh, don't worry. You'll get to see the real Vincent soon.

Crystal: Yeah, as in not for another 30 hours of game play!

Barret: …Game play? You two are a buncha foos.

Angael: True... wait a minute…

Crystal takes one of her boxes and opens it up. The rotting, putrid stench of rotten eggs invades the other's nostrils as Crystal takes one after another from the box and hurls them at the unsuspecting Zolom. The Midgar Zolom, completely covered in the stinky, smelly goo, retreats, leaving behind a multiplicity of gil and other assorted items. When Cloud goes to pick them up, Crystal smacks his hand.

Crystal: That's my gil. If I have the finishing blow, I get the stash.

Cloud: But we need the money for weapons and armor and materia and inns and food and accessories and items and...

Crystal: Let's put it this way: Either I get the cash for weapon upgrades for myself, or you have to put up with the stench of rotten eggs for the rest of your stupid little journey!

Cloud: Woah... moody... You win.

Angael: That's right. We need better weapons.

Cloud: What are YOU using right now?

Angael: Plates.

Cloud and Red XIII: X.X;

Crystal: Actually, I'm able to use guns, hairpins, and archery stuff... But where we come from, that's super expensive.

Angael: I prefer using swords.

Crystal whispers over to Red XIII.

Crystal: Just watch out. She has little to no control over where she swings a blade.

Cloud: Well, I suppose I could let Angael have one of my swords for now...

A little blue text box appears that says: Angael recieved "Blunt Edge"!

Red XIII: I'm willing to give up one of my hairpins, if it will keep Crystal from using decomposing foods.

Another little blue text box appears that says: Crystal recieved "Braided Hair Extentions"!

Angael and Crystal: Whoopie!

After a few more miles across the Marshes, of which they didn't even see a trace of that damn Zolom, they come across the entrance to the Mythril Mines. Everyone runs forward when they see their friend the Zolom, who is still very smelly, impaled on a stake. At the bottom of it is a small note written in the Zolom's own blood. It says: Dear ShinRa imbeciles, That's right. I killed it. Oh, and to whomever made the monster smell so horrid: I like your style. Sincerely, The Great Sephiroth... ;D (That's right, ladies and gents. Sephy-sama signed with a little face.)

Cloud: Did Sephiroth... do this...?

Angael: That's what it says.

Tifa: Amazing...

Angael: No it's not! It's nasty! But he must be so strong... :swoon:

Everyone else except Crystal, who's making one of those cute Chichiri faces while examining the carcass, sweatdrops.

Aerith: Our enemy is someone that could do this...?

After finding their way through a small maze of mine shafts, they see a pair of classy looking people in lovely blue suits.

Rude: Just a second!

Crystal: Where did you get your suits? Armani?

Rude: No, actually... ShinRa hires personal tailors.

Crystal: I wanna be in a quasi-evil syndicate, too!

Rude tosses her a little blue tube. Rolled up inside is an application form for the Turks.

Crystal: Crystal happy!

Tifa: Who are you?

Rude: Do you know who I am?

Tifa starts to get a little annoyed.

Tifa: If I knew who you were, I wouldn't have asked!

Cloud: From the Turks, right?

Rude: Well if you know, this won't take long. It's difficult to explain what the Turks do...

Crystal: No it's not. You do all of the President's dirty work.

Cloud: Shhh! Kidnapping, right?

Rude: To put it negatively... you could say that. ...But, that's not all there is to it, anymore. ...

There's a long pause where Rude kind of looks around, then down at his feet.

Rude: ...

Elena: Sir! It's all right, Rude! I know you don't like speeches, so don't force it!

Rude: ...Then Elena, explain.

Elena: I'm the newest member of the Turks, Elena. Thanks to what you did to Reno...

Crystal: RENO!

Elena: Yes, Reno.

Crystal: I could just cuddle that cute little lush...

Everyone else: O.O;

Elena: O... kay... sweat I'll tell him you said that.

Crystal: Ah, don't bother. I'm still hooked up on "The Bullet".

Elena::gasp: You knew "The Bullet"?

Crystal: Vincent, right? Sure, know all about him!

Elena and Crystal go off nearby and sit down to discuss Vincent over some tea.

Elena: I heard he went AWOL. For the Turks now, we can only hope to someday be like him.

Crystal: Well, watch out. Try not to mess with Hojo, and you should be fine.

Rude: ...ELENA!

Elena: Oh, sorry. Um, here. This is my PHS number. We'll exchange some more gossip later, ok?

A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal recieved "Elena's Personal Gossip Line Number"!

Elena: Anyways, thanks to what you did to Reno, we're short of people. ...Although, because of that, I got promoted to the Turks... In any case, our job is to find out where Sephiroth is headed. And to try to stop you every step of the way. Sorry, Miss Crystal.

Crystal holds up her hand to stop her.

Crystal: Don't worry about it. Just doin' your job.

Elena's brow furrows.

Elena: Wait a minute, it's the other way around. You're the ones that are getting in our way.

Tseng appears from the entrance. Elena suddenly gets all glossy-eyed and wipes a bit of saliva away from her mouth.

Tseng: ...Elena. You talk too much.

Elena: Mr. Tseng? So sorry, all my years as a lowly secretary...

Tseng: No need to tell them about our orders.

Elena: Sorry... Tseng.

Tseng: I thought I gave you other orders. Now go. Don't forget to file your report.

Elena: Oh! Right!

She clicks her heels. Meanwhile, during this embarrassing conversation, Cloud and the others are sitting around on their behinds, yawning.

Elena: Very well, Rude and I will go after Sephiroth, who's heading for Junon Harbor!

Cloud's eyes brighten up.

Cloud: Sephiroth!

Tseng: ...Elena. You don't seem to understand.

Elena: Oh! I'm, I'm sorry...

Tseng: ...Go. Don't let Sephiroth get away.

Rude and Elena: Yessir!

After some fairly klutzy climbing, because rock climbing isn't easy when you're wearing fancy dress shoes, Rude turns back to Cloud.

Rude: ...Reno said he wanted to see you after the injuries you gave him healed. He wants to show his affection for you all... with a new weapon.

Crystal::drool: Hee hee...

Rude: ...Not like that! I think you need to keep your little friend here on a leash.

Tseng steps forward as Rude runs out the exit. He looks over at Aerith.

Tseng: Well, then... Aerith. Long time no see. Looks like you got away from ShinRa for a while, now that Sephiroth reappeared.

Angael: WAIT one second! Just as I thought! No matter how hard we try to screw up the script, it still follows the written path!

Tseng looks over at Cloud.

Tseng: Script?

Cloud: Don't ask.

Angael runs off to grab one of Crystal's boxes.

Angael: Maybe if I did...THIS!

She throws the lid open and starts to pelt Tseng with rotten eggs.

Tseng: BLAAAARRRFFFRRGHRFGH!

Aerith: Oh, come on, Angael. Let the man speak! Tee hee!

Angael: Oh, alright.

She drops her rotten eggs.

Aerith: Anyways, so what are you saying? That I should be grateful to Sephiroth?

Tseng: Yuck... uh, no... Well, I won't be seeing too much of you... man, this smells... so take care... Oh God, I can't breathe...!

Aerith: ...strange, hearing that from you.

Tseng: Well then, stay out of ShinRa's way.

He glares at Angael.

Tseng: Especially YOU!

Angael: Aww, you're no fun!

Crystal sneaks up behind Aerith and squeezes a small spot on the back of her neck.

Cloud: W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Crystal: Chinese Truth Pressure Point!

Aerith: Wait, Tseng!

Tseng: What?

Aerith: I know you've always wanted sleep with me!

Tseng: W-what...are... you, uh... talking about?

Aerith: I've always wanted to sleep with you, too! It's something about a tall, dark, handsome man... :sigh:

Tseng: Aerith, you should get some sleep.

Tseng leaves, and Aerith is left on her knees crying about how she's always wanted to feel his soft, warm, savory lips upon her unworthy ones. Suddenly, she stops crying and looks around.

Aerith: What just happened?

Cloud: Come on, Aerith. Let's go. We've got quite a walk to Junon.

And so, they leave, the rest of the rotten eggs strapped to Red XIII's back, since they couldn't take the chocobo through the mines.

WOOHOOH! I'm so very proud of this chapter! Please R&R! Chapter five will be coming soon, but thanks to you probably won't see it until about a day after I post it. Oh poo! A special thank you to Little Chiba, who provided an excellent script for me to work with. By the way, this is not an MSTing.


	5. A Boy in Girl's Clothing!?

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: A Boy in Girl's Clothing?

So, the dilusional man falls to the floor and starts to rant about how the bartender is wearing inadequate support. So the bartender, who takes this to such offence, slaps the delusional man, thus causing millions of evil little clones with long, silver hair and number tattoos to fall out of his ear. The evil little clones, being evil, decide to...

Oh, crud. I forgot the rest. Just give me a minute, it'll come back to me...

After a long time of walking, much mindless chattering from Crystal, and some delusional blather about how SOLDIER did things from Cloud, Red XIII and Angael decide that it's about time they got to sleep (after all, it's kinda hard to see where you're going when it's dark outside...). Cloud, being the idiotic leader he is, decides that it would be smart to camp in the "safety" of a nearby forest. At the moment, Cloud is trying to set up a make-shift tent by tossing a blanket over a branch and roping it down tight to some roots.

Cloud: Okay, where's the blanket?

Angael: We don't have one.

Crystal pulls one out from behind her back.

Cloud: Thank you. How about rope?

Red XIII: No rope, either.

Crystal hands him some rope.

Cloud: Thanks again. Hey, there're no roots popping up! How am I supposed to tie it down?

Everyone looks towards Crystal.

Crystal: What? Who do I look like? Houdini?

Someone tell me how to properly spell that. (Wait… I DID spell it right! God, I can't spell "entrance" but I can spell "Houdini". X.X;)

Crystal::sigh: Here.

She hands Cloud six plastic posts to put into the ground.

Angael::whisper: Where are you getting all this stuff from?

Crystal::whisper: "Infispace 3000".

"Infispace 3000" is Trade Mark under authoress. Patent pending. Not to be fully introduced until Ch. 6.

Angael clutches her head and falls to the ground.

Angael: N-nooooo! The voices!

Cloud::thinking: Maybe what I have is contageous? Perhaps even... normal?

Angael: I hear... COPYRIGHTS!

Screen music: Dun dun DUNNNNNN!

Cloud::thinking: Maybe not...

Suddenly, a tomboyish ninja jumps out of the woods into the clearing. Her hair is cut short... poorly.

Screen music: Dun dun DUNNNNNN!

Tomboyish ninja: Hey!

Sorry.

The tomboyish ninja turns to Cloud.

Tomboyish ninja: Fight me!

Cloud: Noooo! I'm scared!

Cloud screams like a little girl and starts to run around, arms flailing.

Tomboyish ninja: ¬.¬; Y-yeah...

After a cheesy battle with the girl, they find themselves in a barren field surrounded by boulders, and there's a save point, AND it's the daytime.

Angael::growl: Damn you, Squaresoft programmers! Don't ruin our time flow!

TN: Man... I can't believe I lost...

Angael: whisper I can...

Crystal: whisper Shush! She'll run off!

TN: You spikey-headed jerk! One more time, let's go one more time!

The tomboyish ninja, who has apparently figured out Cloud before she's even met him, apparently knows that his life consists of three basic things: showing off, acting snotty, and flipping out.

Cloud: Heh heh heh...NO!

The tomboyish ninja starts to punch the air. Not quite noticing what she was doing, and still a bit off balance from the fight, she punches Tifa... in the boob. A large balloon full of pudding falls out. Tifa stuffs it back in before anyone can see.

Tifa: Grrr...

Uh oh. Permanent PMS.

TN: Thinkin' of running away? Stay and fight! FIGHT, I said!

Tifa: I'll fight you, you little...

Crystal throws Tifa out of the scene.

TN: C'mon... What's the matter? You're pretty scared of me, huh?

Cloud: ...petrified.

He rolls his eyes, then looks at Angael in a "get a load of her" way.

TN: Hmm, just as I thought. What do you expect with my skills? Good luck to you too. If you feel up to it, we can go another round. Later!

She turns to leave, then turns back.

TN: I'm really gonna leave! REALLY!

Cloud: Wait a second!

Angael: Hey, Crystal, give me your bag.

Crystal: Why?

Angael: I wanna see if she'll join us for money, so we can just skip the rest.

Crystal: You mean like the samurai for hire in Final Fantasy X? Yojimbo?

Angael: Yeah! That's it!

Crystal: No way. You had to keep paying Yoji-sama every time you wanted him to get his hit on.

Angael: "Get his hit on"?

Crystal: Dah::singing: Bad, bad boys, come with me. Come with me... Don't be negative... Just be positive!

She dances off somewhere.

Angael::sigh: ¬.¬;

TN: What is it, you still have somethin' for me? ...Hmmm. So is that it? I know you want my help because I'm so good! You want me to go with you?

Cloud: Psychic pseudo? Don't quit your day job lady.

TN: Huh?

Cloud: That's right. Come with us.

TN: Heh heh... thought so. You put me in a spot. Hmm, what should I do? But if you want me that bad, I can't refuse... All right! I'll go with you!

Cloud: Do you accept dates so eagerly? Do you ever take time to think about your decisions? Was this meeting chance? Fate? Premeditation? ...Let's hurry on.

Cloud and the others started to walk off.

TN: Huh? Hey... HEY!

She begins to run after them.

TN: Wait! I haven't even told you my name...

When the blue box appears to name Yuffie, Crystal runs up and starts to press letters: T... O... A... S... T. Her finger wavered above the confirm button when Angael ran back and slapped her.

Angael: No way in hell. Change it back!

Crystal: Aww... you're no fun.

Yuffie: I'm Yuffie! Good to meetcha!

Crystal: What happened to your tough girl act?

Yuffie: What are you talking about?

She turns away and starts to laugh to herself.

Yuffie: Heh heh... just as I planned. Now all I have to do is... a little this... and a little that... nyuk, nyuk, nyuk...

Angael: We heard that.

Crystal: Double bubble, toil and trouble! Nyee hee hee hee!

Yuffie: Uhhh... gulp...

Angael: Don't worry. We won't say anything. We have ulterior motives, too. We're all in the same boat.

Yuffie: Can we all be in the same something else? I get motion sickness...

Angael and Crystal run off after the others.

Yuffie: Hey, wait up! Wait for me! Here, I'll give you back the money I stole from you! ...or, uh, what's left of it.

Darkness clouds the area as the time flow returned to normal, and the night took place of the day. Little does Yuffie know, she didn't initially steal any money from the group. Damn script holes...

Nyah! Script holes are fun! The sooner we find the Turks, the sooner the rating gets more and more exclusive. Sorry, kiddies. We're on a slow but sure track towards R! BWA HA HA HA!


	6. B.F.I.F.I., the T-PaP, and Junon Dirty J...

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Break From Insanity for Insanity, the Temporary Port-a-Person, and Junon Dirty Jokes

Another little bitty on the two characters, Crystal and Angael. If you need a song to match with their personalities, here you go: Crystal: Midi Maxi and Efti "Bad Bad Boys" Angael: Enrique Iglesias "Don't Turn Off the Lights". You should download these songs. They're great. Here's a thought. Cloud sounds like Len when he sings "Steal My Sunshine" Bwa ha ha ha!

The evil little clones, being evil, decide to take over the world, or at least this local bar, city, county... whatever. So these little clones, who seem to be practicing their multiplication tables, as there are now hundreds of them, form little army ranks. There they stand, poised and alert, singing their marching song (One Winged Angel), when suddenly...

Um... can you wait? I gotta go pee...

Crystal looks directly at the screen, drawing in a sharp breath, then holds a microphone up to her mouth and screams into it.

Crystal::mongo loud: IS THIS THING ON!

The screen flickers and snows up momentarily. After a few seconds of nothingness, where a slight banging sound can be heard, it focuses back on to Crystal, swaying violently until it comes to a slow stop.

Crystal: Damn thing better be working now... Anyways, this is the ninth installment of my weekly documentary on me, the illusive creature known more simply as "the crazy brunette girl." This is the story of my life. This week's episode: count down to sexy men! So far, our sexy men sightings are up to only two this week. Cloud, of course, is the first. That's right, fans! As of now, this week, the only other sexy man spotted is Tseng, who, just yesterday, met with an unfortunate end á la rotten egg.

Cloud runs up and peers over her shoulder.

Cloud: Which wasn't really an end. He's alive and well.

Crystal: That is, ladies and gents, alive. Not entirely well. He smells. Bad.

Cloud: VERY bad.

Crystal: That's right.

Cloud: Hello, whoever's watching this. I COME IN PEACE!

Crystal: Oh yeah! For all my friends who said I couldn't do it, here's the proof! Cloud Strife, proof that I made it to another dimension safely! I can't say the same for Angael, though...

The camera swivels, past a momentary shot of Junon, to Angael, who's chasing around a random Sephiroth clone on his way to Nevilheim, who just happened to be in the vicinity.

Angael: Come back here, Number 12! Take me to Sephy-sama!

Clone: Re...union...

Angael: H-hey!

The camera turns back to Crystal and Cloud.

Crystal: Earlier yesterday, Vinnie, my chocobo, was eaten by a rather pissy little Zolom. But my boxes were spared. So I still have my "special invention." Heh heh heh...

She hold up an odd looking, yet supremely light weighted, blue bag. On it is scrawled (rather sloppily) "Infispace 3000".

Crystal: This bag holds infinite items in infinite space that can be pulled out at will, hereby overriding the 200 materia limit. Plus, it weighs next to nothing!

Suddenly, a behemoth runs across the field and crushes the camera. Cloud and Crystal look at each other.

Crystal: That's okay. I keep spores in my bag.

And if you think I just meant "spares", than you don't know me very well, do you?

Cloud: With all that space, why didn't you just bring proper weapons, etc.?

Crystal: …::hack cough:

Cloud: What?

Crystal: Plot holes... revealed... Can't breathe...! Must... talk like... this...! ...A-ack...!

Cloud: Aah! I'm sorry! Breathe!

Crystal: Blargh...::drool:

Crystal turns blue and falls over. Cloud stands over her body.

Cloud: Oh my God, I think I killed her...

Crystal: Eww... I fell into that behemoth's poo... :sobsobsob: MY LIFE SUCKS!

Cloud: Ah ha ha ha!

He's rolling on the floor laughing out loud (that was all the people who don't know what rotflol means). Meanwhile, over with Angael, the Sephiroth clone has stopped to take a break. Hey, even evil little clones have to rest, ya know.

Clone: Sephiroth...

Angael: Yes! Now we're getting somewhere!

Suddenly, the clone's face morphs into Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth, wherever he is, is communicating with Angael through his clone.

Sephiroth: Who are you to disturb my clone's journey?

Angael: Sephy!

Angael plants her face against the clone's morphed mouth.

Sephiroth: …!

Angael backs off after a moment.

Sephiroth: W-what...

Angael::smile: A kiss.

Angael hands him a thimble. Woo, Peter Pan style romanceness in the fieldy!

Sephiroth: W-WOMAN!

Angael: Yes, love?

Sephiroth: I wish not to see your face again. You shall be the first assimilated into my being once I find the Promised Land.

Angael: Does that mean we're going to have sex?

Sephiroth: ...somebody shoot me. Go join my fan club or something. Use your fangirly energy for something other than pursuing me.

Angael::fuming: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!

She glares daggers at Sephiroth/Number 12.

Sephiroth: Urg... Make it to Nevilheim, and we shall make love... err... upon the desk in the basement of the ShinRa mansion. But only if you bring me... 50 tissues, 2 1/32 inch soldiers, a copy of Dio's combat diary, 30 false Masamune blades, and...

Notice that the only item you can get before you see Sephiroth in Nevilheim is the 1/32 inch soldiers. Yes, Sephiroth already knows this.

Angael: And...?

Sephiroth: A Philly cheese steak.

Angael: Ok.

Sephiroth: With EXTRA cheese. Then we'll see about sleeping together.

Angael: WHOOPIE!

She grabs the clone and hugs it close just as it's returning to normal.

Angael: Aww... darn.

Elsewhere, Yuffie is doodling in the dirt.

Yuffie: I'm so bored. CAN WE GO TO JUNON NOW?

So, while Angael is furiously trying to shove the clone into the Infispace bag, and Crystal is running around screaming about behemoth poo, and Cloud is rolling around on the ground, near to peeing his pants, Yuffie is standing around, taking in the scene before her, taping her foot impatiently.

Yuffie: Maybe coming with these guys wasn't such a great idea...

A few hours later, in Junon...

Cloud: What happened to this town? It's so run-down...

Crystal: According to my calculations, the pollution from the above military base, including pollutants from exhaust, oil, and abnormal atmospheric conditions due to increased temperature from the overheating of various machinery, has caused accelerated discomposure and decomposition of the surrounding areas. For other such deterioration, please see Midgar.

Everyone else: ...O.O;

Yuffie: Where the heck did you get so smart?

Aerith: Perhaps she's an Ancient, too, and the planet is telling her these things! Tee hee!

Tifa: Or MAYBE she just looked around and started using fancy words.

Crystal: Tifa, you shouldn't be so cross. Cloud doesn't like cross women.

Tifa: Oh yeah? How would you know?

Crystal: I've asked him. You two should have a good heart to heart. He's really a sensitive guy.

Cloud::nod:

Tifa::tear: All this time I thought that Cloud liked strong women...

Random person in town: Wow, now this is rare. We almost never have anyone other than the ShinRa people visit this town.

Angael: Well, technically, we all are from ShinRa. Or at least closely related. See, Barret helped ShinRa set up a reactor in his home town, Yuffie lives in an occupied area, where her father is the chief, Red XIII is an ex-experiment, Aerith is highly wanted by ShinRa for Hojo-style breeding, Tifa accompanied Sephiroth on a mission when she was younger...

Tifa's phone rings.

Tifa: Tifa's Professional Adult's Only Escort Service. Thank you for pressing my buttons! Tifa speaking. How may I direct your call?

Crystal::snark: Woo... dirty!

Angael: Cloud here is an ex-SOLDIER, Crystal is on a manhunt for an AWOL Turks and is a candidate for them, and I'm madly in love with SOLDIER First Class General Sephiroth.

Random person: Ever since... ShinRa built that city up above during the war, ...ugh, ugh.

He starts hip thrusting for some reason. The random man happens to be Corneo's much thinner cousin.

Random person: There's been no fish in the water! It got so polluted... phew...

Barret::whispering: Wuz he talking about the ocean or his sperm?

Soldier by the elevator::yelling: This city saved your ass, so you better watch yourself, old man!

Cloud: What kind of place is this?

Another random person: Who are you people? Where did you come from?

Cloud: Did you see a man with a black cape?

Angael: Technically, charcoal grey leather trench coat with large bone shoulder guards, a pair of charcoal grey leather trousers, and silver trimmed charcoal grey knee high boots.

Random person: Hmm... I've never seen that feller before.

Soldier by the elevator: HEY! This is ShinRa, Inc.'s elevator. Don't be snooping around here!

Cloud begins to walk into the weapons store.

Crystal: No. It's just not worth it at this point. Come on. Let's eat.

They headed over to a gate, leaned against it, and Crystal handed out some food from her Infispace bag.

:snark: I wrote chapter six before I finished chapter five. Haa haa... Many thanks, once again, to UyoniRaze X, who so kindly asked for me to use the useless items, which makes them useful, which means there are no useless items, which means that I can't give her thanks because there were no useless items in the first place::huff huff: Thank you, UyoniRaze X. Other readers should be more like you.


	7. Cid would throw a fit if he saw this...

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul. Watch out. This is a LONG chapter! The dream sequences are dedicated to my own little world, who has put up with such un-Miko like visits as expressed later.

The Dance of the Chocobos: "Cid would throw a fit if he saw this..."

So there they stood, poised and alert, singing their marching song (One Winged Angel), when suddenly, who burst through the door but Sephiroth himself, wearing a rather evil looking smile, and holding a small globe, which was actually a basketball painted to look like the world. So, while the bartender is looking around in confusion and spilling drinks, the delusional man is trying to pick up his teeth, and the director is talking to her agent over her PHS, Sephiroth is barking orders to his tiny clones. The director, who's getting pretty fed up with all the distractions by now, turns to Sephiroth and says...

Hmm... what DID she say?

Cloud wipes a spot of jelly of the front of his shirt.

Cloud: Mmmm... peanut butter and jelly...

As of late, Barret and Red XIII have gone off to find a way into the city. Cloud, deciding it was time for a walk, started to head for the beach.

Angael: Wait!

Cloud: Huh?

Angael: Eat this.

She handed him a little slice of something. It was a pale yellow, and smelled funny.

Cloud: Noooo... I don't wanna!

Angael: You snotty brat, it's for your own good! Do you want an annoying little girl trying to follow you around forever later? HUH?

Cloud: Depends. Is she cute?

Angael: Sure. Six-year-old cute.

Cloud grabs the slice away from her.

Cloud: Bottoms up!

He eats it in one bite.

Cloud: Yyyuuuck! What the heck was that?

Angael: A large slice of garlic.

Cloud and the girls all start heading towards the beach. A little girl is standing near the water, just as Angael predicted.

Cloud::whispering: You're beginning to creep me out...

Angael: Shush!

The girl is jumping around, yelling to a dolphin.

Priscilla: He-y! Mr. Dolphin! My name is... Pri-scil-la! Now you say it.

Yuffie: Hey, girl! Dolphins can't talk!

Priscilla turns slowly, her face glowing red; her eyes ablaze with fury.

Priscilla: You will face the wrath of hell! I, Priscilla, representative of the underworld, will make it so!

Suddenly, she spots Cloud. Her face softens.

Priscilla: Who are you guys? Are you members of the ShinRa, Inc.?

Aerith starts to freak out. She's holding up her hands in defense, as if trying to hide a great secret.

Aerith: No you're wrong! We have nothing to do with the ShinRa! DON'T SHOOT!

Cloud: You've said that before, haven't you?

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud: Anyways... that's how it is.

Priscilla: I don't believe you! Get out of here!

Crystal: After the show Aerith just put on, I wouldn't believe us either.

Cloud: Great... THANKS A LOT, AERIS!

Aerith: It's AERITH! You big... :sniff: MEANIE::sniff tear:

Suddenly, the ground starts to shake. Crystal starts to sniff at the air, then plugs her nose and falls to the ground, crying.

Tifa: Look at that!

As a large monster emerges from the waves, Priscilla runs towards the dolphin, trying in vain to shoo it away.

Priscilla: Be careful Mr. Dolphin!

Suddenly, to everyone's relief, she's knocked unconscious by the monster. Unfortunately, she was knocked into the water, and as no one is unkind enough to wish the child death, they start to worry. Personally, I would have let her die. I would have been able to get into the city. Just show that elevator soldier a bit of Crystal's bust... :smack: OUCH!

Cloud: Hey! Hold on, we're coming!

Cloud pulls out his sword. The Bottomswell, glaring menacingly at him, turns away momentarily to take a large snap at Aerith, who squeals in fright, but counter attacks with a rather harsh smack square between it's eyes, which knocks it out of it's wits momentarily.

Crystal: It smells like... ROTTING TUNA! THE STENCH IS INVADING MY NOSTRILS! HELP MEEEEE::heave: I... I think I'm gonna... :hurk:

Bottomswell: Hey... Thath's not very nith... You should be more careful with peoplth feelingth!

Everyone: O.O;

Bottomswell: I didn't get a college degree in thcaring people to be called thmelly! Thpooky? Yeth! Thmelly? No! I demand an apology!

Everyone: O.O;

Bottomswell: What'th the matter? Never theen a talking Bottomthwell before?

Everyone: O.O;

Bottomswell: Well, you thould take care to learn thome mannerth and learn a little bit about the world around uth! Many monthters have the ability to thpeak! Now, if you would, I have a tennith lethon. Good day, thirth::mumbling: I never! I wath hoping for a good fight, maybe a thmall bit of exerthithe... But noooooo... Thitizenth today are thooooo rude... Like they don't know how to thcream and run away or pull out a weapon and put up a good defenthe...

Aww... poor Bottomthwell... err... Bottomswell. He needth, uh... needs... heh... a hug. OH! Ah... Anyways... /\./\; The Bottomswell turns tail and speeds off. Meanwhile, Priscilla's body has washed up upon the shore. Cloud, after regaining some composure after his... I can't say that! It isn't true!

Crystal: Just read the script.

Okay... after his... difficult... near fatal battle with the... frightening Bottomswell... ¬.¬;

Bottomswell: Thee! I told you I wath frightening!

Oh, shut up!

Bottomswell: Tho rude!

ANYWAYS! Cloud runs over to Pricilla to check and make sure she's alive.

Cloud: This is bad... You don't think she's dead, do you?

Angael: I hope not. If she dies, who will start the "Freaky Blond Spiky Jerk" fan club?

Cloud: Who will start the what?

Angael face faults. Meanwhile, the others are looking around, distressed, except for Crystal, who's getting out her air freshener and spraying it everywhere.

Random person: Priscilla!

Everyone turns to see one of the random men from the village run onto the beach and kneel down by Priscilla's side. He moves his hand in front of her mouth.

Random person: Nope... she's not breathing... Hey, that's it!

He turns and glares at Cloud.

Random person: Young man, CPR, now!

Cloud: Mouth to mouth?

Random person: HOW THE HELL ELSE!

Aerith: Cloud, hurry!

Cloud: But... she's just a girl...

Angael: Which means she's too young to die! Just like a French kiss, but instead of tongue, it's air!

Tifa: Cloud, what are you going to do?

Random person: What? You don't know how? Come over here, I'll show you.

Cloud::sweat: If your going to show me by doing it to me, then I don't wanna!

Tifa: She's turning purple!

Cloud: Guess I gotta do it...

Random person: Just take a deep breath, hold it in. Then breathe into her. Hurry up and do it!

Corneo's cousin yells from somewhere close, hip thrusting. He's doing a bad impression of "The Waterboy".

Corneo's cousin: You can do it!

Cloud: I shall be...

He puffs up his chest dramatically.

Cloud: The Hero of Summer!

Crystal: What? The Zero of Bummer!

Cloud: No, the HERO of SUMMER!

Many thanks to Bakuretsu Hunters comic books for that joke. My humblest respects to Akahori and Omishi. ANYWAYS... Cloud gives Priscilla mouth to mouth resuscitation, not to be confused with ear to ear resuscitation, heel to heel resuscitation, or the ever popular rear end to rear end resuscitation. ...what the heck is Crystal doing?

Crystal: Uhhh... Viiiiiiinceeeeent... :drool:

¬.¬;

Everyone else conscious: ¬.¬;

Priscilla: Uh... ugh...

Priscilla goes pale.

Priscilla: What's that awful taste in my mouth? And that wretched stench?

Angael: Cloud has garlic breath.

Cloud stands up.

Cloud: Hey hey! Priscilla, are you alright?

Crystal: That would make a cool song!

Everyone ignores her. Meanwhile, the man picks up Priscilla and carries her off. Cloud follows him and stands at the base of the stairs of the house he took her to.

Random person: Sorry, Cloud. Priscilla needs to rest for a while.

Crystal: Notice: We never told that man Cloud's name, and does no one else find the name "Cloud" worth a good snigger? DAMN PROGRAMMERS!

Cloud, feeling a little guilty, walks around town aimlessly for a while, until he reaches the house near the entrance of the town, where, what looks to be an old woman, stands in the doorway.

Old woman: Hey, come in for a while.

Cloud: Sorry, lady. I think I'm a bit too young for you.

Old woman: GET 'YER ASS IN HERE BEFORE I WHALLOP IT WITH MAH CANE!

Cloud, a bit taken aback at her harsh terms, follows her inside meekly. The others follow.

Old woman: I heard what happened. You've done so much for Priscilla. You all must be tired. If you want some rest, stay here.

Angael peers in.

Angael::sarcastic: Oh, yes. What a long, difficult battle that was! And the mouth to mouth! It takes SOOOOOO much energy! I think I'm gonna collapse from exhaustion right now!

She turns to leave, shoving Angael out the door. She stops and turns.

Old woman: Make yourselves at home. Well, except for your big-mouthed friend. She can sleep out in the oily mud for all I care.

Cloud yells out the door at Angael.

Cloud: You're really good at making people hate you!

Angael: I AIM TO DISPLEASE!

The old woman leaves.

Aerith: Want to rest?

Cloud: Yeah... Let's rest.

And so they all sleep in the beds the old woman provided, except for Angael, who's left sleeping outside, in a nearby dumpster, which is okay, because someone threw out a mattress and some sheets and a few pillows. Must be spring-cleaning. Meanwhile, everyone is dreaming. Let's see what's going on in Crystal's dreams. We haven't heard from her much today.

In Crystal's dream:

Crystal's form is in a dark room, floating above the cobblestone floor, scattered with bones. Below her lay a dark coffin, opened, with Vincent Valentine inside.

Crystal: You mean "with the ever sexy bishonen Vincent Valentine resting handsomely inside."

:sigh: Whut... ever...

Crystal: Vincent... I'm coming... soon...

Vincent's eyes flutter open. They're emotionless... as usual.

Vincent: Crystal... lay with me...

His lips never form more than a straight line... as usual.

Crystal::tear: OH VINCENT!

Suddenly, Cid bursts in wearing... err... noth..ing...

...oh... my... nosebleed

...Cid would throw a fit if he saw this... :snark:

Cid: VINCENT! Lets... DO IT::hip thrust:

Vincent::emotionless: If it would do to please you... so be it.

Crystal: This isn't a dream...! It's a... a... NIGHTMARE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHBLARGHRARRRBLAH!

Outside of Crystal's dream:

Ahh... Crystal reads too much yaoi. Maybe we should check on Angael.

In Angael's dream:

Sephiroth: Oh JENOVA, Angael... That feels a-mazing...

Outside of Angael's dream:

Nevermind... Wow, Angael certainly does overexagerate Sephiroth's... e..ye...col...or... ;

...God help me. If only Sarah the Boring could see me now. Maybe we should take a break before we visit Cloud's dream sequence.

Me so happy.


	8. This Scene Needs Some Rufus!

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul. This chapter is even longer than the last one, so watch out. And by the way, the hidden door in the Chocobo Stable mentioned about half way through doesn't exist, so it's not worth looking for.

Someone emailed me asking me why I spell it "Nivelheim" instead of "Nibelheim". I've just always done that out of habit. It makes it look more evil with a "v" instead of a "b". Sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

The Dance of the Chocobos: This Scene Needs Some Rufus!

So the director, who's getting pretty fed up with all the distractions by now, turns to Sephiroth and says, "Why don't you take your little party elsewhere?" Well, Sephiroth simply wouldn't take this kind of back talk, being the... uh... something of the world...

Hold on. I'll remember what it was in a minute...

So where we left off, Cloud and the others were asleep in the old woman's house, except for Angael, who was sleeping comfortably outside in a dumpster.

In Cloud's dream:

Disembodied voice: ...That reminds me.

Cloud's voice: You again? ...Who are you?

Disembodied voice: ...You'll find out soon. ...But more importantly, 5 years ago...

Cloud's voice: 5 years ago... Nivelheim?

Disembodied voice: When you went to Mt. Nivel then, Tifa was your guide, right?

Cloud's voice: Yeah... I was surprised. I never expected Tifa to have an Adult's Only escort service. I'm still not quite sure what those odd grunts coming from the other soldier's rooms were. Sephiroth just sat there shaking his head, the soldier that was with us just kind of shook his head...

Disembodied voice: But where was Tifa other than that?

Cloud's voice: ...I dunno.

Disembodied voice: It was a great place for you two to see each other again.

Cloud's voice: ...You're right.

Disembodied voice: Duh! I live in your head! Of course you're going to agree with me!

Cloud's voice: Oh.

Disembodied voice: Now, why couldn't you see each other alone?

Cloud's voice: ...I don't know. I can't remember clearly...

Disembodied voice: Why don't you try asking Tifa?

Cloud's voice: ...Yeah.

Disembodied voice: Then, get up!

Tifa's voice: Hey wake up. Wake up, Cloud!

Outside of Cloud's dream:

As Cloud is waking up, he spots Tifa hovering above him, her cleavage right in his face.

Cloud::groggy: Hey, when'd we get to the Grand Canyon?

Tifa: Fresh!

Tifa smacks Cloud.

Disembodied vioce: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Gah! Overly used humor! Must... resist... killing...!

Cloud: Tifa... When Sephiroth and I went to Nivelheim, where were you?

Tifa: ...We saw each other, right?

Cloud: The other time.

Tifa: I was... uh... taking care of that... err... soldier in... the...t.ent...

Cloud: No, no, no. The OTHER time.

Tifa crosses her arms.

Tifa: No... it was 5 years ago. I don't remember. But, something seems strange outside. Cloud, come quick.

Cloud runs outside.

Tifa: Few! That was a close one! Can't let him know about my "other" job...

She runs out after him. Meanwhile, Cloud has arrived in the center of the Junon slums. There's loud fanfares and music playing. Everyone else waits as he and Tifa arrive.

Aerith: I heard that girl regained consciousness.

No one seems to notice that Yuffie is nowhere around. She, however, is down at the beach, sulking.

Yuffie: It's like I'm not even here... sniff I have feelings, too, you know... sniff I'll get them all in the end! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk...

Poor Yuffie. That's the trouble with being an optional character. Anyways, as Yuffie is sitting on the beach by herself, gloating about some unknown plan, the others are still discussing... things...?

Tifa: Doesn't it seem a little strange? Everything getting so noisy all of a sudden...?

Barret: Those ShinRa foos musta heard I wuz comin', and are throwin' one last bash before I blow 'em to bits!

Everyone else: ¬.¬;

Barret: Ah, I mean... Seems like something's goin' on up there!

Crystal::squeal: RUFIE!

Angael: STOP getting ahead of the script! You're gonna ruin everything.

Everyone else: O.O;

Red XIII: Does this have something to do with the ShinRa?

Cloud starts to go up into Priscilla's room, when she bursts out of it.

Cloud: Are you alright now?

Priscilla::drool: Umm... thanks for helping...

The two of them make their way down the stairs. Priscilla keeps trying to grab Cloud's butt, but no one seems to notice except Angael.

Angael: The garlic didn't work!

Priscilla: I'm sorry, I mistook you for one of those ShinRa, Inc. ...

Cloud: That's all right.

Priscilla: I'll give you something SPECIAL! It's an amulet. Take good care of it, ok? When I'm older, you can have my virginity, too::blush:

She hands Cloud the Shiva summon materia. Crystal promptly takes it and pulls out a computer, hooking up a few wires to it.

Cloud: That's sick. I'm too old for you.

Tifa: Besides, he's mine!

Aerith: No, he's mine!

Cloud was ignoring this conversation, of course. Meanwhile, Aerith, Tifa, and Priscilla get into a cat fight. In the end, Tifa and Aerith end up piled upon one another, and Priscilla is standing on top.

Cloud: Crystal, what are you doing?

Crystal: Upgrading your Shiva materia to Final Fantasy X. Then, I'm going to eat it, so I can turn into her for my limit break.

Cloud: But how will we summon her?

Crystal: I'll give you a copy, of course! Your copy won't be upgraded, though.

Cloud: Whatever...

Barret: What's that music? It sure sounds lively.

Angael: For a march.

Barret: Yeah, what she said.

Priscilla is now hanging all over Cloud, who doesn't seem to notice.

Priscilla: I heard they're rehearsing the reception for the new ShinRa president. He's HOT! ...But I hate him...

Crystal: I like her taste in men.

Crystal hands Cloud his materia, then eats her upgraded copy. She flashes blue momentarily. A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal gained level one limit "Morph Shiva"!

Barret: Rufus? I gotta pay my respects.

Angael: Ha ha...

Barret: What?

Angael: Oh, nothing... It sounded like you were talking about a funeral.

Barret: Don't worry. I wuz.

Priscilla: Grandpa and grandma told me this beach was beautiful when they were small. That was back in... oh... 43 B.C. But after the ShinRa built that city above, the sun stopped shining here, and the water got polluted...

Crystal opens her mouth to say something about her theory on the pollution, and how it has generally nothing to do with loss of sun, but Cloud claps his hand over her mouth. Suddenly, Angael starts to tremble, but no one notices.

Priscilla: I was raised on the story and hate ShinRa so much, I could just die.

Angael: Oh, don't let us stop you.

A little blue text box appears that says: Angael gained level one limit "Snotty Remark"!

Angael: Yeah! Now I don't have to be snotty anymore! I got the limit break! WHOOPIE!

She starts to dance around.

:dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance TRIP:

Angael falls flat on her face into the mud.

Angael: Wah... :tear: I wasn't in the mood for a Russian Mud Facial... :sniff:

Yuffie returns from the beach.

Aerith: You think Rufus is thinking about crossing the ocean from here, too?

Yuffie: We have to cross the OCEAN? I'm gonna be sick just thinking about it...

Aerith: What? Does that mean Sephiroth already crossed the ocean?

Crystal, Cloud, and Angael: Sephiroth!

Everyone else: ¬.¬;

Red XIII: Cloud, didn't you finish Rufus off?

Cloud: Ah... no?

Barret: We gotta get to the town up there... Mebbe we could climb the tower.

The clone, who is still inside the Infispace 3000, speaks up.

Clone: Yesss... the tower... Mwa ha ha ha...

Priscilla: No! No! There's a high voltage current running underneath the tower. Don't wander near it, it's dangerous... ah...

She looks towards Aerith and Tifa.

Priscilla::smile: Except you two. You two are immune. Go ahead! Climb the tower.

Everyone else: O.O;

Priscilla: What?

Tifa rolls her eyes.

Priscilla: So anyways, it's electric, but... you might be able to get up there if Mr. Dolphin helps you. Follow me!

She runs down toward the beach.

Tifa: High voltage tower... I guess this means Cloud'll be alright.

Cloud: That's right! ...HEY!

Aerith: Yeah, better leave it to Cloud!

Red XIII: We're counting on you, Cloud.

Cloud shakes his head.

Cloud: Hey!

Everyone starts to walk away.

Cloud: Wait a second!

He goes to talk to them. First, he speaks with Red XIII and Barret.

Red XIII: That looks like a ShinRa soldier.

Cloud pulls out his sword.

Cloud: Where? Lemme at 'im!

Barret: Yeah, I'd like to take a good look at the new President of ShinRa, Inc.!

Suddenly, one of Crystal's rotten eggs hits Barret in the face.

Barret: WHO THE #&#$ THREW THAT?

Yuffie, standing about 20 yards away, is tossing an egg up and down. When Barret looks her away, she hides it behind her back.

Cloud: Barret, you should take more showers. Your body odor is revolting!

Barret: O.O B-but I... Yuffie... she...

Cloud: You shouldn't blame other people for your hygiene problems.

Barret yells over at Yuffie.

Barret: Just wait 'till you fall asleep!

Cloud moves to talk to Tifa and Aerith. He overhears them talking.

Tifa: Don't you just hate this?

Aerith: You're probably right.

Tifa: Right about what?

Aerith: What you just said.

Tifa: Sometimes, you make no sense.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Next, he goes to speak with Angael.

Angael: You'd better hurry. Crystal's getting impatient.

He then wanders over to where Yuffie is standing.

Yuffie: I really didn't mean to hit Barret. I was aiming for Red XIII. I guess I don't have a very good eye for targets...

Cloud: Why do you use shirukens then?

Yuffie: It's hard to miss something huge when your weapons about the size of a bicycle tire.

Cloud finishes by speaking with Crystal.

Crystal: We still have to go through Junon, a long trip on a dangerous vessel, then through Costa del Sol, and encounter in Corel, an endeavor at the Gold Saucer, then on to Gongaga, to Cosmo Canyon for Red XIII's quest, and THEN we can get to Nivelheim. Oh, Vincent... I'll hurry for you. I promise.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world...

Vincent: Hmm... what is this odd dread from deep within my being::shudder:

X.X; Lucky for Cloud, he didn't hear Crystal's babbling, or the whole journey would have been given away. By the way, no, I didn't have to look at a script to find out what was coming next. I've got the whole game memorized by heart. Did you know that if you get back to the Gold Saucer the second time within six hours and you have Vincent in your party you might be able to get him to take Cloud's place in the snowboarding game? Ah... don't take my word for that. It's a rumor.

Cloud: What are you mumbling about this time?

Crystal has a crazed look in his eye.

Crystal: Mumble mumble! HEE HEE HEE::squeal: Soon... VERY soon...

Cloud: You're scaring me.

Crystal: Good. That means I'm doing my job properly.

Cloud: ¬.¬;

He then runs down to the beach.

Priscilla: Wait a minute.

Barret arrives in time to see the dolphin jump over a metal bar thingy that's attached to the electric tower. He and Cloud "ooh" and "aah".

Barret and Cloud: Ooh! Aah!

See?

Barret: Now ain't that something! I ain't never seen no dolphin jump like that!

The others run in.

Crytal: Double negative alert.

Angael: TRIPLE negative, actually.

Crystal's eyes begin to glow like fire and brimstone.

Crystal: YOU DARE CORRECT ME! I'M THE ONE WRITING THIS STORY!

Angael: I can't help it if the voice of me in your head is completely accurate to who I really am. It's sad that you can entertain yourself with me when I'm NOT EVEN THERE.

Crystal::cries:

Tifa: Barret, what have I told you about using proper grammar?

Barret: I'll use Ebonics if I wanna! Or else...

He shakes his fist angrily.

Tifa: I HOPE you didn't just threaten me, mister!

She takes him across her knee and spanks him.

Aerith: You two have done that before, haven't you?

Tifa: Prep.

Aerith: Slut.

Tifa: Wench!

Aerith: Bitch!

Tifa: WHORE!

Aerith: LOOK WHO'S TALKING!

Priscilla: Pretty cool, huh? When I blow this whistle, Mr. Dolphin jumps for me. Here! This is for you, Cloud! With it, you have both Mr. Dolphin and I under your total control. Just whistle if you need any "personal" favors. :wink:

Aerith and Tifa: PROSTITUTE!

Priscilla: TWO-CENT HOES!

She gives Cloud her whistle. Ya know what, that could be taken to be a dirty remark... ¬.¬,

Cloud: A gift? What am I supposed to do with it?

Priscilla: You weren't listening to me a moment ago, were you? Just go into the water, blow this whistle, and Mr. Dolphin'll jump you to the top of the pole!

Cloud: Jump to the top of the pole?

Disembodied voice: See that rod sticking out at the top? If you jump just right, you can climb to the top of the town.

Cloud starts to nod in agreement.

Barret: Whattya noddin' at, foo?

Cloud: Uh... nuthin.

Barret: Good luck Cloud! If you make it, we'll follow you. Woah, I'll hold the PHS for you. It'll break if it gets wet.

Disembodied voice: You wanna jump with Mr. Dolphin?

You may as well. There's nothing better to do. Not even a two-bit saloon to get drunk in. Stoopid Junon slums... No wonder the Turks never visit. There's no booze!

Cloud: Sure.

Barret: First noddin' to himself... now talkin' to himself. Crazy foo...

Cloud puffs up his chest.

Cloud::quietly: Hero of Summer... Hero of Summer... Hero of Summer...

Cloud makes his way to the bottom of the tower and blows the whistle. He grabs onto the dolphins fin, the dolphin jumps, bringing him with it, and he lands safely on the pole. Well, except...

Pole: BZZZZZZZZZT!

Cloud::twitch: GrrrraahahaaaarrrrrarhrrrAAHARRRHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH::tremble:

Priscilla: Hmm, I guess the pole has a small charge, too.

Cloud returns to climbing the tower, small flecks of electricity jumping from hair spike to hair spike. Soon, he reaches the top of the town, the others following him closely. He ends up on a large landing deck. Floating in front of him is a very large airship.

Angael: Our first sign of Cid!

Crystal whispers over to Red XIII.

Crystal: whispering Angael's second love.

Red XIII: Who is this "Cid" person?

Angael: Oh, I love him so much! He's sooooo cute!

Crystal: If he heard you saying that, you'd be as good as dead. Hey, Cloud! Can we go see the airship!

Cloud: I suppose, but don't get into any trouble! Meet us down at the docks at the boat that's going across the ocean, ok?

Angael: YEAH! We get to play with things that might just go...

She turns to Crystal and puts on her most evil face.

Angael::mongo loud: BOOOM!

Crystal jumps and starts to cry.

Angael: Bwa ha ha ha!

The two of them run off towards the airship. Soon, they've climbed the rope ladder and have disappeared out of Cloud's sight. Cloud and the others head into the base, while on the airship, Crystal and Angael have found some hidden bunk rooms (there's a hidden door in the Chocobo Stable that leads downward) and have decided to do a little redecorating. They're sitting at a table, painting names on long blocks of wood.

Angael: You know… we're going to be a room short. Two people are gonna have to share a room. Probably share the huge one at the end of the hall...

Crystal: That's taken care of.

She holds up the large silver plaque that says "Crystal and Vincent's room. Be sure to knock before entering." painted in beautifully scripted black letters.

Angael: ¬.¬; R-ight...

Crystal: Uwee hee hee hee hee!

Meanwhile, back in the base, three soldiers march by Cloud, followed closely by their captain. The others are hiding at this point.

Captain: Hey! You still dressed like that? Come 'ere! Here! Get in the room!

Cloud: Nooooo... I don't wanna!

The captain pushes Cloud into the locker room.

Captain: Today's the big day when we welcome President Rufus! Hurry up and change!

Cloud: It's the ShinRa uniform.

Captain: What'd ya expect? A cheerleading outfit?

Cloud: Actually, the president would probably prefer cheerleaders over soldiers...

He smells the uniform.

Cloud: Oh my GOD! Who's been WEARING this thing? It smells HORRIBLE::moan: Augh... my poor nose...

Cloud starts to get changed when he looks over at the captain.

Cloud: I KNOW you're not about to watch me get undressed. A little privacy, please?

Captain: You want privacy? Get promoted to a private and we'll see!

Cloud::muttering: I was in SOLDIER so I outrank you anyways, Captain Badass...

Captain: WHAT WAS THAT!

Cloud: N-nothing...

Captain: That's it! Drop and give me 50! And for God's sake, MAKE IT QUICK!

Meanwhile, Red XIII has found a uniform of his own. Tifa and the others are already in theirs, and are trying to convince Red XIII to put his on.

Tifa: Come on... It'll look slimming on you!

Red XIII: Are you saying I'm FAT?

Tifa: N-no...

Red XIII: I should have a choice, you know! I don't like dressing like two-legged things.

Aerith: Or breeding with two-legged things.

Red XIII: Absolutely.

Somewhere else, back on the Highwind, Crystal and Angael have been painting Red XIII's room a very lovely shade of green, with a plush creme carpet and have placed a lovely soft blue mat in the corner, along with some other things he might need.

Angael: Crystal, you've got paint in your hair.

Crystal: I do? Where?

She swings around to look for it, hitting Angael in the face with the paint in her hair, splattering it across her nose. When Crystal turns back around, she laughs.

Crystal: You've got paint on your nose!

Angael: I know.

She tries to wipe it off, but only ends up smearing it.

Angael: STUPID PAINT!

Crystal puts her hands on the walls, trying to cover... it's... e..ars...¬.¬;

Crystal: Shh! Don't say that! You'll hurt it's feelings!

She realizes the paint is still wet, and trys to wipe it off on herself, only spreading it. Angael is still trying to wipe off her face, which is now spreading around even more. Pretty soon, they're both completely green.

Crystal: I always knew you were green with envy over my painting skills, but this is ridiculous...

Angael: It's not much of a skill if there's more paint on you than on the wall.

Crystal: Hey now!

God, am I ever having fun with this! Anyways, back in the locker room, Cloud has finished his pushups and resumed putting on the uniform.

Cloud: Brings back memories...

Captain: Quit yappin'! Hurry up!

Cloud: A ShinRa uniform... I was so proud when I first put it on.

He hops up and down, trying to get his leg into the pants.

Cloud: I wonder when it was... I couldn't stand wearing this thing anymore.

He walks out of the room wearing the complete ensemble.

Captain: Wow! You look good in it!

Cloud: Of course I do! I'm on a constant strict diet, you know. Lots of exercise, too.

Captain: You remember the Greeting Procedure, right?

Cloud: … :shrug:

Captain: ...the look on your face says you forgot. All right, I'll show you again! Do just like we do.

Two other fully attired soldiers run in.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb: Commander! We'll help too! This is how to do it. We'll sing too!

Cloud: Anything but that...

Captain: All right! Show 'em! Now, march! This's the Welcoming March!

Cloud starts getting in the spirit of things.

Cloud: Then! I'll sing along with you!

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb: Quietly--! Aaah! Aaah! Hey, come on now! Now!

They start to praise Rufus, ShinRa, and affiliates, Trade Mark, Copyright, Rights Reserved, Patent Pending, etc... The captain begins to instruct Cloud on what to do.

Captain: Keep in step with the soldier next to you and march smoothly! Once you're all in step, shoulder your gun! Got it?

Cloud: All clear!

Captain: Good! Make sure you do well at the real parade! My boyfriend is gonna be there, and I don't want any screw-ups!

Cloud: Does that mean you were hitting on me earlier?

Captain: No... you're not my type.

After a bit more practice, where Cloud refuses to look at the captain anymore, being completely disgusted, a third soldier runs in.

Tweedle Dip: Rufus has arrived! Preparation completed!

The three brainless grunts leave.

Captain: All right, show time! Don't disgrace yourselves, or me for that matter! I'm watching you all like a hawk...

He turns to Cloud.

Captain: Especially YOU!

Cloud shudders and follows them out of the locker room. Meanwhile, the others are having a bit of trouble finding their way back to the docks, and have winded up in a local bar, still wearing ShinRa uniforms, where they see none other than...

Tifa: The Turks!

Reno: Hey, aren't you guys supposed to be in the parade?

Red XIII: Uh... no. We are rounding up assorted crewmembers for the trek across the sea. Have you seen any of them?

Aerith::whispering: Nice going, Red!

Tseng: No. Hmm...

He approaches Aerith.

Tseng: Your figure looks a lot like a young woman I know...

He goes to pull off her mask when one of the ships crewmembers walks out of a back room, gaining everyone's attention.

Sailor: Oh, are you guys here for me? Sorry I'm so late. C'mon. I'll escort you guys back to the docks.

He salutes the Turks.

Sailor: Sirs.

They all leave together. Meanwhile, back on the Highwind, Angael and Crystal have finished every room except Angael's and Crystal's (which is also Vincent's). They are currently hanging an Arabian chair from the ceiling in Crystal's room. Oh, come on... You've seen the chairs before! They're like wicker half-cylinders with a cushion in it that hangs from he ceiling. Anyways, Crystal's hanging the chair and Angael's draping red lace over the top of the steel California King size canopy bed. She smoothes out the black and red silk and satin sheets. Crystal's love nest.

Angael: I hope this is the last time I'll ever see your room. I can already picture you and Vincent rolling under the covers. :shudder:

Crystal: Ahan... Vincent... we shouldn't...! What if the others find out::as Vincent: It matters little. You and I need this. :normal: Ahannnn... :blush:

Angael: ¬.¬;

Crystal starts to stare off blankly into space.

Crystal::drool:

Angael: I don't know why I put up with you. One of these days, I should give you a good smack.

Meanwhile, Cloud and the other soldiers have made their way to the middle of Junon, where a helicopter is hovering overhead. The captain is barking orders to his troops. Another soldier arrives.

Captain: Begin the Welcome Parade!

They all move to their positions. Thousands of soldiers are marching in straight formation. Rufus is in the center of it all, waiving from the back seat of his convertible, streamers and glitter flying everywhere. Suddenly, a piece of glitter hits his eye, and he yells to his driver.

Rufus: Find whoever threw that piece of confetti and torture him!

Back at the base, Cloud is following the other soldiers out towards the parade. Back at the long street, the soldiers arrive.

Captain: Oh no! No one's here! Late---?

Tweedle Dee: It appears so, sir!

Tweedle Dumb: We're positively positive!

Tweedle Dip: Let's shake it!

Many thinks to Chrono Cross for that one. Another soldier runs to an alley.

Random soldier: Hey! Rookie! It's because you're running around like that!

Cloud: ROOKIE? I'll have you know, I was a SOLDIER, First Class before you even JOINED ShinRa, you ROOKIE!

But, alas, no one hears him.

Tweedle Dee: Captain! We'll take a short cut!

Captain: Right! Good idea. Get over here, sweet cheeks!

Cloud shudders.

Cloud: Patience, Hero of Summer, patience.

He runs to catch up with the captain.

Captain: All right! You first!

Meanwhile, back on the Highwind, Crystal and Angael have finished redecorating and have sat down to a cup of tea.

Crystal: You know what, if Sephiroth had a dog, I bet it would be a pair of Mini Yorkies.

Angael: Why's that?

Crystal: My mom has a pair. They're black with brown faces and legs, and a mess of silver hair on top of their heads that spikes out every which way, super cute eyes, and big, cute ears. They're completely loyal, and even a bit quasi-evil if you get a boy and a girl.

Angael: How about a big, black Great Dane? A big baby of one!

Crystal: Yeah!

Angael: Yeah!

Crystal and Angael quiet down.

Angael: ...hey.

Crystal: Yeah?

Angael: Why don't we ask him? Get me the clone.

They pull out Number 12. After a bit of prodding, he reluctantly morphs for direct Sephiroth communication.

Sephiroth: YOU again?

Angael: Yah...

Crystal: SEPHIROTH!

She kisses him on the lips.

Angael: HEY! Only I can do that!

Sephiroth::sputtering: What is this? A meeting of my fan club?

Angael: We have a question for you.

Crystal: Yah!

Angael: If you had a dog, what breed would it be?

Sephiroth: I do have a dog, and it's a chihuahua.

Angael and Crystal: Whaaaaat?

Angael: Why?

Sephiroth: Because they're mean and insane and pocket sized for easy travel. Now, goodbye.

The clone morphs back.

Clone: Re...union...

Angael and Crystal stuff him back in the bag.

Clone: Murrfle…!

Ahh... this one was TOO long! I was gonna keep going until they got on the ship, but there's a long joke coming up, so it would have made the chapter unbearable. Anyways, I hope you followed it okay this time, seeing as the scenes were split into three parts... This chapter was dedicated to my dad, though I'm not sure why.


	9. Heidegger's Horseradish

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul. And yet another long chapter.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Heidegger's Horseradish

Oh yeah! He's the next Great Conqueror of the World! Uh...

...what had I been saying?

Cloud finds himself at the end of an alley. Down the street a few blocks, the soldiers are marching in rank down the street in their military procession. The captain is urging Cloud to sneak into the lines.

Cloud: Nope.

Captain: Get in there, or I'll have you demoted!

Cloud: FINE::sniff: Meanie...

Cloud runs into the ranks, a little worse for wear. Meanwhile, up above, TV announcers are rating the performance.

TV Producer: What the hell was that soldier doing?

AD: I don't know.

TV Producer: Are the points up?

AD: Well, it's so-so.

TV Producer: Hmm... Better send that soldier something. Maybe a bomb...

If you do poorly, they actually say that! X.X; Anyways, after the parade, Cloud receives a lovely package with some armor, potions, ethers, and grenades in it. After a while, Cloud makes his way to a large paved platform under the tram. There's other soldiers there, too, and Cloud joins in their formation. Rufus and Heidegger are talking nearby.

Tweedle Dee: Good! We made it.

Tweedle Dumb: Oh! President Rufus!

Captain: Hey! Line up and shut up.

Cloud::mumbling: Yes, sir, Captain Badass...

Tweedle Dip: Don't make a move!

Cloud and the others stand still.

Rufus: How's the job?

He steps away from Heidegger momentarily.

Rufus: What happened to the Airship?

Heidegger: We're not quite sure, but there's a weird paint smell coming from the Chocobo Stable, and strange giggling coming from somewhere down below. We think it's haunted.

Rufus: I don't care about that. Why else?

Heidegger: Well, the long range airship is still being prepared. It should be ready in about three more days. Gya haa haa!

Rufus: Even the Air Force's Gelnika?

Heidegger: ...Gya haa haa!

Rufus moves back towards him.

Rufus: Stop that stupid horselaugh!

Heidegger looks around hungrily.

Heidegger::thinking: Horseradish? Where there's horseradish, there's food! Gya haa haa!

Rufus: Things are different than when father was in charge.

Slowly, Heidegger stops laughing.

Heidegger: Gya...

Rufus: Is the ship ready?

Heidegger: Yes Sir, we'll get it ready quickly.

Rufus steps up the platform onto the tram, but trips over the last step. Heidegger stands there laughing.

Heidegger: Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa!

Rufus: Shut up, you fat horse!

Heidegger::mumbling: I'll eat you...

Bwa ha ha ha! I'll be smiling for weeks about that one...

Director: Oh, shut up.

The tram pulls away. Meanwhile, from somewhere near by, about thirty feet up, sitting on the top of the Sister Ray, is Angael and Crystal.

Angael: I like Heidegger. He's funny.

Crystal: He reminds me of Fat Bastard.

Angael: I kinda feel sorry for him. He can't help that he laughs like a horse.

Crystal::as Heidegger: Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa!

Meanwhile, back down below, Heidegger has stopped laughing.

Heidegger: Hmm... must be an echo.

The soldiers move away as Heidegger runs forward...

...right smack into Cloud. He smacks him around a bit before following the tram.

Cloud: Owww... ya big... MEANIE::sniff:

Tweedle Dee: What a disaster.

Tweedle Dumb: Heidegger was really irritated...

Captain: The man in the Black Cape's been roaming the city, but we can't find him.

Cloud: Man in the Black Cape? More like man in the Black Trenchcoat.

Captain: He showed up two or three days ago, and killed a few of our soldiers.

Tweedle Dip: He disappered right after that. There's a rumor going around that it was Sephiroth.

Cloud: Sephiroth!

Meanwhile, back above...

Angael and Crystal: Sephiroth!

Angael: Let's go find him!

Crystal: Yeah!

Sephiroth: You don't have to. I'm right here.

Crystal and Angael both leap at him with such bravado that it smacks of Black Mage leaping at Fighter from 8-Bit.

Sephiroth: ARGH!

Angael: SEPHY-SAMA! Give me a ki-iss!

Crystal: Me tooooooo!

Angael: NO! HE'S MINE! YOU'VE GOT VINCENT!

She leaps upon her.

Sephiroth::sigh: Ladies, ladies... There's enough of the Great Sephiroth to go around. I'm more than either of you can handle by yourself.

Crystal: See, this is why I like Vincent more. He's humble. He doesn't even think himself worthy of love.

Sephiroth: Love Vincent more...?

Angael: Vincent's nothing in comparison to my SEPHY!

Crystal: You lie like a rug!

Sephiroth: A woman thinks someone else is better than I. This Vincent shall die.

Crystal glares at him.

Sephiroth: Tell me where to find this man!

Crystal: NEVER, YOU FIEND!

Sephiroth smiles sweetly.

Sephiroth: I'll give you a kiss.

Angael's jaw drops.

Angael: I'll tell you!

Crystal pushes her off the side of the Sister Ray. Moments later, thousands of feet below, a large splash is heard.

Sephiroth: Well?

Crystal: Not for a trillion dollars!

Sephiroth: How 'bout I make you my right hand woman?

Jenova's voice: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: Well, besides my mother, of course...

Lucrecia's voice: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: And that weird chick I keep seeing in my dreams...

Captain Kirk's voice: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: And Captain Kirk, 'cuz he rulz.

Crystal: How many right hands do you HAVE?

Sephiroth: As Bizarro Sephiroth? Just enough to add you.

Crystal: No way.

Sephiroth: Than you shall perish.

Angael appears behind him, dripping wet.

Angael: SEPHY!

She leaps upon him.

Sephiroth: Grah!

He pushes her off and disappears.

Crystal: Come back! He was mean, but that's all part of his charm...

Angael: I see we're going to have a bit of conflict here.

Meanwhile, at the port, Sephiroth, who has just appeared, is trying to sneak onto the ship.

Sephiroth: Okay... If I can just make it up to that porthole...

Crystal: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

He falls over. Angael peers over him.

Sephiroth: HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST!

Crystal: We hopped into the Time/Space tear you created when you warped.

Crickets: Kree... kree... kree...

Sephiroth: What do you two want?

Angael: To help.

Sephiroth: You can help me by going away. I have to sneak past those guards.

Crystal: Why don't you just levitate across the ocean?

Sephiroth: Because I won't have a chance to kill people. Duh.

Crystal: Oh...

Angael: Do me a favor and get in that crate. Crystal, you go get the others.

Sephiroth: What others?

Angael: Do as I say!

She pushes him in the crate.

Sephiroth: H-hey!

Angael climbs in after him. Crystal looks around the corner and taps on the shoulder of one of the soldiers with boobs.

Aerith: Wha...?

Crystal: If you guys don't want to look suspicious, then do some work. Follow me.

They all go back to where the crate is.

Crystal: Angael and I couldn't find uniforms, so we're going to get in that crate. Just start loading the ship.

She climbs in. In order not to give his position away, they clasp their hands over his mouth. Meanwhile, back outside, Aerith, Barret, Red XIII, and Tifa are hauling the crate onto the ship.

Red XIII: This crate seems a bit heavy for there to only be two girls in it.

Angael::muffled: I heard that!

Tifa: It's as though there's another person in there!

Barret flexes his muscles.

Barret: I ain't havin' no problem.

Tifa rolls her eyes.

Tifa: I wouldn't expect so.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Ah hah... Sooo... anyways... Cloud is still wandering around back below the Sister Ray.

Captain: Attention! Dismissed!

The other soldiers leave their positions, except for Cloud. Another different captain walks up to him.

Captain: Hey! Hey you! You messing with the army?

Cloud: What if I am?

Cloud gives him this tough look.

Captain: H-hey, I'm just following my orders... :sniff: Ya don't gotta be so mean.

Cloud: Well, if you wanna do your job well, you'd better toughen up. Now, lets try that again. WHAT IF I AM?

Captain: Ahh... :tear: Don't yell at meeeee!

Cloud: ¬.¬ Okay, let's try this one more time. This time, try to be mean. Ahh... I know! When you respond, say something that would make you cry if you were in my place.

Captain::sniff: O-okay...

Cloud: What if I am?

Captain: You're too lazy! No break for you! Get over here!... Gee, that felt great.

Cloud: See?

Captain: Shut up, you stupid grunt! How dare you mess with the army! Come with me, pronto!

Cloud: O.O W-what?

Captain: MOVE!

They make their way over into the locker room. When they get there, the new captain leaves, and the one from before talks to Cloud.

Captain: This is the military, soldier! Your orders for today are to send off President Rufus at the dock! I'll keep drilling you until it's time!

The two soldiers from before open the door and walk in.

Tweedle Dee: I'll help, sir!

Tweedle Dumb: Me too, sir!

Captain: All right! Line up in order and show me your final pose! Today's command is formation! Remember it! Ready? Junon Military Send Off, BEGIN!

A little blue text box appears that says: Press the buttons in order with what the captain says!

Captain: Square!

Cloud: Huh? Wait! I don't know how to square dance!

Captain: Right!

Cloud turns to the right.

Cloud: Well, at least I got that one...

Captain: Circle!

Cloud: STOP!

Captain: What now?

Cloud: What ARE you talking about?

Captain: Press the buttons!

Cloud: Dude... buttons? That's as crazy as Crystal's "walking into people" thing!

Captain: All right! Now you try it! Just do what the other soldiers do!

Cloud does the drill with them.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

They do it again.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

They do it again.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

They do it again.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

They do it again.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

They do it again.

Captain: So you got it?

Cloud: Not yet.

Captain: Too bad!

Cloud: Aah... I've got it.

Captain: All right! Don't mess up during the real thing!

Tweedle Dee: Commander! What's today's special pose? Are we gonna moon him again?

Captain: Hmm... yes, I liked that one a lot... But Heidegger doesn't seem to approve. When I told him moon, he thought I said Moonpie, and man! Was he ever surprised...

Cloud: You know, I bet things would have been different if Crystal and Angael hadn't appeared...

Ha ha ha... He is soooooo right.

Tweedle Dumb: So what will it be, sir?

Captain: Huh? ...I haven't decided yet. All right, rookie! I'll let you decide! Show me your best move!

Cloud: Let's see... My best move is...

He wraps his arm around Tweedle Dee's shoulder.

Cloud: Hey, baby...

Cloud! Not that kind of move! No wonder you don't currently have a girlfriend. I'm sure Aerith and Tifa would think the same if they saw you now... Tsk... How sad...

Captain: Get serious, soldier! When you win a battle, what do you do?

Cloud: Aah!

He spins his gun.

Tweedle Dee: Woo-----ow! I didn't know you cared::sigh:

Cloud: ...

Tweedle Dumb: That's awesome!

Captain: All right! We'll go with that as today's special! Practice it!

Tweedle Dee: Yes sir::whisper: I'll see you later, cutie.

Cloud: Eww...

Tweedle Dumb: Yes sir!

Captain: Well then! Meet at the dock! Don't be late! Attention! Dismissed!

Cloud and the others head towards the dock, but before he gets there, Tweedle Dee pulls Cloud into an alley.

Tweedle Dee: Hey.

Cloud: Listen, I'm not into guys...

Tweedle Dee: Really? That's great!

He pulls off his mask, revealing beautiful, cascading hair. He then steps out of the uniform and unwraps some bandages that were suppressing her boobs.

Cloud: Wha... :drool:

She tickles him under the chin.

Tweedle Dee: So here's the skinny. My name is Scarlet, and I'm doing under cover reconnaissance work to find out where Sephiroth is. If you work your hips right, I could get you promoted. What's your goal, soldier::smile:

Cloud: Sc-Scarlet?

Scarlet: Yes?

Cloud::gulp:

Meanwhile, back on the dock, the others are still loading crates onto the ship, but the one Sephiroth is in has already been loaded.

Sephiroth::twitch:

Crystal: What's wrong?

Sephiroth: I sense essence of Scarlet.

Angael: Scarlet?

Crystal: Whee! I LOVE Scarlet! She's cool!

Sephiroth: You're the only one who thinks so. I have an irrepressible urge. I must go.

Angael: Go and what?

Sephiroth: Splatter Scarlet on the street.

Angael::sigh: How poetic...

Crystal: But you're NOT going anywhere!

Sephiroth: And why not?

Angael: Because you have to be on this ship. If you're late, there won't be any reason to cross the ocean. And I want to play at the Gold Saucer and see Cid!

Crystal starts crying.

Crystal: And I want to see Vincent!

Sephiroth: Well, I'm going, and you can't stop me.

He whips out Masamune, but in an enclosed space, he swings improperly, and accidentally cuts off a small, teeny tiny, incey wincey iota lock of Crystal's hair.

Crystal::squeak:

Angael: Uh oh...

Sephiroth: O.O; Uh... sorry?

Crystal::mongo loud: BOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

Sephiroth: O.O What do I do! What do I do!

Angael: Pray.

Outside of the box, the others are sitting down for a break when they see one particularly large box rumbling around. Back with Cloud...

Cloud: LEGGO! LEGGO! I WANT MY MOMMY!

Scarlet: You can't escape, sugar! Kya haa haa!

Suddenly, her phone rings. She answers it.

Scarlet: Scarlet, head of Weapons Development Division here... Oh, Hi, Rude. What?...NOW! ...Oh, fine... Yes, I'll be there.

She hangs up.

Scarlet: Sorry, sweet cheeks. I've gotta go. Here.

She hands Cloud a slip of paper. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud recieved "Scarlet's Personal Hotline Number"!

Scarlet: Gimme a ring sometime, babe.

Cloud: Augh...

Scarlet runs off, and Cloud crumples up the piece of paper. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud lost "Scarlet's Personal Hotline Number"! Cloud makes his way back towards the dock. On his way, he spots Rude walking down the street, a fresh scratch mark across his face. Cloud, curious, stops to talk to him. He salutes.

Cloud: Sir! May I ask what happened, sir?

Rude: ...the wrath of Scarlet.

Cloud continues on towards the dock. When he arrives, he stands in formation with the other troops.

Captain: All right, it's time!

Tweedle Dumb: Hey, where's our other soldier?

Cloud: No comment.

Captain: President Rufus... has now arrived! Ten... HUT!

A pair of sliding doors open and Rufus and Heidegger step through, looking quite official, well, except for the smudge of BBQ on Heidegger's uniform... Horseradish. Gya haa haa!

Captain: This is it! Junon Military Reception--! Do it right--- Do it with enthusiasm...! Ready...!

Cloud readies himself.

Captain: SQUARE! RIGHT! CIRCLE! TRIANGLE! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! TRIANGLE! CANCEL! CANCEL! SQUARE! RIGHT! CIRCLE! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... SPECIAL POSE!

Screen music: Dah dah dah dah da dum dah dah dummmm!

Bad impression of end of battle music! Da dum... CHHH!

Rufus::sigh: Same as always... Well done. Keep up the good work for ShinRa, Inc.

Heidegger: Gya haa ha...! Here's a special bonus for you! A token of the President's kindness! Don't forget it!

Cloud receives a random accessory. No one really cares... I think it's a pair of goggles and some motion sickness pills and patches. Rufus makes his way onto the boat.

Rufus: Once the word gets out that Sephiroth's here, Cloud and his friends will show up, too.

Heidegger: We'll crush them as soon as we find them!

Rufus turns.

Rufus: We can't have them get in our way.

Cloud rolls his eyes.

Heidegger: Leave it up to me, sir! Gya haa ha!

Rufus: I thought I told you to stop that stupid laugh...

He walks onto the boat.

Heidegger: Gya...

Of all my lines, I like Heidegger's the best. Especially when all he says is "Gya..." Anyways, Heidegger gets angry and shakes his fist, then runs onto the boat behind Rufus.

Captain: All right! Dismissed!

The other two soldiers speak with one another.

Tweedle Dumb: That was close.

Tweedle Dip: Heidegger's been really edgy lately.

Tweedle Dumb: Because Hojo disappeared, leaving a letter of resignation.

HE'S ONLY 30 FREAKIN' YEARS TOO LATE! #$&#)!

Tweedle Dip: Heidegger's been forced to take care of that investigation, too.

The captain runs towards them.

Captain: Hey--! I thought you were dismissed.

The two soldiers run off.

Captain: We've got some cleaning to do! Hurry up!

Cloud: And I thought I wouldn't have to clean after I moved out of my mom's house...

The captain follows his troops. Cloud runs onto the boat.

Cloud's voice: We'll cross the ocean, to the new continent. ...even if we are wearing ShinRa's uniforms...

Outside the city, the ship leaves the Junon harbor and begins its long trek towards Costa del Sol. Meanwhile, somewhere on the boat, Crystal is sitting in a dark corner, singing to herself.

Crystal::singing: Match maker, match maker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch... Bwa ha ha ha! Here I come, Vincent!

Gya... That took a long time! I had basically no material to work with here, folks, so I had to do quite a bit of... improvising. Actually, as you could tell, I ended up making one of the captain's gay and the other emotionally disturbed... It wasn't easy. :raises a glass of chaimpagne: Here's to Heidegger!


	10. Giving BIRTH; Jenova goes Augh!

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Gah! Trying to cram the entire boat ride into one chapter could be hazardous to my health. Let's see what happens. This is, yet again, a LONG chapter. Sorry, most of the beginning is only text jokes. There's not a lot of action to deal with.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Giving BIRTH; Jenova goes "Augh!"

So, Sephiroth simply wouldn't take this kind of back talk, being the next Great Conqueror of the World, so he took the bartender by the hair and led her into the kitchen. He soon emerged, a smug expression on his face. By this time, the delusional man had regained his senses, and took note that the bartender was missing, so he turned to Sephiroth and asked, "Where's the big-breasted woman who serves drinks?" Sephiroth chuckled to himself softly and said, "Roach patrol!"

Heh heh heh... Whaddya think? Look for a new joke on the next continent!

So... anyways... ; Lessee... Where were we? Oh yes... So the ship is crossing the ocean, and at present, it's about a fourth of the way through the journey. Cloud's running around aimlessly, AS USUAL... He's running around talking to random people. Kinda like in Junon!

Soldier: I'm workin' hard already, and you still want me to do more? The new President's probably the same. He's just gonna order us around anyway.

Cloud: I didn't tell you to do anything...

He walks around, looking for someone else to talk to. For a while, he gets lost in a maze of boxes.

Cloud: Oooh... an ELIXIR... Yeah! Yeah yeah!

He starts to dance around. And... I'm not sure if you can really find an elixir... ¬.¬;

:dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance TRIP:

Cloud::bleed:

Eventually, he comes upon another soldier.

Soldier: Um... It's me, Aerith.

Cloud: I know. You're the one with medium boobs.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud: ¬.¬; :sweat:

Aerith: Hey, Cloud. Did you see the airship at Junon?

Cloud: ...I heard it was big, but I didn't expect it to be THAT big.

Angael yells from somewhere far off.

Angael: THAT'S BECAUSE CID MADE IT! HE DOES EVERYTHING BIG!

Aerith: Tee hee! That was REALLY something. Hey, do you think I could get on it?

Cloud: I'd take you if it was safe, but... I dunno... It's a ShinRa weapon. We probably should've destroyed it.

Aerith: ...Hmm. But just once, I'd like to ride it. Just once, I'd like to ride that airship.

You know, that sentence would make a good end to a chapter... Very poetic... Angael yells towards them again.

Angael: WE WOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU DESTROY IT!

Cloud talks to another soldier.

Soldier: It won't do any good trying to stop me!

Cloud: No! Don't jump overboard! YOUR LIFE IS STILL WORTH LIVING!

Soldier: You need to stop drinking happy juice.

Cloud looks to his hand and hides a near-empty bottle.

Soldier: All right! I'm going to show the new President what I'm made of!

Cloud: ...you're going to strip for him?

Soldier: Stay - off - the - juice!

Cloud: Geez! Alright!

Cloud runs off to talk to another soldier.

Soldier: Hey, get to work! Both the new President Rufus and Heidegger are aboard this ship! If we do good, we could get promoted! Mmm... Rufus... I'd LOVE to be his right hand man...

Cloud goes off to talk to another soldier.

Tifa: Yes sir! Everything quiet, sir! ...But, you know what? I really hate this uniform. Uniforms, soldiers, war.

Cloud::thinking: Bras, Sephiroth, everything...

Tifa continues.

Tifa: I hate 'em all. They take away the things and people you love... I wish they'd all disappear. Right, Cloud?

Heh heh heh... When in doubt, be mean.

Cloud: I don't know...

Tifa: ...Cloud. Wearing those clothes seems to have changed you a little.

Sephiroth mumbles from a nearby crate.

Sephiroth: He should change more often. I can smell him from here.

Tifa: Does it remind you of being in SOLDIER? I hope not...

Cloud walks away and notices Yuffie speaking with a sailor. Yuffie is a lovely shade of green.

Sailor: Hey! What's wrong, kid? You got no pep! A seaman's gotta have umph!

Yuffie turns to him grumpily.

Yuffie: Yeah? Well, you practically live on a ship, only coming onto shore to sleep with a few women every now and then, so of course you've got pep... :hurk:

Sailor: Well, I can tell from your voice you're a girl, so perhaps I could show you another way to get rid of sea-sickness. :purrr:

Yuffie: Aaaahh... :sweat:

The sailor grabs her butt.

Yuffie: ... :blush: S-stop it...

Sailor: Awww... come on, honey.

He licks his lips.

Yuffie: YOU SICKO!

She throws him over the side of the ship. Someone from the crows nest yells, "Male chauvinist overboard!"

After the sailor is brought back on board, Cloud speaks with him.

Sailor: How 'bout you, kid? How're you feeling?

Cloud: OH no. You're not gonna flirt with ME. Leave me alone.

Sailor: Sheesh! Fine... Come back if you need anything.

Meanwhile, up in the crow's nest...

Crystal: Arr, matey! Nothin' but the sweet salty ocean as far at ye eye can see! Arr!

Angael: Thank you, Captain Kook.

Crystal: That's CAPTAIN Kook to you, matey! ARR!

Angael: ¬.¬;

Crystal: Poor Cloud. Ever since we got here, his journey's been too strange for words.

Angael: You just put it into words.

Crystal: Oh. Ah... Batten down the hatches! Raise the main sail!

Angael: This is a steam powered ship. There aren't any sails.

Crystal: Mutiny, eh? Arr, I'll have yer head walkin' the plank by the time the North Star rises!

Polly: Squawk! Have yer head!

Angael: Shoo! Shoo!

The bird flies away.

Crystal: POLLY? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

At the same time, down in one of the crates, although not the one Sephy- sama is in, a strange hooded figure sits in the shadows.

Shadow: Soon, Cloud. Soon.

Cloud makes his way towards a rather eager looking soldier.

Soldier: Oh man, we're almost to Costa del Sol. When I get there, I'm going to take a long overdue vacation. Maybe I'll go down to the beach and get a tan...

Cloud: What's the point of getting a tan if no one will ever see it? Your uniform covers your entire body.

The soldier begins to tremble.

Soldier::sniff: You're mean! You shouldn't ruin people's dreams like that!

Cloud: Why don't you take a vacation to... ah...

Disembodied voice: Gold Saucer.

Cloud: The Gold Saucer?

Soldier::sniff: I don't have enough money.

Cloud: Here. Happy birthday.

A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud gave the soldier 5000 Gil! Cloud's accuracy improved!

Soldier::sniff: T-thank you::huggle:

Cloud: S'allright... :huggled:

Cloud approaches another soldier who seems to be having trouble walking.

Cloud: Hey, it takes a while to get your sea legs. Why don't you try standing still for a while?

Red XIII: ... ...It's me. Red XIII. I'm a little woozy, but I shouldn't get caught. Humans only look at appearances anyway.

Cloud: Hey!

Red XIII: Anyway you look at it, I'd say I make a fine human being. It's pretty hard standing on two feet...

Cloud: Is that why you hate humans? Because we have no trouble walking on two feet?

Red XIII: ...maybe...

Cloud then makes his way downstairs.

Aerith: Hey, Cloud, did you see Barret? I hope he's not doing anything stupid...

Cloud: The only way he's not doing anything funny is if he's dead.

Cloud goes back up on deck and spots Barret who's dressed as a sailor.

Cloud: Popeye?

Barret: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Look, Cloud. It's Rufus and Heidegger. They're this close but we can't do a thing to 'em... Ummmmmm... Gmmmmmm...

Cloud::thinking: I can't believe I'm actually sitting by Popeye! My IDOL! Maybe I should ask for his autograph...

Barret: How can he... Goin' off laughin' like that? Didn't Rufus tell 'im to stop the horselaugh?

Cloud::thinking: I'm so excited! I have to concentrate on not peeing in my pants!

He pulls out paper and a pen.

Barret: Because of him, Biggs... Wedge... Jessie...! Gggggggh... Ggggh...! Ggggggggghhh!

Cloud: Mr. Popeye? C-can I have your autograph?

Barret: Foo! It's me! Barret!

He runs off and starts to shake, clenching his fists.

Cloud: Look, I'm sorry! It was an honest mistake!

Barret: God! I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna settle things here and now...

Cloud: I'm really sorry! DON'T HURT ME!

He's suddenly rear-ended by a twelve-year old.

Girl: CLOUD!

Cloud: If you tell me that you're Priscilla's big sister, I'm going to have to kill you.

Girl: No, silly!

Suddenly, up in the crow's nest, Crystal goes stiff.

Crystal: Angael...

Angael: What?

Crystal: Please excuse me. I just heard an oddly familiar voice...

She peers over the side of the grate and spots the girl.

Crystal: KKKKAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cloud: Aaahh! My ears!

Girl: Uh oh...

Crystal: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET ONTO THIS SHIP! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO THIS DIMENTION? GET OFFA CLOUD RIGHT NOW OR I'LL BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!

Cloud: You know Crystal?

Katie: She's my half sister.

Cloud goes pale.

Cloud: Oh... shit.

Crystal jumps down and starts to strangle Katie (think Bart and Homer).

Crystal: Answer me! Depending on what you say will determine weather or not I let you live!

Katie: I snuck into your Infispace bag...!

Crystal: KKKKAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

She releases her strangle hold on her.

Katie: I'm sorry!

Crystal turns blue and falls over.

Katie: Oops. O.O;

Cloud: Crystal? Crystal?

Katie puffs up.

Katie: Hey! Pay attention to the cute little twelve-year-old!

Angael: Katie, get back in the bag. We'll deal with you later.

Crystal: twitch Had things been different... Had we discovered her earlier, we could have left her at the Chocobo Stables, or Ft. Condor, where we'd eventually see her later! But from here on out, the only place we'll be visiting more than once is the Gold Saucer!

She starts to smack her forehead.

Crystal: And :smack: I :smack: don't :smack: trust :smack: her :smack: around :smack: rides :smack: by :smack: herself... :whine: I don't wanna baby sit her... IDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNA!

She starts to smack her head against the floor.

Katie: I'll be good! I'll just hang in your bag, and only come out every now and then! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

She flutters her eyes at Cloud.

Cloud: Gah... cuteness invading... brain... Must...re.sis...t... Aack!

Crystal: Fine! But you can only come out when I say you can! And you're not to interfere with battles, not to talk to anyone, not to let anyone know that I'm your sister, not to eat or drink inside the bag, not to leave a trail of mess wherever you go...

About an hour later...

Crystal: And finally, are not to try and remove the tracking collar I'm about to put on you.

Katie: O-kay.

Crystal: NOW LOOK, IF YOU DON'T... huh?

Katie: I said, "O-kay."

Crystal: You don't even mind sharing a room with Aerith?

Katie: Well, she won't be in it forever, right?

Crystal: Hmm... Alright. You can come with us... I'll even let you come out during battles on occasion, but only as a limit break!

A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal gained second level one limit "Here's Katie"!

Katie: Okay then! Let's go!

Crystal: One more thing!

Uncle from Jackie Chan Adventures.

Crystal: You are under no conditions to interfere with my pursuing of Vincent, capice?

Katie: F-I-N-E.

Crystal: All right, get in the bag.

She does so. Suddenly, an alarm blares.

Captain: Emergency alert! Reports of a suspicious character found! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found! I repeat. Suspicious character found on board! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found!

Barret: Damn, did they find us? Hey, that don't seem like us. Do they mean... Tifa and the others?

Crystal smacks him.

Crystal: YOU, young man, are to watch your language from now on!

Barret: Shu'up, foo!

Katie::muffled: I like that guy.

Crystal: Muffled comments are not welcome.

Katie: You never said I couldn't when we made our agreement. Ha ha...

Barret turns to Cloud.

Barret: Get off your spikey butt and let's go, Cloud!

Katie::muffled: Cloud's got a spikey butt? I wanna see!

Barret, Angael, Cloud, and Crystal run onto the main deck. Everyone else is there waiting.

Tifa: Everyone all right?

Cloud: Tifa, picture this: Pocket-size version of Crystal with amazing Cloud-clinging action!

Tifa: Huh?

Katie pops out of Crystal's backpack.

Katie: Nice to meet you all.

Crystal: GET back in there!

She ducks back inside.

Yuffie: I feel sorry for you, Crystal.

Barret: You all right?

Aerith: Huh?

Red XIII: Aerith, where did you place your brain?

Aerith: Tee hee!

Tifa: Everyone's here... right?

Barret: Hey, wait. You don't think that suspicious character is...

Everyone except Angael and Crystal: Sephiroth?

Crystal and Angael look at eachother.

Crystal and Angael: ¬.¬;

Cloud: What's wrong with you two?

Crystal: N-nothing...

Angael: Nothing at all...

Yuffie: Heh... that means there's something going on.

They both look at their feet.

Cloud: So, Sephiroth, huh...

Tifa: Really?

Barret: How the hell am I supposed to know?

Yuffie: Someone should go look.

Cloud: ...Let's find out.

Red XIII: It's the most logical thing to do. Then, who's going to go?

Cloud: Hmm... Crystal, Angael, Aerith, and me. Yuffie, you stage backup.

They climb out of their uniforms into their regular clothes. Everyone notices that Crystal and Angael are now wearing different outfits. Crystal is wearing a pair of baggy gray pants with a studded belt, a pair of white sneakers, an armguard (basically, a detached sleeve. You can see them in Avril Lavigne's music video "Complicated"), a white midriff top, an olive green army vest, a camo headband, and her hairs in a very messy ponytail. Angael is wearing a pair of baggy orange pants with black tennis shoes, a rather menacing looking glove, a black teeshirt, a black trenchcoat, and a messy bun. Why do I spend so much time on describing these two?

Cloud: ...Sephiroth...

Angael::gloating: Sephiroth!

Crystal::crying: Sephiroth!

Angael::squealing: Sephy-sama!

Crystal::cooing: Sephybaby...

Angael: ...what did you call him?

Crystal: The Great Sephiroth?

Angael: That's what I thought.

Cloud: ...All right, let's go!

They start their way down to the boiler room. Little Chiba puts this well: Dead or dying people are strewn all over. Cloud tries to talk to one of them.

Soldier: ...the Engine Room... a suspicious... character... No... there's no way... that... not a human... That thing's not human...

Actually, the Sephiroth you see up until you see him in Northern Crater is more of a projection of Sephiroth through his mother (same as the Clone- morphing theory of Sephiroth/Mortal World communication), so essentially, it's Sephiroth communicating through Jenova morphed to look like Sephiroth. So it's Sephiroth, but inside his mom. That's why you always fight pieces of Jenova instead of Sephiroth himself. Aren't I smart? For the sake of story continuity, we'll say that it's actually Sephiroth… But, yes. The soldier was right. That thing isn't human. It's a space virus. (For all you playing the Final Fantasy VII drinking game, yes. A conspiracy has just been revealed. Please take a swig of your grape juice.) So anyways, down in the boiler room, they spot the captain standing in front of the furnace.

Cloud: Is it... Sephiroth?

Angael: Sephiroth would never lower himself to our lowly level by dressing as an officer to sneak on board. He'd probably hide in a crate and wait out his... com...ing...

Crystal glares at her.

Angael::sweat: ...

The captain turns around, then falls over onto the floor in a bloody heap.

Cloud: No... not Sephiroth!

Mysterious voice: ...After a long sleep... ..In that STUPID crate...

Everyone looks around to find out who, what, and where the voice is coming from.

Mysterious voice: ...the time... ...time has... come... to stretch...

The mysterious vioce groans.

Aerith: Look, Cloud!

Sephiroth emerges from where the captain stood only moments ago.

Cloud: Sephiroth! You're alive!

Sephiroth: ...Who are you?

Cloud: You don't remember me? I'm Cloud!

Sephiroth: Cloud... Hmm... they told me about you...

Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you thinking? What are you doing?

Sephiroth: ...the time... is now...

Suddenly, a lawyer appears.

Lawyer: Uh, sir? The copyright owners of Star Trek have ordered you to stop this meaningless imitation of Captain Kirk, effective as of now.

His head gets chopped off.

Sephiroth: ...all the back pain... of being in... that crate...

Cloud: What are you saying? Be more...

Sephiroth hovers above the ground, then flies into Cloud, knocking them down, then tries to fly upward, but gets caught by Angael, who begins to huggle him as the battle with Jenova-BIRTH begins.

Angael::huggle:

Sephiroth: Go mom! Go::huggled:

Jenova-BIRTH smacks Crystal with one of it's tentacles.

Crystal: Woo hoo! Limit break! MORPH SHIVA!

Katie: muffled No! Use me!

Crystal transforms into the Final Fantasy X version of Shiva.

Cloud: WOO::drool:

Shiva: Hee hee...

She raises her hand toward Jenova, spins around, and hits her with the metal rings in her hair.

9999 damage!

Jenova: WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Cloud and Aerith: O.O;

Sephiroth: Why do you think they call her Jenova-BIRTH? She's just a baby in this form. :huggled:

Jenova: BOTTLE!

Sephiroth: ¬.¬; Ah hah... :huggled:

Angael::huggle huggle:

Cloud slashes at her with his sword.

435 damage!

Jenova: BOO BOO! WAAAAAHH!

She takes Aerith by the hair and shoves her in her mouth.

Jenova: Num nums!

Aerith: ANYTHING BUT TEETHING!

Shiva: Freeze.

She freezes Jenova in an ice coffin.

7834 damage!

Cloud: Wooo! Pretty ice lady is so powerful.

Shiva speaks to him in a creamy, yet sharply cold voice.

Shiva: The good thing is that I have the ability to use any limit from any of the four levels without that level being allocated. Hee hee...

Aerith falls to the floor with a thud.

145 damage to Aerith!

She then uses her limit break, Seal Evil, which is useless against Jenova.

Immune!

Aerith: Oops! Tee hee!

Yuffie runs in for a split second and steals from Jenova-BIRTH.

Yuffie: Woo HOO! A RIBBON!

She does a little dance.

:dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance TRIP:

232 damage on Yuffie!

Angael takes the final blow. She runs up, still huggling Sephiroth with her left arm, and slashes Jenova across with her Blunt Edge.

1 damage!

After the battle, all that's left is a pulsating tentacle.

Crystal: Inspiration!

She pulls out her laptop.

Angael: No tentacle hentai!

Crystal: Aww...

She puts her laptop away.

Tifa: I've seen this somewhere... before.

Cloud bends over, and Katie pokes her head out of the bag to stare at his butt for a few minutes.

Cloud: ...Jenova. The arm of Jenova.

Crystal pulls out a pair of glasses and slips them up her nose.

Crystal: Actually, it cannot be fully labled as an "arm". If you would draw your attention to the fact that it has no jointed elbow, and no appendages of any sort...

Yuffie: So... it's a tentacle. Can I keep it as a pet?

Crystal throws her a disgusted look... and Yuffie catches it.

Aerith: Jenova... With this thing?

Crystal: Not WITH that thing... IS that thing.

Sephiroth: LEMME GO::huggled:

Angael::huggle:

Both the tentacle and Sephiroth disappear.

Cloud: So it WAS Sephiroth.

Everyone looks at Cloud like he's stupid.

Tifa: He said something about it being time for something.

Crystal: Tea, perhaps.

Angael: MORE HUGGLING!

Yuffie: A materia hunt!

Everyone looks at Yuffie.

Yuffie: What?

Cloud: ...Time...is now?

Aerith: Hmmm... I don't get it. Hey, Cloud. Can you explain it to us?

Cloud: I'll try, but don't interrupt me while I'm explaining.

He walks a few feet away, dramatically.

Cloud: Sephiroth...

Angael: SEPHIROTH!

Cloud: Don't interrupt. Sephiroth went off searching for the Promised Land, so he could become the ruler of the planet... That was 5 years ago. Then Sephiroth...

Angael: SEPHIROTH?

Cloud: Don't interrupt! Then Sephiroth came back and killed President ShinRa.

He turns.

Cloud: And then just now all of us saw Sephiroth.

He turns to Angael, who has just opened her mouth to squeal Sephiroth's name.

Cloud: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME! He was carrying Jenova with him.

Or so he thinks. Read Jenova Morphing theory above.

Cloud: ...This much I do know. He told me he wants to go to the Promised Land with his mother, Jenova. ...I guess that's about it.

A voice comes over the intercom.

Voice: Dock workers-- We will be docking in Costa del Sol in 5 minutes. Prepare for docking.

Of course, in lapsed game time, it's more like twenty seconds. Those dock workers better hurry their bitmaps up...

Aerith: Maybe we shouldn't stay in here anymore...

Everyone but Cloud leaves.

Cloud: Sephiroth... is alive... The Promised Land... Does it really exist...?

More Captain Kirk impressions. Cloud follows the rest of them out.

Woo... tense. As a notice, the characters Angael, Crystal, and Katie are all based on real people. Actually, me, my best friend, and my little sister. Scary, huh? Yes yes yes! More huggling!


	11. Walking Around in Red Rhinstone Panties

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Costa del Sol was all talk, so I had to do some more independent work. This is getting difficult!

The Dance of the Chocobos: Walking Around in Red Rhinstone Panties

Ah... sorry. I thought I'd finished the other joke, but it's not done yet. Sorry. So anyways, Sephiroth had put the bartender on "roach patrol". So the bartender is in the kitchen, and the director, the delusional man, Sephiroth, and the numbered clones are sitting at the bar, when a man with a gun for his right arm bursts in, followed by his pal, a red lion-thingy with a flame on his tail. Well, a lion with a flame on his tail is pretty rare these days, so the numbered clones, thinking this is a sign from the Over Lord Space Virus start to chant "One Winged Angel" again. Well, this is creeping the others out, so...

Woo! I gotta use the bathroom again... Be right back.

April: Hmm... When are they going to get here? I've been waiting all afternoon...

The young blond girl checks her watch. She's wearing a pair of purple shorts and a white bathing suit top (that has little white beads all over it) with a pair of white roman sandals (the one's that lace around the ankles), a white choker with a pearl hanging down, and her hair is tied back into a long braid. She checks her watch again.

April: They told me to meet them on the other side of the ocean using the spare portal...

She pauses.

April: DID THEY GO ON WITHOUT ME! THEY'RE ALWAYS FORGETTING ME!

She takes out her whip and slaps it in the air. An array of people scatter away from her.

April: They shall feel my wrath! Nyee hee hee!

April is also based on a real person (my OTHER best friend). And I bet you all thought a crème puff loony like me wouldn't have any friends. Meanwhile, about 100 feet from where she stands, the ship is pulling into the harbor. After a while, everyone steps onto the dock.

Crystal: ...where is she?

Angael: ¬.¬; I'm kinda scared. She's probably going to be mad at us again for being late...

Barret looks toward the sky.

Barret: Damn! Sure is hot here! But I sure feel better now that I can say good-bye to this sailor suit. Yo listen up! Y'all be sure to mingle like regular folks here!

Barret seems to be slipping from Ebonics to country grammar.

Aerith: Oh, too bad. I liked Barret's sailor suit. He looked so cute.

Yuffie: I'm sure a whole load of nobody thinks Popeye is cute.

Barret: ...What'ya mean "cute"?

Tifa: Right... well, uh... Barret, why don't you use that sailor suit for pajamas? Right, Cloud?

Cloud: I guess. Ahhh... You look like a bear wearing a marshmallow.

Crystal starts to laugh.

Crystal: Hey, Angael. We didn't even have to touch that one!

Angael: So true.

Barret: The hell's that supposed to mean? This happens to be the most comfortable, so shu'up!

Yuffie: That brown tattered shirt that looks to be four sizes too small is COMFORTABLE?

Red XIII: Try wearing a fur coat. ...puff...puff...

¬.¬ Red XIII shouldn't smoke.

Red XIII: Would you kindly hurry? The heat here is drying my nose.

April hands him a glass of water. No one notices.

Cloud: All right. We'll take a break here and then head off. Don't wander too far off.

Barret: I'll wander wherever I damn well want! Who made him the leader?

Tifa: I did!

Aerith: Me too!

Crystal: I vote for Cloud.

Angael: I'm not getting into this one.

April: I vote for Cloud, too.

Crystal: ...APRIL!

Angael: HORRAY! YOU'RE HERE! YOU MADE IT!

Crystal: Did the portal stay open? Can we make it home?

April: No, it broke.

Crystal: Aww...

Angael: Crystal, try making things that don't break so often.

Crystal: Well, I'm sorry that some of the parts got fried in the transaction from one dimension to another! There was no way to TEST it out of the field, so I had to rely on my instincts!

April: Which wasn't very smart.

Crystal: I hate you all.

Crystal starts to undress in front of everyone.

Tifa: INDECENT!

Yuffie covers her eyes.

Angael: CRYSTAL!

Crystal: What?

Angael: Go do that in a restroom somewhere!

Crystal: But I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath!

April: You learn from me well.

She pulls off her clothes to reveal a bathing suit much like April's, but it's red and covered in red rhinestones. She puts her clothes in her bag and pulls out a pair of rainbow sandals and some purple tinted sunglasses. When she goes to pull out her shorts, all she finds is a handful of Katie, who jumps out.

Katie: The bag is too hot.

Crystal: Fine, you can stay out here for a while.

She's wearing a blue one-piece swimsuit and a pair of white shorts.

April: O.O; What's this? What is she doing here?

Crystal: Making my life a living nightmare.

April: It can't be so bad!

Angael: You wanna bet?

April: ¬.¬;

Crystal: I'm going to the beach.

Katie: Me too.

Angael: I think I'll hit the bar.

April: I'll join you.

The four of them leave.

Red XIII: It looks like my mane got messed up. I'm going to rest somewhere cool.

Everyone else leaves the dock. After a little while, a helicopter lands on the helipad at the far end of the dock. Heidegger and Rufus approach it after getting off the boat. Two sailors start to tether it down until Rufus gets on.

Sailor: What a long boat ride that was!

Rufus: Hmmm... Good work everyone...

Heidegger: Gya, heh, heh..., ha!

O.O; Was that his attempt at normal laughter?

Heidegger: Hurry up with that!

Sailor: Yes, sir!

Heidegger and Rufus make their way to the center of the dock, but Rufus steps in a puddle of water and falls off the side into the water.

Rufus: ACK! This outfit is dry-clean only!

Heidegger: Gya, heh, heh..., ha!

Rufus climbs out of the water, makes his way to Heidegger, his outfit visibly shrinking, and slaps Heidegger squarely on the cheek. His hand is engulfed by flab momentarily as Heideggers five chins wiggle.

Rufus: Yuck...

He starts to pull off his shirt.

April: Woo hoo::whistle:

Rufus looks around for the voice.

Rufus: Who said that?

April peaks from around the side of a crate, clutching onto a Rufus plushie. Angael is right behind her.

Angael::whispering: I thought you liked Squall.

April::whispering: I DO, but he's not here, is he?

Angael::whispering: No, I guess not...

April::whispering: Besides, Rufie has a cute toosh!

She yells in his direction.

April: HEY THERE, HOT PANTS!

Rufus: ¬.¬; Women. Sooooo unworthy. Anyways, I heard Sephiroth was on board.

Sephiroth's at his "secret" home watching "My Dog Skip".

Sephiroth::sniff tear:

Ah... back at the dock...

Heidegger: ...Yes.

Rufus turns back to Heidegger. He's still dripping wet, and Heidegger has a dent in his blubber where the President slapped him.

Rufus: And it seems Cloud and the others were on board, too.

Heidegger: ...Yes.

Rufus flips his hair back. A crowd of local girls, including April, Angael, and Crystal, sigh. Rufus rolls his eyes.

Rufus: They all slipped through... You messed up big this time, Heidegger.

Heidegger: I'm ashamed of myself.

Rufus: Is that all you can do...? Give one-word answers and apologize for everything?

Heidegger: That was four words.

Rufus: But it was an apology.

Heidegger cowers in fear. Heidegger shouldn't be afraid of a skinny little twerp like Rufus. All Heidegger would have to do to kill him is sit on him... ¬.¬;

Sailor: Ready for departure, sir!

Hmm... how come the sailors know how to work a helicopter? They must be moonlighting as the Air Force... (That's right, yet ANOTHER conspiracy revealed...) Rufus makes his way over to the helicopter.

Rufus: ...Do something. I'll be expecting results.

Crowd of girls: RUFIE-SAMA! CAN WE BE A PART OF THE RESULTS? WE'LL GO THROUGH ANYTHING TO BE WITH YOUUUUUU!

Rufus: Ladies, ladies... When I need to sleep with someone, I'll give you a call.

April, Angael, and Crystal are still behind the crates.

April: Players are always hot...

Angael: You're crazy.

Crystal: Agreed.

When the helicopter is out of sight, Heidegger starts to beat up on anyone in his warpath.

Chapter 11 is done! Ah... it's much shorter than the others, but I decided to take a break. Yeah, I'm on vacay. Please look for my new story "Dancing in the Dead Zone".


	12. Waltz de Chocobo and Hojo's Breeding Gro...

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

More Costa del Sol talk, but I can't just skip this part, so you'll have to endure this until we get to some action. And for all who ask, ì.í Yes! I've always spelled blonde with an "e" at the end! I have European writing tendencies! And once again, this is not an MST! It may follow the script, but it was not ripped off, and is entirely hand written, and is not... yah... You know the story. Nyah! This chapter is so long, it's making me dizzy... ;.; I decided to bring back the little blue text boxes with conversational choices. No apparent reason. Just because.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Waltz de Chocobo and Hojo's Breeding Grounds

Aah... that's better. So the others were getting creeped out by the chanting, which resembled Latin. Well, needless to say, it's bad for a business to have creepy little clones chanting and scaring away customers, so the director uses her PHS to call up the ICVG (the Insane Conglomeration of Villainous Gits). On the other line, a greasy monkey man picks up the phone, one hand covering the mouth of a poor "last of her species" Antique... (Nyuk! Evil word play on Ancient!). The director, who's had to deal with such things before, requests his greatest genetic splice. Well, the greasy monkey has to think about this one. What's his most diobolical genetic work yet? So he thinks for a while (breeding crosses his mind, but that would take too long), and then he figures it out!

Ah! No! Computer, don't crash on me no---

Crystal and Katie are down at the beach, when who pops up but the Bottomswell.

Crystal: I thought I smelled something funny.

Bottomswell: Well, it'th not me. I jutht took a bath yethterday.

Katie looks around, and spots a small crowd of people.

Katie: I think it's coming from over there.

Crystal goes over and peers over everyone's head (as she just happens to be the tallest girl in the entire gaming world, and is, actually, taller than a lot of guys, too, including Cloud by an inch...) and sees, surrounded by girls, Hojo himself.

Crystal: HOJO! mumble Only he could smell so bad... The slime ball...

Hojo: Yes...? Oh! Pretty Lucrecia lady! Come to me::purrr:

Crystal: Sorry, I'm Vincent's.

Hojo: How does he do it? He had Lucrecia when he was a lowly Turks, and now, thirty years and no publicity later, a Lucrecia look alike likes him AGAIN! Maybe I should have killed him.

Crystal: Or you could breed him with a...

She puffs up her chest.

Crystal: Female Sephiroth clone to create a race of super-humans! Then, you could develop a chip to implant into their brains so you can control them, along with the entire human race!

Hojo: ...nice thought, but I didn't make any female Sephiroth clones. Women are weak.

Crystal: ì.í What did you just say?

Hojo: Women are weak.

Crystal: Ò.Ó I AM NOT WEAK!

Hojo cowers.

Hojo: W-would you like to be my next experiment for a female Sephiroth clone to breed with my first ever genetic splicing experiment::smilesmilesmile:

Crystal: Give me your PHS number and I'll get back to you on it.

Crowd of girls: Hojo! We want your number too!

Hojo::smirk: Sorry, ladies, this is strictly business. Here you are...

A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal recieved "Hojo's Private PHS Number"!

Hojo: Ahh... I didn't catch what they call you...

Crystal: Crystal. Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later.

...O.O...

Crystal: Ahh... sorry. Automatic response. ; Heh...

Hojo grips his chest.

Hojo: Too... much...ex..cite.men...t... :huff huff:

He pulls Crystal onto his lap.

Hojo: I must have you! Sleep with me tonight, and we shall breed our OWN race, Crystal!

He tries to reach down her bikini bottoms.

Crystal: Hands off the red rhinestone panties.

Hojo: Aww... :mumbling: Must breed... must breed... must breed...

Katie: PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUTE TWELVE-YEAR-OLD!

Aww... the growing pains of having your big sister as the authoress... I am SO doing this on purpose.

Katie: That's it, I'm getting back in the bag. I'd rather talk to Number 12.

Crystal goes and picks up the bag and waives adieu to the Bottomswell.

Crystal: It was nice to see you again. Stay healthy, and I'll try and see you again near Gongaga, okay?

Bottomswell: It'th a date.

Crystal: No it's not!

She walks towards the pier.

Crystal: singing ...Positive people live longer. Don't be negative, just be positive. :whistle: Time to wreak some havoc.

Meanwhile, back in the town, Cloud is running around talking to people::sigh: again...

Guy near the plane: Hey! Spread out, all of you, out! Put any fingerprints, scratches, or dents in that plane and I'll put one in your head!

Cloud saunters up to it and punches it, causing a huge dent to form.

Guy near the plane: IDIOT!

He puts a dent in Cloud's head.

Guy near the plane: Da plane, da plane! That's something you'll never be able to do in your lifetime.

Cloud reaches into his pocket and discovers a lone rotten egg.

Cloud: ì.í

Aah... it looks like Crystal's and Angael's tendencies are rubbing off onto Cloud... è.é (Woo... I'm getting better at my faces...)

Guy near the plane: So you just watch from a distance... and wish. BLAARRARARRARARGGHRG!

He's pelted with the rotten egg.

Guy near the plane: YOU... DIE!

Scene music::chase: Ba da baaaaaaahh ba ba ba da ba baaaaaaahh da bah...

Cloud::as Goofy: Yaaaaa ho ho ho hoi!

The guy runs out of breath as he doesn't exercise much... just polishes the plane.

Lady near the plane: He's quite handsome, isn't he?...

Cloud: Sure is... huh?

Lady near the plane: Oh, don't worry, I'm not talking about you.

Cloud: HEY!

Lady near the plane: I'm talking about President Rufus. Charming, rich, blonde...

Crystal busts in.

Crystal: You know what, I think we're finally beginning to break the bonds of programmers! Just you wait, pretty soon, the Angael/April/Crystal gaming virus will take full effect and the written program will be abandoned all together! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA :cough: Haaaa... :squeak:

Lady near the plane::robotically: He even looks good in a double- breasted suit.

Cloud: Don't we all.

Crystal: I wore a double-breasted dress shirt like Vincent's once. They're very slimming. That's why girls don't wear them. Makes 'em look flat chested. And I LIKE my boobs!

She sticks 'em out.

Scene music::battle: won Bah bababa bah bah ba baba!

Cloud: You are one WIERD little cookie.

Crystal: Mmmm... cookie... :drool:

Sailor: Rufus complimented me on my job! Wow! I guess it pays to do good work.

Cloud: Do you think he's gonna remember you? Do you think he's gonna give you a raise? Do you think you're gonna get promoted? STAND IN LINE, YOU LOWLY GRUNT!

Sailor: Wow! You sound just like my mom!

Cloud: X.X;

Crystal: Gah! Here It comEs... I'M gOnNA... ARGH!

She falls over.

Cloud and the sailor: ¬.¬;

Aah... That's how I like MY raw insanity: still mooing. Cloud heads towards the ShinRa card shark... er... manager.

ShinRa manager: Oh, oh, oh! TOO MANY HYPERRRRZZZ!

Cloud: CONTAIN YOURSELF, MAN! SLAP!

ShinRa manager: SLAPPED! Owwwww... That's it! I'm gonna quit this company! I mean it. I'm really gonna quit!

Crystal: -.-; You sound just like Yuffers.

Cloud: Who?

Crystal: YUFFERS!

Cloud: Don't you mean Yuffie?

That only works when there's an "F" sound in the name, doesn't it? I mean, think about it. Takui's got her Sephers, we've got our Yuffers... ¬.¬; The ShinRa card... DANG IT! MANAGER! huff huff huff Ahem... runs off towards the water.

ShinRa manager: Heidegger's such an idiot!

Cloud: Can I second that?

Crystal: No.

Cloud: Oh.

ShinRa manager: And Rufus, acting all big! God, that sure felt good...

Crystal: Mr. Easy-to-Pleasey.

Ah... I think Heidegger pushed this next guy into the water...

Sailor: Damn. I'm soaking wet down to my underwear.

Crystal: Eww... underwear! Gross!

Sailor: Riight... Oops! You must be those AVALANCHE guys! Quick! Let's get outta here! Heidegger's in charge of the transport ship. That's tough for both of us.

Cloud: Ô.o And I bet you think we can't handle him, right?

Sailor: Trust me, man. Your sword would bounce right back into your face.

Cloud: ... ...ouch?

Meanwhile, back at the bar.

April::slurred: Hey... Angael... you still drinkin'?

Angael: ¬.¬ Oh, get off it. We've been drinking Shirley Temples.

April::slurred: Oh? Who shaish?

Angael's eyes hit the near empty bottle of rum in her hand.

Angael: GIMME THAT!

She grabs the bottle away from her.

Angael: You're not old enough to drink!

April: In Japan I am.

Angael: We're not in Japan.

April: In Germany I am.

Angael: We're not in Germany.

April: In Crystal's brain I am.

Angael: We're not in... oh wait. Yes we are.

She hands the bottle back to her.

April::as Jack Sparrow: But… why is the rum gone…?

Meanwhile, Cloud has busted into the ShinRa villa.

Crystal: Aah... Cloud's Villa...

Cloud: No... I don't OWN a villa. SOLDIER soldiers aren't paid THAT much.

Crystal: JUST YOU WAIT!

Cloud: Y-you're scaring me...

He talks to the guy lying on the bed.

Sleepy dude: What a fluffy bed... feels so great...

They head to the basement.

Manager: ...SNORE...SNORE...

Crystal: Geez... he doesn't have to yell...

Manager: Geez my lower back's killing me! Y, yes...sir! How do you do! I'm the Manager. Nice to meet you.

Cloud: Are you feeling alright? You're babbling.

Manager: Yes, I'm quite fine. Well, if you'll pardon me, I'll be leaving. Good-night. Oh, those items are free, so please help yourself.

The Manager doesn't move. After about 5 minutes, Cloud prods him.

Manager: Huh?

Cloud: You said you were leaving.

Manager: Oh. Good-night.

Cloud: Wait! You're supposed to leave...::sigh:

He finds a random person to speak to.

Random person: Say, aren't you bored?

A little blue text box appears with two choices. Crystal pushes the second choice. When the box disappears, she keeps pushing... ah... Cloud's nose, giving him this pug look.

Cloud: WILL YOU QUIT!

Random person: ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Cloud: Yeah, we fight a lot.

Random person: Isn't that good? You're just expecting too much.

Cloud: Like EXP, materia growth, items, gil...

Tourist guide: Here you are!

Cloud: Hey! How ya... bee..n...? Do I know you?

Tourist guide: The Costa del Sol tourist information guide.

Cloud: That's a lot of words for "escort".

Tourist guide: I know. What do you want to know?

A little blue text box appears with three choices. The same thing as before happens, only she's poking him in the eye.

Cloud::monotone: Ow.

Tourist guide: How may I help you?

Cloud pushes Crystal away from him.

Cloud: Ah... Show me around town.

Tourist guide: Wait a minute. I'm going to look for my guidebook. It says, Costa del Sol is the gateway to the west.

Cloud::whispering: She lives in the place and she still has to look it up... That's sad.

Tourist guide: And has a prominent world-renowned resort, which has been around for ages.

Crystal: Where! This place is only three scenes big!

Tourist guide: Scene?

Cloud: Just ignore her. She thinks this is an RPG.

Tourist guide: That loopy, huh?

Cloud: Seriously.

Denial for the rich, denial for the poor, for the good, and for the bad. Denial is a healthy sign that you're still breathing. DON'T BE NEGATIVE! JUST BE POSITIVE!

Tourist guide. Come on! I don't care about that.

Cloud: You make as much sense as she does.

He thumbs towards Crystal, who's chewing on a nearby sign and taking notes.

Crystal::writing: As of late, I have yet to taste any bitmaps that even remotely resemble the flavor of life. Sad... Truely sad... The sign tastes like... wood. Hmm... interesting. Perhaps this is a byproduct of one's imagination... A trick of the brain. From the outside, via video game, the world looks like VERY poor graphics... But once entered, it looks alike to the normal everyday world of you and I... Hmm... Flavor of life...

Tourist guide: If you want a good time, come to the beach! There are lots of beautiful women.

Yeah... all taken by Hojo.

Tourist guide: You wouldn't happen to be... rich?

Another little blue text box appears with choices. Crystal automatically pokes the first choice, then continues writing.

Crystal::writing: However, there are noticeably large discrepancies between the real world and the world of Final Fantasy VII... For example, text boxes, conversation choices, key items, infinite space for items (a problem that has been resolved in Final Fantasy X), battle sequences, screen music, and the ever-present "Programmer's Script."...

Cloud: Oh yeah...

Tourist guide: You're kidding! You can't tell just by looking.

Cloud: ì.í

Tourist guide: But I'll tell you just in case. After relaxing in Costa del Sol...

Katie pops out of Crystal's bag momentarily.

Katie: Which we'd BETTER not be doing for much longer...

Tourist guide: ...stop by the Gold Saucer. It's a rich and exciting place to play.

Crystal: Rich of course meaning it's not... Exciting of course meaning... it's not. Endorsements are fun to mess with.

Tourist guide: Head south to the Gold Saucer, and you'll find casinos and an amusement park.

Crystal: Casino's meaning Chocobo Racing and a moogle game, and amusement park meaning ONE roller coaster and a gondola ride.

Tourist guide: But if you're planning to walk, you'll have to cross the mountains and valleys.

Katie::sniggering: Slums and deserts...

Tourist guide: I wouldn't recommend it. But if you're on a vacation, you should go there at least once.

Come to think of it, why do you have to go to the Gold Saucer? Can't you just skip it and leave Barret behind? But then that would make Cait Sith an optional character, and there wouldn't be that whole Black Materia thing, because Cait Sith wouldn't be able to give his life to get it, and then Sephiroth wouldn't have gotten it, and Aerith wouldn't have died... DANG IT, BARRET! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Ah... anyways, Cloud makes his way to the bar, where April and Angael are sitting on top of a table singing songs. They're still VERY drunk.

April::singing: Why'd you have to go and make me feel so CONSTIPATED!

Angael::singing: I see the way you're actin' like you're Sephy's grandma gets me so frustrated!

April and Angael: Achoo!

Mukki: We're all headin' over to the Gold Saucer now. We're gonna make a ton of money at the Chocobo races. Then we're gonna take a trip to Icicle Inn and snowboard.

Cloud: Break a leg.

Mukki: Thanks, bubby::huggle:

Cloud: GAH! No, really! Break your leg::huggled: Ah... Mukki! I can't... bre..a.the... :gasp:

Mukki's minion: Yeah, snowboarding's what's happening this year. I'm sick of surfing.

Cloud wiggles out of Mukki's strangle hold and walks towards the bar.

Hula girl: You want drink? Iz ok. You take time.

Red XIII saunters in.

Red XIII::huff puff: I can't stand hot places...

Katie: Then you should take off that fur coat!

Screen music: Da dum chhhhh!

Red XIII: You are a wastrel.

Crystal: OH! HE SAID WASTREL! Cuuuuute... :huggle:

Red XIII: Meow::purr: ... :huggled:

Cloud: How are you two doing?

April: ...HIC... Mm? Wanna order?

That's right. I gave them some of the original "Programmer's Script" lines. I'm so good...

Angael: We're outta that now. Please stop by later for a free sample of hair cement...

April and Angael fall over.

Crystal: …uh… guys? O.O;

Cloud returns to Mukki.

Cloud: I think you're safer than they are.

Mukki: I really like this town. You could walk around nearly naked, and no one'd look twice at you.

A fishmonger runs by and plows into Cloud. The guy's a loon. He shoves a guppy up Cloud's nose. I'm gonna see that one in my dreams...

Fishmonger: Hey! I thought you'd drop by.

He starts to count Cloud's spikes.

Fishmonger: That's 1, 2... 4 fishes all together... not bad.

Cloud runs away to a dark corner, where a man with a trench coat is waiting.

Weird guy: Hey... psst! Buddy!

Cloud: I DON'T WANT ANY DRUGS! GET AWAY FROM ME!

The weird guy opens his trench coat to reveal a bunch of weapons and armor.

Cloud: Oh.

Weird guy: Come on... please. If you don't buy from me... I can't make ends meet.

Cloud upgrades his weapons.

A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal received "Sonic Arrows"! Another little blue text box appears that says: Angael received "Jagged Edge"! Yet another little blue text box appears that says: April received "Steel Darts"! One more little blue text box appears that says: Katie received "Tiger Claw"!

Katie: Mrowr! Ffft!

Crystal: Heel!

They all leave the bar and see two ladies standing outside. They try to stop themselves, but they can't help but listen in on their conversation.

Ms. Venezuela: Shall we play our hand around here?

Ms. Panama: Not yet. Remember, no compromises.

Ms. Venezuela: You're right. After all, this trip was expensive.

Ms. Panama: But only your average Joes are trying to pick us up.

Crystal: Where there's Joe, there's Teioh! TEIOH! WHERE ARE YOUUUUU!

Remember, Teioh is Joe's chocobo. He's the weird Spanish Zorro dude. Right? Right?

Ms. Venezuela: Well, that's because we're just too beautiful and hard to approach.

Ms. Panama: I guess so. Well, I envy the plain Janes.

April walks by, showing off her big boobs.

Ms. Panama: Woah...

Ms. Venezuela: Why don't we compromise? We'll make do with what we have.

A little kid comes over and tugs on Cloud's pants.

Kid: I heard. That big dog talks like a human. That's cool... but it's weird.

They all look over to Red XIII, who's sitting in the shade, swishing his tail around. He seems to be playing ball the kid and another child.

Red XIII: Hm, that's interesting. It's not as if I'm doing this because I want to. You see, this tail of mine, moves quite independently of my will.

April: So you're like Eyore.

Red XIII: I... suppose.

April: Hey, your tail's on fire. Why doesn't the ball melt?

Red XIII: I'm not sure.

April: Ah! I know what you are now! You're a Eyormander!

Angael and Crystal: ¬.¬;

The other kid runs up behind him with the ball.

Child: 1, 2, 3, here we go!

She tosses the ball to him. When it's on it's way back to the other kid, Cloud runs up to it and kicks it hard right into Red XIII, who immediately gets up and starts to chase Cloud.

Scene music::chase: Ba da baaaaaaahh ba ba ba da ba baaaaaaahh da bah...

They disappear onto the beach. Meanwhile, Tifa is off shopping. She's speaking to Butch.

Butch: Yeah, I'd like to hire a gorgeous chick and have a great time... :wink wink: How much you asking?

Tifa: I am NOT a two cent whore!

I figure a gil is about as much as a quarter, so there has to be cents, right? RIGHT?

Aerith: Yes you are!

Tifa: Bitch!

Aerith: Wench!

Tifa: Scrub!

Aerith: Hooker!

Tifa: Stuck up prep!

Aerith: Carpet licker!

Tifa turns green and holds her stomach.

Aerith: Ah... sorry. I didn't mean that.

Yuffie heads towards a shop to do some purchasing.

Clerk: How about a "Soft" as a momento of this wonderful trip? Made especially in Costa del Sol!

Yuffie: That boat ride was ANYTHING but wonderful... I'm still feeling rather ill...

She turns green, too.

Clerk: Here! An antidote on the house! Just don't barf on the merchandise!

Meanwhile, Cloud's found Johnny's house.

Johnny: What's with YOU! Hey, is it... you?

Cloud: Dude, you make NO sense!

Johnny: We were in SOLDIER, and childhood friends before that. You were such a playboy.

But... Cloud wasn't really in SOLDIER... right? Ah... I'm confused... I need some Aleve...

Cloud::muttering: Nuh uh...

Johnny's eyes flash black.

Johnny: And a $#& murderer!

Cloud: Huh...? You, my friend, need some psychiatric help. And for the record... Who are YOU?

Johnny: That's right. Long time no see. SUPER SMASH NOOGIE!

Cloud: OUCH! HEY, MAN! WATCH THE HAIR!

Johnny: Do you remember me?

Cloud: I do now! You were that freaky possessed jerk!

Johnny: That's okay.

Cloud: NO IT'S NOT!

Johnny: We'll just keep on like we don't know each other. I'm starting a new life in this town.

Cloud pulls out his sword.

Cloud: ì.í I can end your old one for you.

Johnny: A lot of things happened to us. Heh, I better stop my mumbling! I sure envy you all just living outside with the sky as your ceiling.

Cloud: The rain as our shower, the sun as our towel, the dirt as our mattress, the rocks as our pillows, ì.í THE BUGS AS OUR BREAKFAST...!

Disembodied voice: Calm down! You're embarrassing me!

Cloud: Sorry...

Cloud peaks in on a lady in the shower. She smiles at him like it's no big deal. Huh... must be a prostitute.

Lady: I'm sorry about that. He's hade some big shocks lately and is pretty depressed.

Johnny: Hurry up and get out of here! I'm happy like this. So keep out of my life.

Cloud: I'm go--

He's interrupted by the lady.

Lady: FINE! Invite me in for a while, pay me my money, then throw me out like a greasy rag! We adult escorts are treated like trash, but we live a life of luxury!

When Cloud comes back out, Crystal is waiting.

Crystal: I wrote a song! Wanna hear it?

Cloud: Aah...

She pulls out a guitar and starts to play it... poorly... but at least she can sing!

Crystal::singing: I think I'll wait to sing it to Vincent... la la la...

A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal gained level two limit "Siren's Serenading"!

Crystal::singing: I'm pretty... so pretty...

Katie walks into the inn.

Barret: Uh uh! Hmmmm? Marlene! You ok?... Dad'll wear this when I go to see you.

Katie::snigger: A bear wearing a marshmallow with a gun for an arm... She'd love to see that...

As you may have guessed, Barret has taken over the bathroom and is checking himself out in the mirror. Katie knocks on the door.

Barret: Hey, yo! Someone's in here, awright?

Katie: Or something...

Barret: I heart that, foo!

Katie moves over to the counter.

Barret: You are one hot mamma...

Manager: Uggh! I feel God-awful!

Katie: Blasphemy!

Um... in reality, Katie doesn't know big words like that.

Manager: Oh! You! Weren't you the one with that big sailor?

Katie: I dunno what you're talking about. I'm with the guy with the big sailor. There's a difference. Why? Whazza matter?

Manager: Listen to this... All of a sudden, this big sailor just busts in here, and takes over the restroom. He's been in there moaning ever since. I don't know what to do...

Katie: Why don't you just tell him to get out?

Manager: Eep! And risk being squished?

Katie: Good point.

The manager looks around.

Manager: Ah... if you're checking in, would you pay his bill, too?

Katie: Look, I'm twelve. I don't get much allowance, and I'm sure my money is worthless here, unless you've ever heard of a dollar. And besides that, I sleep in a bag, so I won't be staying here. Sorry.

The manager hangs his head.

Manager: Ohhh...

Barret busts out of the bathroom.

Katie: PAY YOUR BILL!

Cloud saunters in.

Barret: Yo, Cloud! Still too early, ain't it?

Cloud: I WANT OUT OF THIS TOWN! NOW!

Meanwhile, back outside...

Crystal: Vincent...ooooooooooooooooooooh... .. :drool:

April: Crystal, can't you think of anything other than Vincent?

Crystal is taken aback.

Crystal: Minister Prozan from Zoids Chaotic Century...yummie... :drool:

April: Do you like any REAL people...?

Crystal thinks for a moment.

April: No?

Crystal: Trouble from Crazy Town...augh... :drool:

She whips out a picture.

Angael: ¬.¬;

April: ¯.¯; Yah...

A little blue text box appears that says: April gained level one limit "Big Sweatdrop"! Then, another little blue text box appears that says: April gained second level one limit "Sweatdrop Vampire"! Yet another little blue text box appears that says: April gained level two limit "Water Works"!

Angael: Wow! Three at once! That's talent!

Angael goes and talks to the tourist guide.

Angael: Hey!

Tourist guide: How may I help you?

Angael: You wouldn't happen to know what prizes they have at the Gold Saucer, would you?

Tourist guide: Actually, my ex-boyfriend gave me a Masamune Blade he'd won there. I kinda don't want it anymore. I'll sell it to you for 20 gil, though.

Angael: Sold!

Ahh... the girls have money 'cause they've been in lotsa battles. I just didn't wanna include them in the story. BOOORING! Angael gives the lady her money. Oh, and by the way, they can only learn limits by being in certain situations. Like now.

Tourist guide: Here you are.

A little blue text box appears that says: Angael gained level four limit guide "Summon Sephiroth"! Well, duh, she can't learn it yet! She has to have the rest of her limits first!

Angael: Thank you, Uyoni...

Shameless plug! April attacks Angael.

April: NO SHAMELESS PLUGS!

Bwa ha ha ha! Wait 'till you get a hold of the SHAMPOO! This chapter bored me to tears, and I'm sorry it was so evilly long. I'll probably go to jail for murder for this one JUST A JOKE! KILLING YOU WITH POOR TEXT HUMOR!. Ò.Ó I know you're out there! I can smell your corpses rotting!


	13. Sand In Your Pants

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Yeah! The last of Costa del Sol! Now we can go back to fighting bandersnatches! Oh, wait... wrong Final Fantasy... This is short. It's just the beach.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Sand In Your Pants

A Canadian computer nerd (think plumber), flips on the screen. No offence to Canadians. I love Canadians. Oh, Canada...!

Computer nerd: Here ya go... Good as new, eh?

Thank you.

Computer nerd: Don' mention it, eh?

So then the greasy geneticist figures it out! His patented Super Morphin' Power Turky Assassin Guy, or SimpTag, should do the trick! So he went to the graveyard, where there is of course the best storage for all cryogenically frozen material, and pulled out a shovel and began to dig and dig and dig and dig... Until a singing quartet passed by, wearing very snappy suits. One of them was a bald monkey, another was a flamer, another was a robotic arm with a dot on his forehead, and the last was a caffeine monger... Well, grave digging is a federal offense, and this singing quartet just happened to represent the highest authority...

Hey, I'm not telling you who the highest authority is! I'm not about to start a scandal in politics!

Cloud makes his way to the beach with Tifa and Aerith.

Aerith: Oh! Cloud!

Tifa: Look, look at that!

They spot Hojo and his crowd of beautiful ladies.

Cloud: Hm...? That girl in the bikini? Not a bad view...

Tifa rolls her eyes.

Angael: Wait for me! I wanna visit Hojo, too! HOJO! IT'S 1:30 P.M.! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SON IS!

Tifa: You'd better watch her! And while your at it, talk to the slime ball!

Break down of programmers script beginning... beep... beep... beep... Cloud makes his way over the hot sand to the lady in the bikini, only to find it's :gasp: his mother!

Scene music: Dun dun DUNNNN!

No... wait... my mistake. She's got a starfish on her head. (No, she's not really like that in the game, so stop asking me!)

Starfish lady: God! What do you want?

Gawd: I want you to talk to the man with the spiky hair!

I prefer not to mess with the wheels of religion, so I sayith not what God Himself would speakith.

Starfish lady: What is it?

Cloud: Is that Hojo?

Starfish lady::robotically: -.- Hojo. Hojo. Hojo.

Cloud: Starfish lady?

The starfish lady slaps herself to snap herself out of it. Cloud notices a number on her hand.

Cloud: "3"? Third times a charm...

Starfish lady: Reu..ni...on...

Cloud: Eek!

Starfish lady: Oh, sorry. :thinking: What's his problem?

Cloud::thinking: What's her problem?

Starfish lady: Bzzt::twitch: Yes, that's right. It's the PROFESSOR!

Scene music::battle won: Bah bababa bah bah ba baba!

The starfish lady turns to Hojo.

Starfish lady: Professor... someone's here to see you, sir.

Hojo: I'm busy doing nothing right now. Go away. I have much research to do.

The starfish lady turns back to Cloud.

Starfish lady: ...but, too bad.

ARG! TYPEY IN THE PROGRAMMERSON I CAN NOTISH! Hey, oops! What if that's how we actually spoke?

Hojo: Oh, I remember you all now. It was a foggy summer night in Midgar. The lights of the city reflected off my window. It was a Saturday. A grim, dreary day of a Saturday. There had been another case for me, just another file to put into the dusty cabinet that sat in the corner of my drab office. That's right. Another murder. Hojo, P.I., was on the job yet again.

Cloud: ó.Ô; What ARE you talking about? It was on a Monday!

Hojo: ¯.¯; Ah... yes, yes. I remember now.

Angael jumps in and starts to strangle him.

Angael: YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH HORRID THINGS TO MY LOVE!

Hojo: ó.Ô; HELP ME!

Cloud waits for a while before stepping in to help.

Cloud: ANGAEL! HEEL!

Angael sits down, throwing an occasional glare at Hojo.

Hojo: It's been a long time, Cloud.

Cloud: Hojo... have you no recollection of time? You just saw one of my associates a small time ago.

I smack Cloud for trying to sound intelligent!

Cloud: OW!#$#!(! What the #(! was that?

Hojo: What, this? Sometimes you just gotta do something like this.

I smack Hojo for trying to sound unintelligent! Hojo starts to flail around trying to catch whatever smacked him. He calms down after a moment.

Cloud: ...What are you doing?

Hojo: It should be obvious. I'm getting a tan.

Cloud: Well, it's not. Men like you can't tan. You only burn.

Hojo::whimper: You are soooo mean!

Cloud: What are you doing outside of ShinRa? ANSWER ME, LEST I GOUGE THINE EYES OUT WITH YON RUSTY BLADE!

Hojo: Hmm! I believe we're both after the same goal.

Cloud: ì.í Miami Dolphins vs. Chicago Bulls.

Hojo: Two different games, bozo.

Cloud: You mean Sephiroth?

Hojo: Why would I call you Sephiroth? More like Shirley.

Cloud: No, I mean you're after Sephiroth?

Angael: I AM!

She starts to huggle a Sephy plushie.

:huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle:

The Sephy plushie turns blue and runs away.

Hojo: Did you see him? I see... Ha! Ha!

Angael: What kind of an evil scientist gloat is that?

Hojo: A better one than you can do.

Angael::ahem: BWA HAA HAA HAAAAA!

Hojo: That's an evil girl laugh. You have to be an evil scientist to do an evil scientist laugh.

Hojo stands up.

Cloud: What is it?

Hojo: Butt cramp. I just remembered a certain photosynthesis...

Angael: You mean "hypothesis".

Hojo: All these thesis's... So little time... Cloud, haven't you ever had the feeling something is calling you?

Cloud: Well, I've got my PHS set to vibrate, but it feels too good to answer...

...O.O;... ... O...kay...

Hojo: Or that you had to visit some place?...

Mah, mah, mah, my sharona! ¬.¬;

Cloud: I'll go anywhere Sephiroth is at!

Angael::perky: Sephiroth?

Cloud: To beat him and put an end to all this!

Angael: I won't let you hurt him!

Cloud: Just who's side are you on?

Angael: I'm with Crystal.

Cloud: What's that supposed to mean?

Angael: Compromise.

Meanwhile, in the town square...

Tifa: You can't have Cloud!

Aerith: I can so! YOU can't have him!

Crystal: How about this... Neither of you can have him. We'll give him to Yuffie!

Aerith and Tifa look at Yuffie with murderous glints in their eyes. Back down on the beach, Hojo is teasing Cloud.

Hojo: I see... This could be interesting.

Starfish lady: Should I get your scientific journal, sir?

Hojo: Yes. And an iced cappuccino.

He turns back to Cloud.

Hojo: Were you in SOLDIER? ...Heh heh heh!

Angael: That's a MUCH better gloat.

Hojo ignores her.

Hojo: Would you like to be my guinea pig?

Crowd of ladies: We will! We will!

Hojo: SHUT UP!

Cloud goes to draw his sword, but when he grasps it by the handle to pull, it gets stuck, and he ends up throwing himself onto Hojo.

Hojo: That was... pathetic.

Cloud: Even heroes have their days!

Tifa and Aerith walk over.

Tifa: Don't kill him. He's not worth the effort.

Hojo: Ha! Ha! Ha!...

Angael: And we're back to square one...

Hojo pushes Cloud off his lap and stands.

Hojo: Say, aren't you the "Antique"?

Aerith: Ancient.

Hojo: Yes, Ancient.

Aerith: Actually, Cetra.

Hojo: I DON'T CARE!

Aerith: I'm Aerith.

Hojo: Don't care.

Aerith: The least you can do is remember my name.

Hojo: Don't care to do so.

Aerith: I want you to tell me something, Professor Hojo...

Hojo: Sorry. I don't do personal favors.

Aerith: I know I'm an Ancient.

Hojo: SMART Ancient.

Aerith: My mother told me.

Hojo: Your mother? Oh, you mean Ifalna. How is she?

Aerith: You didn't know? She died.

Hojo looks away and starts to laugh.

Hojo: ...I see... Well, sorry. That one was probably my fault, too.

Aerith: Professor Hojo...

Hojo: Mojo Hojo.

Aerith: Is Jenova an Ancient?

Hojo: Don't know. Don't care.

Aerith: Is Sephiroth an Ancient?

Hojo: Don't know. Don't care.

Aerith: Do we all have the same blood?

Hojo: Depends. What's your type?

Aerith: BE SERIOUS HERE::SMACK:

Hojo: SMACKED...oooww... :sniff:

Aerith: ANSWER ME!

Hojo: ...mumble...mumble... head west...

Aerith: He's mumbling slowly... That must mean he's hiding something!

Tifa: A Peace Maker!

That's one of Vincent's guns.

Cloud: His lab notes!

Angael: His diseased body!

He sits back down.

Cloud: Yo!

Hojo: ...

Aerith: Helloooooo...

Tifa: Hey! Answer us!

Angael: Are you dead?

Hojo: ...

Cloud: ...It's no use. It's no go. I think his brain's gotten too much UV rays.

Starfish lady: He never takes off his lab coat even in the heat. I guess that's the mark of an intellectual.

Angael: Or a total idiot. Look at those huge sweat marks under his arms!

Tifa: Gross!

Aerith: How does he expect to get a tan with all those layers?

Hojo groupie: I'd be happy to be a guinea pig, if it's for Professor Hojo!

Angael: We know. We know.

Cloud wanders down into the water.

Swimming guy: Yipes! Help::huff huff:

Cloud: Can you swim?

Swimming guy: Kind of takes your breath away, don't it?

Cloud: Drowning? Sure does.

Meanwhile, Angael is talking to a lady laying in the sun.

Hoochie mama: If you're headed for Mt. Corel, then you'd better buy some "soft".

Angael: But you don't reach monsters with that ability until you get to Gongaga. Besides, I already have some lotion, thanks.

Hoochie mama: At least that's what they always say, don't they? "Be prepared, and you'll never fear."

Angael: How do you prepare for... :dramatic pause: BUGS!

Hoochie mama: Buy a very large mallet. Hey, I'm no idiot. I NEVER count my chickens before they hatch! Pretty good, huh?

Angael: Yeah, that's a good piece of advice, even though it has generally NOTHING to do with buying a "soft".

Somewhere along the shore, Cloud is still talking to the swimming man when none other than the Bottomswell pops up.

Swimming man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

He begins to drown. The Bottomswell grabs him and tosses him to shore.

Swimming man::huff huff huff:

Cloud: What do you want?

Bottomswell: I want you to give thomething to your brunette friend.

Cloud: Which one?

If you hadn't noticed, all the main females in the game are brunettes. I'm a brunette. I think it's one of the reasons I like the game so much. The main girl isn't blonde. EAT THAT, MISS POPULAR BLONDE CHICK! We brunettes are making a comeback!

Bottomswell: The one with brown eyeth.

Ò.Ó For your information, Tifa has RED eyes. So that means Vincent's eyes are perfectly natural.

Cloud: Oh... What is it?

Bottomswell: A thing. Jutht give it to her.

The Bottomswell hands him a box. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud recieved "Salt Water Taffy"!

Cloud: ¬.¬ Figures.

Sephiroth walks by wearing his swimming trunks. Millions of otaku faint! Ahh... including me.

Okay, I'm better now.

Cloud: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: WHAT?

Cloud draws his sword.

Cloud: Fight me!

Sephiroth: Leave me alone. I'm on vacation.

Cloud: YOUR DEATH DOES NOT GO ON VACATION!

Sephiroth: My death may not, but I do, so go away.

Cloud: Grr...

Angael: SEPHERS!

Sephiroth: Gah? NO!

Hey, have you ever seen a guy run like he's got a stick up his butt? Like Forest Gump? Let's say that's what Sephiroth runs like. Like Cid! YEAH! So Sephiroth starts to scramble around the beach like a Cid Clone running away from Angael!

:scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run TRIP:

8.8 Sephiroth's shorts fell down!

... :drool:

Angael: ... :drool:

So, after much prying and scraping, where Sephiroth took a moment to pull up his shorts, only to find sand in them, which is uncomfortable for girls enough, so it must be torture for guys, Sephiroth managed to pry Angael from her death lock on his neck and proceeded to run like a bat out of hell away from Costa del Sol. About 15 minutes later, the group is FINALLY making their way out of the town.

YEAH! The end of Costa del Sol has finally arrived! Those were the most boring three chapters I ever thought to deal with! Thank you for your patience. Action is coming up next.


	14. Brandishing Bars of Soap!

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Brandishing Bars of Soap!

So this singing quartet just happened to represent the highest athority, which, as afore mentioned, shall not be named, took the greasy geneticist to their hideout, which happened to be a secret room under the secret room of a bar! Well, this bar just happened to be the one where the freaky clones were, and when the singing quartet got there, the atmospher was quite...

Bzzt!

As we all well know, the expanse of land between Costa del Sol and the Mt. Corel reactor is quite expansive... So in the expense of boredom of this expansive journey on this expanded plane... we see an eccentric expanse of expense expended here! Currently, the whole group is traveling across a field surrounded by forest, and Crystal has even let Katie out of her bag for a little exercise.

Katie: Woof!

Good Katie. Here's a human treat. At the moment, she has decided to sing a little song, but she can't sing as well as Crystal, and the song is hardly little. And if you don't know this one, you're a big baka.

Katie::singing: This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end...

Everyone else: SHUT UP!

Katie: I can't stop singing it, cause it's the song that doesn't end::singing: Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now they just keep singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end...

Crystal runs over and clotheslines her.

Katie: Gwak!

No, this isn't child abuse. Sibling rivalry. It's normal.

Crystal: You shall never speak again!

They both begin to brawl upon the ground. From elsewhere, Tasuki (From Fushigi Yuugi) and Vegeta (from DragonBall Z) smell the scent of battle, and come running from their respective realms, which I also do not own, thank you, although I would LOVE to own Hotohori and Goku-san... :drool: Ah, so they run into the battle, and generally don't care who they fight, until a few minutes later, they come out of the fight only slightly messed up. However, Crystal and Katie are now a bloody mess upon the earth.

Everyone else: O.O;

Tasuki: Well, that was boring.

Vegeta: Very much. You don't look too worse for wear, though.

Tasuki: Well, that battle wasn't much of a challenge.

Vegeta: Oh, you wanna be roughed up?

Tasuki: BRING IT ON, VEGETABLE BOY!

Vegeta: YOU STUPID FLAMER!

They begin to brawl. The others are smart enough to know not to join in.

Tasuki: Rekka shinen!

Vegeta: WEAK!

The others watch for a while, then end up getting bored, 'cause the two of them are generally equally matched. They walk away from the fight.

Crystal::limping: Hey, can I get a little help here?

Cloud: Oh, okay.

Katie: ME FIRST!

Cloud: WHATEVER!

Cloud hands them each a potion. As you know, he doesn't have all the items, but Crystal and Angael, and their twin Infispace bags carry at least one of everything! Wanna know why they don't just pass out their ultimate weapons and such now? BECAUSE IT'S A PLOTHOLE! BWA HA HA HA!

Crystal::bleeding: A potion? Augh!

She reaches into her bag and pulls out an elixir. She uses it on herself.

Crystal: Much better.

Katie: How about me?

Crystal hands her two items.

Crystal: You're in worse condition than I am. You'll need two.

Katie, who isn't well seasoned in RPGing, doesn't know that one elixir is enough for anyone, so she uses both items, one of which is an elixir, the other of which is a silence bomb.

Katie: ...

Crystal: MWA HA HA HA!

Katie: ...!

Crystal: Don't say that. It's Vincent's line.

Katie: ...?

Crystal: Of course I do!

Everyone else just shakes their heads.

Tifa::sniff: What's that smell?

Everyone looks around, when their eyes land on Cloud. His hair is shiny with oil, his face is covered in grease, his hands are covered in grime, his fingernails are lined with dirt, and there's large sweat marks under his arms and on his back. Barret is in similar condition.

Aerith: Dear Holy... Bleh!

Yuffie: I've never smelt such... yuck!

Red XIII: With my advanced sense of smell, I'm on the verge of gagging.

Barret: What? I don't smell nothin'!

Angael: You and Cloud need a bath!

Cloud and Barret: NO! NOT A BATH!

Cloud: A curse upon your household!

Barret: May death fall on yo heads!

Crystal: You guys ARE a curse on our households!

Katie: And if we have to smell you much longer, we WILL be dead!

Angael looks around and points to a small forest where she can hear trickling water. Ah ha! A hot spring!

Angael: There! Grab 'em, girls!

Crystal: DOGPILE!

Crystal and Aerith leap on Cloud, while Angael, Tifa, Yuffie, Katie, and Red XIII all try to take down Barret. When they are properly knocked out, they proceed to drag them towards the hot springs. Warning! Temporary crossover alert! They all get to the hot springs.

Cloud: I don't want a bath! No one carries my favorite soap!

Crystal starts pulling soap out of her bag. They're all Final Fantasy VII brand.

Crystal: Jenova Gel?

Cloud: No.

Angael: Sephy Suds?

Cloud: NO!

Katie: Mako Massage?

Cloud: No.

Crystal: Lucrecia Lather?

Cloud: Nope.

Angael: Creme de la Hojo?

Cloud: Uh uh.

Katie: ì.í I know. Materia Mousse.

Crystal: That's hair stuff.

Katie: It could be used as soap!

Crystal: You're weird. How about ShinRa Shine?

Cloud: Close.

Angael: IT'S SOLDIER SOAP!

She pulls it out of her bag.

Cloud: You can't get this stuff unless you're in SOLDIER! How did you get it?

Angael: I stole it from Sephiroth's pocket.

Meanwhile, about a mile ahead of them, at another hot springs...

Sephiroth: ...

He's searching through his pockets.

Sephiroth: I know I put it here somewhere...

Back at the other hot springs, Cloud is stripping into his boxers.

Katie, Tifa, and Aerith::drool:

They all notice a large group of familiar looking people on the other side of the hot springs.

Kefka: Vwee hee hee hee!

Locke: Oh, shut up!

Kefka: I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you!

Locke: ¬.¬; Whatever.

Terra: LOCKE! KISS ME!

Celes: LOCKE! KISS ME!

Edgar: LOCKE! KISS ME!

Everyone looks at him strangely.

Edgar: Well I don't seem to be having any luck with the ladies, do I?

Sabin::tear: Brother!

Edgar::tear: Brother!

They embrace.

Sabin::tear: You'll always be the best, Edgar!

Edgar::tear: Never as great as you!

Gau: Why silly men leaking?

Relm: Let me paint your picture!

Cyan: This is demeaning.

Shadow: ...try being a ninja for rent.

Wrexsoul: Ah... I'm dead.

Ghestal: Me too.

Cyan's wife: As am I.

Cyan's son: And me.

Cyan: Bunny!

Cyan's wife: Cyan!

Cyan's son: Daddy!

Cyan: Joe!

Cyan's son: Mommy!

Cyan's wife: Joe!

Cyan: Cyan!

Cyan's wife: Bunny!

Cyan's son: Joe!

They embrace.

Setzer: Everyone!

He opens his arms for a hug. Everyone ignores him.

Angael: SEPHIROTH!

She glomps Setzer.

Setzer: NOOOOO!

Crystal: NOOOOOOOO! I'VE LONG SINCE CLAIMED SETZER AS MY OWN! RELEASE HIM!

Angael: O.O

She drops him. Crystal runs up and huggles Setzer.

Crystal: I'm Crystal. Bishonen no Miko, or Priestess of Handsome Anime Men.

Setzer: Crystal!

Crystal: Setzer!

They embrace.

Angael: Sephiroth!

Setzer and Crystal: O.O;

Setzer and Crystal huggle eachother.

:huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle:

Narrator!

The narrator huggles himself. Backup narrator!

The backup narrator huggles himself. Backup's backup!

The backup's backup huggles himself. Backup's backup's backup!

Feel the love.

Ah... that's it for chapter 14. I wanted to do something totally out of line, so I did. I was trying to make up for the horrible extension of the Costa del Sol scenes. I hope this did the trick.

The authoress huggles the reader.


	15. Sephers, the Stand Up Comedian

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Sephers, the Stand Up Comedian

The Canadian computer nerd flips on the screen again.

Computer nerd: Ya should watch what ya doing more, eh? Ya need to stop droolin' on the keyboard, eh, or the circuits'll freak out again, eh? What were ya doin' that required so much slobber, eh?

I was... uh... looking at dirty pictures of Vincent. What's it to you?

Computer nerd: Well, you should cut down on the pictures, eh? Yar computer's takin' quite a beatin', eh?

Okay. I'll see what I can do about that.

Computer nerd: Be more careful, eh?

Anyways, when the singing quartet got there, the atmosphere was quite tense. The clones had formed a revolt against the Great Sephiroth and had decided to join the Great Nanaki instead, but were still chanting over and over again, the bartender was screaming something about Mediterranean Hissing Cockroaches from somewhere in the kitchen, and the director, the delusional mercenary, and the man with a gun arm were all running around screaming about the end of the world.

Cloud::magic: Silence!

... :thinking: Somebody get me an echo screen!

The group has currently reached the foothills of Mt. Corel.

Katie: Can we take a break? My feet hurt!

Crystal: You're in my bag! You're not walking!

Katie: Nyah! ¦ þ

Hey, I should publish my geek speak…

Cloud: Let's move on. There's a reactor up ahead that we can stay at. It should be safer. And we'll split up from here. Barret, Red, and Yuffie can go another way. We don't want to look too conspicuous.

Angael: Radiation poisoning and mutated monsters is soooo much more dangerous than having to deal with these STUPID SQUIRRELS!

She kicks a mutated, three headed, sixteen eyed, purple furred squirrel away from her foot.

Squirrel: SQUIRRELEY WRATH!

Cloud: Do you really want to stay here?

Katie: Yeah...

Cloud: Are you sure?

Crystal: Yup.

Cloud: Positive?

April: Not positive. Only fools are positive.

If someone can tell me what movie that line is from, I'll give them a cookie.

Crystal: ...coo...kie... :drool:

Cloud: Sorry. We'll stay at the reactor.

Katie: STUPID REACTOR!

She picks up a huge boulder and chucks it in the general direction of the reactor. A large clang is heard.

Katie: THEN YOU'RE GONNA CARRY ME!

Cloud: ... noo.. I don' wanna!

Katie: Then we stay HERE!

Crystal::whispering: Hey, Katie, if we get to the reactor, you might be able to lure him into your own private room. Out here, there's only one place to be. No privacy what-so-ever...

Katie: Cloud, is it warmer in the reactor?

Cloud: I suppose...

Katie::singing: We're off to see the mutants! The wonderful mutants are odd!

And if you don't know what tune she's singing to, consider yourself fwapped.

Crystal: Hey, I'm supposed to make the wise cracks!

After much walking, and much climbing, and much moaning and griping, the group comes across a guy sitting on a rock. ...is he hatching an egg? No... wait... that's an... EWW::barf:

Funky guy: Whew! Hey! You're actually talking to me!

I can see why not many people do...

Tifa: I can see why not many people do...

Hmm... I must be a psychic.

Cloud: What do you want?

Funky guy: I just passed a guy in a black cape back there.

Cloud: That's nice. Can we go now?

Have you ever noticed that Sephy-sama's the only guy to wear all black in the whole game? Well, except for the clones and Vincent, of course... It's a dark, evil thing... I guess...

Funky guy: I just tried to tell him that it's dangerous up ahead, and he ignored me!

Angael: SEPHIROTH!

She runs up ahead.

Funky guy: WERE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

She's already gone.

Funky guy: Tell me, am I invisible?

Cloud: Sephiroth...

Funky guy: Sheesh! I guess I am...

A little while up ahead, Sephiroth is climbing over a bunch of rocks when he gets his leg caught. He looks around for a while, then tries to wiggle his ankle out. When he realizes it's as stuck as it could possibly get, he looks around again.

Sephiroth: Ah... HELP!

Angael: I'm coming, Sephy!

Sephiroth: ANYONE BUT YOU!

Angael: I'll save you!

She sets her hands on his knee.

Angael: Look deep into my eyes.

Sephiroth: I'm scared...

Angael: Just do it!

He does so.

Angael: ... :drool:

The drool drips down his leg into the cracks of the rocks and he's able to wiggle his foot loose.

Sephiroth: I'd rather be stuck than have drool all over me, thanks.

Angael: You're welcome!

Sephiroth: No, you don't get it...

Angael: Now for my payment!

Sephiroth: No! You have to get the items and then you can get paid in the mansion!

Angael: A KISS! Just one!

Sephiroth: ...no.

Angael: Whatever you say, Sephy-sama! I LOVE YOU!

Sephiroth: ê.ê Umm...

Angael: Ne...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Sephy?

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Ah...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Do I...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Um...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Do you think...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Ah... we could...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Maybe...

Sephiroth: ê.ê;

Angael: Get married?

Sephiroth: No.

Meanwhile, back with the funky guy...

Aerith: There was a black-cloaked guy here, too?

Katie: Sephers started a fad!

Crystal: It was a clone!

April: GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!

Katie: To you, candy bars are a government conspiracy.

April: Nooo... I said that was a conspiracy started by DENTISTS... duh! No one listens to me!

Tifa: Let's hurry on.

Funky guy, that's just yuck... They head on and eventually meet up with Angael, who's holding her chest and is standing beside a very wet rock.

Everyone else: O.O

Angael::sigh:

Crystal: I think it's best not to ask.

Angael::whispering: I convinced Sephy to sleep in the reactor tonight.

April::whispering: So?

Crystal::whispering: Don't you get it? She's gonna get her groove thang on!

Angael and April: ¬.¬;

Angael::whispering: Groove thang?

April::whispering: 70's alert!

Cloud: Did you guys know that whispering is rude?

Katie: CLOUD!

She glomps Cloud.

Cloud: Grah!

After a bit more climbing, they find themselves in front of a large mako reactor. It has intertwined bridges that lead far down into the earth.

Crystal: If we put a pull wagon on one of these tracks and pushed off, we'd have a wild ride down.

Everyone else: ¬.¬;

Crystal: What?

Aerith: That's so cute! Tee hee!

Crystal: é.è sigh

Cloud: Set up camp. We're staying here for the night.

Up at the top of the reactor, an ominous, well, except for his lovely silver locks (those are just cute)...

Sephiroth: I am not cute! I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad::sniff:

¬.¬; Anyways, Angael spots his shadow atop the reactor.

Angael: ì.í Oh, yeah!

Cloud: Well, I know you're excited, but don't wander off too far, or else you might get lost.

Angael: Hey, you used to be in SOLDIER. Take us on a tour?

Cloud: …? What? Why?

Angael: booming BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Cloud: Ah... okay... O.O;

While Katie, Aerith, Tifa, and April are setting up camp, Cloud takes Angael and Crystal on a tour.

Cloud: This...

He points to the reactor.

Cloud: Is the outside.

They walk inside the reactor. He motions around him.

Cloud: And this is the inside. I hope you enjoyed your tour. Have a lovely evening.

Crystal grabs Angael by the wrist.

Crystal: C'mon, Angael! I'll give you the full tour!

She points around to random things.

Crystal: This is the gyro megaddoscope, which allows any scientist to view the monster subjects inside each mako pod. Over here is the camera timer, which automatically switches the tapes that record the activity seen on the gyro megaddoscope to a fresh tape every four hours. This is the laser protection system, which protects any intruders from going in past this point. If one breaks the light line...

She does so.

Crystal: A barrage of Megaddo's will attack.

By the way, those are the things with a bull head, a bird head, a lion body, and a snake tail that you see a lot in Final Fantasy X. I'm not sure how many times you see them in Final Fantasy VII, or if they're even in there... X.X;

Angael: Oh! That's lovely!

Crystal: And now, you'll get to see a live demonstration of such a barrage!

The Megaddo's attack them.

Crystal and Angael: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

They beat up the Megaddo's one at a time. Sephiroth is watching from high up in the reactor.

Sephiroth: Heh heh heh...

Somewhere at the camp...

Cloud: I smell Sephiroth.

Tifa: Well, he did pass through here.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud: The scent is fresh!

Tifa: Well... maybe it wasn't too long ago!

Aerith: Tee hee!

Tifa: Shut up, Aerith!

Back inside the reactor...

Crystal and Angael::huff huff huff:

Angael: If you ever do that again...

Crystal: Now, if you look directly up, you will see the universal woman-magnet!

Angael and Crystal: SEPHY-SAMA! SLEEP WITH MEEEE!

Sephiroth: ¬.¬; Ur... I can't kill people under these conditions! Ah...

He yells down to them.

Sephiroth: Thank you, ladies! I just flew in from Costa del Sol, and boy, are my tentacles tired!

Scene music: Da dum chhh!

Crystal: Booooooo! è.é

Sephiroth: But speaking of tentacles, take my mother. Please!

Scene music: Da dum chhh!

Angael: Booooooo! è.é

Sephiroth: What are you, and audience or a bunch of ghosts?

Scene music: Da dum chhh!

Crystal and Angael: Booooooo! è.é

Sephiroth gets pelted with an old tomato.

Sephiroth: Hey, what do I look like? A salad?

Scene music: Da dum chhh?

Yes, I did mean to put a question mark there.

Crystal: You suck!

Angael: Totally!

Crystal::chanting: We want Vincent! We want Vincent!

Angael: Shut up, Crystal.

Sephiroth: Anyways, about my mom. She met a clone in Icicle who said that he hadn't had a bite in weeks! So you know what she did? She ate him!

Sephiroth's pelted with assorted rotten fruits.

Crystal: Go suck an egg!

She throws a rotten egg at him.

Sephiroth: BLARGH!

Crystal: That's all for this weeks show, folks! Tune in next week for more stand up comedy from people who suck eggs!

Sephiroth: That's it!

He flies down, grabs Crystal, and takes her hostage.

Angael: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yah... that's it for chapter 15. I'm thinking of going into another dream sequence next chapter. It will be for all of them this time and I'll also check in on Barret, Red XIII, and Yuffie. Oh, I'm so glad I've been captured by Sephy-sama! Now I can REALLY annoy him! They don't get me back until Nivelheim, by the way. You'll really love this.

Angael: No! We can't just leave it at that! Where is my Sephers taking my bestest friend?

Now that's none of your business.


	16. Ambrosia of the Mortal World

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Ack! I'm getting ahead of myself! I'm already writing stuff for after we get Cid in the party, and the first meeting of Vincent and Crystal... Which has lotsa huggling and monkeys with sporks! Yup, raw insanity mooing. Oh, and I decided to skip another dream sequence.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Ambrosia of the Mortal World

:thinking: I'm talking telepathically through Crystal.

Crystal: At that very moment, Hyper Ninja entered dragging a half-dead SimpTag behind her. She scowled at everyone. "I couldn't steal from him 'cause he didn't have any balls." By balls, of course, we're referring to those wonderful magic orbs. (That can be taken many ways...) :giggle blush blush blush:

:thinking: Stop it! We've gotta finish the joke!

Crystal::blushblushblush:

:thinking: Good help is so hard to find...

Cloud: SEPHIROTH TOOK CRYSTAL?

Angael::sniff: Yaa... WOE IS MEEEEEEE!

Cloud: So we don't have any more advanced items?

Angael clotheslines Cloud.

Tifa: Served him right!

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud stands back up, choking.

Cloud::gasp: We must... :cough: find her... :choke: immediatly! Onward!

They pack up camp and make their way across many many old tracks. They fall through some of them and pick up a few items along the way. They do a little falling. They do a little flying. They do a little frying!

Cloud: I'll have my egg over-easy, thanks.

Angael: We hero's have to eat, you know.

Eventually, they met up with Barret and Red XIII at a drawbridge.

Red XIII: Wha? Oh, it's you.

Barret: Hey!

He noogies Cloud.

Barret: We heard what happened! Ya shoulda been watchin' her closer, foo!

Cloud looks around.

Cloud: How do we get across?

Red XIII: There seems to be an instrument in that hut that manipulates this bridge. Perhaps it's best if we rest a moment.

Cloud: I'm taking you two with me. Angael? Tifa? Aerith? April? You guys can go by yourselves. Katie, come with us.

Katie: HORRAY!

Cloud: Better yet, Angael, you come, and Katie, you stay.

Katie: No! I WANNA GO!

Cloud and the others back track a bit, then head over the upper part of the bridge, then head over into the hut.

Cloud: OW! Sure is tight in here... Come on, Cloud, don't let it get to you. Hero of Summer... Hero of Summer...

Heh...

Cloud: Let's see... This is it.

Angael: ¬.¬; I have now lost all hope of you being able to save Crystal.

Barret: Are you SERIOUSLY gettin' nervous jus' bein' in here, yo?

Red XIII: Sad.

Cloud: ALRIGHT!

The others shut up.

Cloud: Maybe if I turn this...something should happen.

Cloud turns something in there.

Angael: Watch it! That was my chest you just grabbed and twisted! Be GENTLE!

Cloud: O.O; Oops! blush

Cloud turns the switch. When the drawbridge falls, someone screams.

Katie: THAT WAS MY FOOT! FREAKY FREAK FREAK!

What? She's not old enough to cuss!

They all leave. Cloud finds a spot to climb up the side of the mountain.

Barret: Aww... Wook at the koot babie birwds...

Everyone else: O.O;

Barret: Cuddle cuddle!

Cloud reaches for the treasure.

Angael: Cloud, your hair looks like a chocobo.

Cloud gets pecked by a Cockatrice.

Cloud: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He runs down the side of the mountain and into a dude's cave. The others follow behind a bit, the Cockatrice in close persuit.

Red XIII: I suppose this just goes to show you should never take candy from a baby...

Barret: Dey were so koot... Awww...

Cave man: Hey! How'd you ever wind up around here?

Cloud: Chased... :huff: by... :puff: mommy... :gasp: Cockatrice... :pant:

Meanwhile, at the top of the mountain, Sephiroth hands a few gil to the Cockatrice.

Sephiroth: Thanks for the help.

Cockatrice: Coo...

It runs off.

Sephiroth: Mwa ha ha ha!

Crystal: Oh, come on. I could do better evil than that.

Sephiroth: Not true. No one is more evil than I, except maybe Hojo. :shudder:

Crystal: Oh yeah?

She grabs Sephiroth around the pants and pulls as far up as he can, giving him a super-wedgie!

Sephiroth::eep: I bow to you, O Evil One...

Crystal: Bwa ha ha haa!

Sephiroth: O.O; I can't walk!

Crystal: Of course you can't::snigger:

She pulls out her PHS.

Sephiroth: What do you think you're doing?

Crystal: I'm gonna call Elena.

Sephiroth: Don't let anyone know where you are!

Crystal: I WON'T! Sheesh...

She dials. On the other line, Elena picks up.

Crystal: Hi, Elena. It's me, Crystal... Yeah. Oh, they're doing fine. ...actually, three more people have joined up. ...oh, sure. I'd let you talk to Cloud, but Sephiroth kidnapped me. ...Huh? Oh, yeah. The rumors are true. A butt like a god.

Sephiroth: Who?

Crystal: You!

Sephiroth::grin: Why, thank you::blush:

Crystal: ...what? Oh, his package? Hold on.

She turns to Sephiroth and looks at his crotch. Sephiroth blushes.

Crystal: Well, if black makes things look smaller, we'll just say it's the ambrosia of the mortal world.

A loud giggle is heard echoing from the PHS.

Crystal: Okay. I'll catch you later... Bye, Elena. Oh! Tell Rude I said hi, and pinch Reno's butt for me, will ya? ...Thanks! Bye!

She hangs up.

Sephiroth: "Ambrosia of the mortal world", huh?

Crystal: Blue mountain.

Sephiroth: Oh, yeah... grin

Back down in the cave... Hey, has anyone seen Yuffie?

Yuffie: I'm in the bag with Katie. I got bored.

Oh. I was getting a little worried.

Yuffie: Do you think Crystal would mind if I took a few of her materia? She has like a hundred of every kind already...

No... I don't mind. Why don't you inventory them? Knock yourself out.

Yuffie: YEAH!

Okay, NOW back in the cave...

Cave man: Look, I'm sorry but, I can't do a thing for you!

Cloud: You couldn't even tell me if you've seen a raging psycho running around with a silver haired mad man with a tattoo of the number one on his hand? Maybe?

Cave man: Nope. Sorry, dude. Oh boy! Corel sure has gone to pot!

Barret: Nooooo::cough choke:

Cave man: It used to be a famous mining town! They say there were more jobs than you could shake a... Well, you get the picture.

Angael::mumble: There had to be a lot of jobs if Barret kept scaring people away...

Cave man: Now, it's nothing but a miserable pit! Me, my bulldozer... everything's out of work.

April: Of course, those two things aren't everything...

Cave man: Hey! Are you dissing my shiny bulldozer?

April: Well, it's not very shiny! I can't say the same for your oily pores, though...

Cave man::sniff: I can't even show my face. 'Bout all that's left for me is to just live in this hole all day.

Red XIII: Why don't you cleanse yourself and try to get a job elsewhere?

Cave man::whine: Because I can't just abandon my shiny bulldozer!

Angael: They need some workers up in Fossil Village.

Cave man: Wherzat?

Angael: Just go very north. As in the next continent.

Cave man: But I'll have to leave my shiny bulldozer!

Everyone: ¬.¬;

At the moment, Cloud is snooping around and finds some treasure.

Cloud: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T HELP US!

Cave man: NO MONEY! LAST OF FUNDS! GIVE BACK!

Angael pinches him on the back of the neck.

Angael: Chinese Memory Release.

Cave man: Huh? Where am I? Who are you? Who am I?

Angael: Hwa ha ha ha!

Everyone else: O.O; R-right... :sweat:

They all leave, then step onto a large suspended bridge.

Cloud: Ahh... this is all too familiar...

Red XIII: Are you afraid?

Cloud::whispering: Hero of Summer... Hero of Summer...

Barret: Wazzat?

Cloud: Afraid? ¬.¬; Ah... o-of cour.se...n...ot... :sweat:

The bridge sways slightly.

Cloud: HERO OF SUMMER::shiver:

Barret, Angael, and Red XIII look at eachother, confused. Barret brushes past him, and starts to walk across. The bridge sways a bit more.

Cloud: Eep!

Angael walks across, then stops in the middle and hops a little to test it.

Angael: Feels fine to me.

Cloud: YAH!

Red XIII bounds across it, shaking it violently.

Cloud: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!

Barret::yelling: Why din't ya tell us dat you wuz afraid of heights?

Cloud::yelling: Because I'm not afraid of heights! Just rope bridges!

Angael walks back.

Angael: Here. Get in the Infispace bag with Katie and Yuffie and I'll carry you across.

Cloud::muttering: Hero of Summer... Hero of Summer...

He climbs in the bag with Yuffie and Katie, where screams of torture (coming from Cloud) can be heard. Angael, Barret, and Red XIII make their way into Corel.

Small chapter, I know. I wanted to keep it short because I've got some Barret bashing coming up, and it really does need it's own chapter. How did you like Cloud's fear of rope bridges? It's deep rooted in his first fall from Mt. Nivel. Of course followed by the second fall with Sephiroth back in SOLDIER, and, well, twice would be enough to spook me... ¬.¬; Guess what, space fans? I'm going to be making this into a comic! YEAH! I'm a better artist than I am a writer, if you can believe that... I'll make a homepage where you can see it, a comic of my other fic, Dancing in the Dead Zone, recently revised to Dancing in the Ruins, and my comic version of the FF-Span on my friend Zarla's page. But I wanna make sure people want to see the comic version, so I'll check back in three months, and if I have 15 people say they want me to do that, then I will. Happy fanfic-ing!


	17. Shameless Plugs are Falling

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Sorry, fans! I got back from my mom's house for the summer (where I wrote the rest of this), and suddenly I had no inspiration to write any more! Plus, my internet access is far more limited here! I have good news for everyone! As you may or may not know, my muse is Yojimbo from FFX (more on my profile page, which you should check out... please ;), and I've been in a slump lately. Well, when in a slump, do some meaningless purchasing, I always say. So I went out and bought the collectors edition Monsters Collection 8.5 inch Youjimbo figurine. All of a sudden, now that my muse is always by my side (and I can unsheathe his sword, which looks like and is called "Masamune" nyee hee hee...) I can write again. Cheers to Yoji-sama! Every time I get mad at my work, I wave his little swords at the computer and I feel better.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Shameless Plugs are Falling

Ah... I got an echo screen. Anyways... The SimpTag reached out and grabbed the Hyper Ninja girl around the neck and tossed her into a nearby corner. He looked around solemnly before grabbing the greasy geneticist and roughing him up a little.

AHH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!

Crystal::typing: Hello again, readers of my exclusive rant page! It's me again, signing in late, not even knowing when this is going to get to all of you! This works Tri-Tech topics: Long haired bishonen, dangerous bishonen, and what makes them so appealing!

Sephiroth: What are you writing?

Crystal: Go away.

Sephiroth: Grr...

He reaches for his Masamune, but finds that it's missing.

Sephiroth: Hey! Where'd it go?

Crystal: I downloaded it onto my computer! I'm letting it wreak havoc on the Yaoi no Miko's web page.

Sephiroth: ...what?

Crystal: Never mind. I've got work to do.

She hands him a piece of paper and a phone number.

Crystal: Here. Call this number and ask for the Lab Gawd.

Sephiroth: …?

Crystal::typing: What is it about long haired bishonen that makes them so delicious...? Is it that way that your fingers trail through their soft locks?

Sephiroth: What's this "dangerous bishonen" thing? No woman is attracted to me because I'm dangerous! Ah'm sexah!

Crystal: You'd be just another character if you didn't have the urge to destroy the world. Oh! I should write that::tappety tappety: It's like chocolate. The darker the personality, the better the taste.

Sephiroth: If that's true, than why do you like this Vincent guy?

Crystal: Because he's an assassin spy ex-Turks who has a thirst for the blood of REVENGE! BWA HA HA HAAAA! Oh, and he's angsty. Girls are attracted to angsty stuff.

Sephiroth: Whut..ever... ¬.¬ No one is sexier than I.

Crystal: Except Vincent.

Sephiroth reaches for his Masamune, but remembers it's gone.

Sephiroth::whiney: ;.; I want my Masamune!

Crystal: Oh, get over it. You keep leaving it everywhere anyways. It's like you magically get new ones. Like you left it in the reactor at Nivelheim, in the ShinRa office building, et cetera, et cetera...

Sephiroth: I think I hate you.

Crystal: Please read this slip of paper very seriously.

She hands it to him.

Sephiroth: Whazzit say? I can't read Romanji.

Crystal: "I'm going to destroy you."

Sephiroth: ì.í...omae o korusu.

Crystal: KAWAII::huggle:

Sephiroth: Not again::huggled:

OO; Ahem, so... the others... are...makin..g their w..ay to...Co..rel... ;

Crystal::smooch smooch smooch:

Sephiroth: Augh::smooched smooched smooched: Go find Vincent, or something!

Crystal: Only Cloud can wake him up. I have to direct my hormones at someone... may as well be you.

Sephiroth::squeak: Help me...

Ah... and the others...are wal.ki...n..g...

Crystal: Can I go down your pants?

Sephiroth: LIKE HELL!

Crystal: Is that a yes?

Sephiroth: HELP! HELP ME! I'M SCREAMING FOR HELP HERE! WHOMEVER SAVES ME WON'T BE ASSIMILATED! SOMEONE::pause: Anyone...::squeak: Nooooo... :tear:

Crystal::huggle:

This next line is shamelessly stolen from Acire Fox's "The Reunion Show". Yes, that was a plug.

Sephiroth: Lord...of...Dark...ness...can't...b..r..e...a...th...e.. ..! huggled

WejointheothersafterthebridgetoCorel::huff huff huff:

Angael::stiffen: I sense something...

Cloud: What?

Angael: Sephiroth hentai.

Cloud: Xþ Ewww...

Angael::tear: Crystal... c'mon! Stop it!

Back with Sephiroth...

Crystal: Touché.

She's been pinned to a wall with staples.

Sephiroth: I knew this pocket stapler would come in handy...

Crystal: Come on... lemme down! It's ruining the fabric of my clothes.

Sephiroth: I'm about to kill you and you're worried about your clothes?

Crystal: Ah made them mahself...

Sephiroth: REALLY? 'Cuz I've got this hole in my pants and I'm thinking I need a new pair...

Crystal: Well, I COULD do that for you, but...

Sephiroth: What?

Crystal: My stuff is in my Infispace bag, and that's with the others, and my little sister lives in it along with Sephy clone number 12.

Sephiroth: ... ...Sephy? oÔ

Yuffie: YAH!

Sephiroth: YAH?

Yuffie rams into Sephiroth, then runs away without saving Crystal.

Crystal: Hey! Wait!

Sephiroth: Well, that was... nor.ma..l... Right. Where was I?

Sephiroth attempts to kill Crystal, but can't seem to.

Sephiroth: Hey! Where'd my "Kill" command materia go?

Crystal::snigger:

Sephiroth: That little bitch!

Crystal: Aha ha ha ha!

Cloud and the others enter Corel just in time to see a miner run up and punch Barret.

Miner: Owww... :sniff: Damn bear...

Different miner: Well, lookey here! Never thought ah'd see your face again.

Yuffie: Country... twang... melting... br..a..i...n... Gah::face fault:

Different miner: They kick ya'll out of another town... or somethin'?

Barret: No... I came here ta laugh at you.

Katie: Um... Barret? If you were born in a mining town where the accent is a country twang... why do you speak in Ebonics?

Barret: Shu'up, foo!

Disembodied voice: Hey, Cloud! Why don't you pull out your sword?

Cloud obeys the voice in his head. He then looses control of his body and starts taking wild swings in no general direction.

Direction: No, no! Over here! OVER HERE, YOU IDIOT!

Miners: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Okay, I know a plushie can't talk, but this is what I'm gonna use when I wanted an absent character to have a line. April pulls out her Vincent plushie and Cid plushie and pulls their voice strings.

Vincent plushie: Let me at them! I'll... EAT THEM!

Cid plushie: Down, boy!

It bonks Vincent on the head.

Vincent plushie: Ow!

That was shamelessly stolen from "Monty Python and the Search For the Holy Grail: FF7 version". Hey! I'm sorry! It was screaming to be used!

Different miner: You destroy everything you touch.

Barret: No, CLOUD destroys everythin' he touches, foo.

Flashback sequence…

Dyne: Okay, Barret. While I'm gone, you baby-sit Marlene. Her food's in the fridge and her diapers are on the changing table. You know where to find the rest.

Barret: Sure.

Dyne: Oh, and Barret?

Barret: Wazzat?

Dyne: When you baby-sit, that doesn't mean you SIT on the child, okay?

End flashback sequence…

Barret: ; Heh... I'm no foo.

April: Watch the player...

Another miner: You got a lot of balls comin' back here!

Yuffie's hand moves to her mouth.

Yuffie::hurk: I didn't need to here that...

Barret: Well, that's none of your business!

Another miner: Look at this place! It's all your fault North Corel turned into a garbage heap!

April: But... in the script it says... North Corel is actually the prison under Gold Saucer!

Everyone else: ...

April: What?

Different miner: Why doncha say something? Or did ya forget what you done here already?

Barret::sigh: ...I'm sorry... but... this ain't North Corel, so I have no clue of why you're pissed off...

Another miner: $#! You ain't even worth the effort.

Crystal and Sephiroth sneak into Corel.

Different miner: Don't waste your time talkin' to the Techno-freak!

Crystal: But... Vincent's the Techno-freak!

Angael: Crystal!

Crystal: Angael!

Angael::growl: I know what you did with Sephiroth!

Crystal: Ah... see ya... la.ter...? BYE!

She grabs Sephiroth by the hand and runs towards the ropeway station.

Angael: OH NO YOU DON'T!

Angael runs after them.

Barret: Yo!

Cloud: COME BACK HERE!

They all run after her. By the time they all get there, they see Sephiroth levitating across the desert with Crystal clutching on to him for dear life. Barret is sulking in a corner.

Barret: You heard 'em... It's my fault this town was... destroyed...

April: And I thought we'd established that this isn't the real North Corel...

They leave Barret to sulk for a while. In the mean time, they go to investigate the town. Cloud goes and talks to a scary man.

Scary man: YOU know who's responsible for North Corel winding up like this!

Cloud: ...who?

Scary man: ¬.¬ You're not very bright, are you?

Cloud: Huh?

Scary man: Go! Run rampant! Be free and multiply!

Cloud: You're weird.

Scary man: Aak::face fault:

Cloud walks into a tent and talks to an old guy who's hunched over. Wow... he's thin... These scary people should eat more.

Old guy: The next train's coming in soon.

Angael: If only he knew.

Old guy: No. Really. I've seen it with my third eye. It will crash into the town. All workers please leave the docking area.

Lady: Grandpa used to be a coal train engineer. He still can't kick his old habits from then.

Red XIII: Perhaps he is psychologically frozen.

Lady: ...huh?

Red XIII: I said...

Lady: AAH! A TALKING LION! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Red XIII::growl: I'M NOT A LION!

Red XIII chases the lady out of the tent. Cloud follows and talks to a junk monger.

Junk monger: Get out of the way!

Cloud: Why? You don't seem to be doing anything important!

Angael smacks Cloud for trying to sound intelligent.

Cloud: HEY NOW!

Angael::singing: Hey now!

Cloud::singing: HEY NOW!

Angael::singing: Hey now! Iko iko...

Yuffie: SILENCE!

Cloud makes his way to the one... the only... JUNK SHOP!

Screen music: Ba baba ba ba ba ba babah!

Shop owner: Please buy something! Anything will do!

Cloud: Show me your wares.

The shop owner motions to something that looks like a, well, pile of metal.

Shop owner: Well, this lovely piece of twisted metal is a... bowling ball! Yeah! That's it!

Cloud: How much?

Shop owner: ...500 gil?

Cloud: Sold!

Shop owner: You can't have a bowling ball without a...

He pulls out a cheap grocery store plastic bag.

Shop owner: Bowling bag!

Cloud: Ooh! Aah! How much?

Shop owner: A steal at only 350 gil!

Cloud: I'll take it!

Shop owner: You can't go bowling without some...

He pulls out torn and tattered tennis shoes.

Shop owner: Bowling shoes!

Cloud: I really shouldn't...

Shop owner: Only 400 gil...

Cloud: I want them!

He pays the shop owner the money.

Shop owner: Before you go, would you be interested in a bowling glove, a bowling shirt, bowling pants, a bowling sweat band, and some...

Angael: Cloud! Get away from there!

Cloud: I WANNA SHOP!

Angael grabs Cloud by the ear and hauls him away.

Shop owner: Pretty lady! Can I interest you in a diamond necklace?

He pulls out a necklace made of white rocks.

Angael: Buzz off, buzz kill!

Cloud sneaks over to the other shop.

Scary shop guy: What do you want?

Cloud: Now is that any way to treat a paying customer? I wanna talk to management!

Scary shop guy: I am management. Listen to my story.

Cloud: Nooo... I don' wanna!

Scary shop guy: Take that road on the left to the Ropeway station!

Cloud: I don' wanna!

Scary shop guy: The Ropeway'll take you to the Gold Saucer. It don't mean much to poor folks though...

Cloud: I guess that means I won't be going.

Scary shop guy: Did you buy something from the other shop?

Cloud: Yeah...

Scary shop guy: Then you're rich.

Cloud: Oh...

April pulls out a sandwich and begins to eat, and ends up wandering over to a guy sitting by himself.

Mr. Unpopular: I hear it's a big fad now in the city to get tattoos. Is that right?

April::munch munch: I wouldn't know... :munch munch:

Mr. Unpopular: Really...? I saw a big "1" on the arm of a young guy heading towards the Ropeway. That Black Cape he had on was really cool.

April::munch munch: So, if you ask ChocoBilly, Cloud, who's 21, is old, yet if we ask you::munch munch: Sephiroth, who's 30, is young. And aren't you only supposed to capitalize proper nouns::munch munch:

Mr. Unpopular: ...what?

April: Black Cape. You capitalized Black Cape. I read it in your dialogue box. :munch munch:

Mr. Unpopular: ...

Cloud: April! Leave the poor man alone!

Cloud and Angael catch up with April. Meanwhile, somewhere in the air between Corel and Gold Saucer, Crystal is scrambling in Sephiroth's grip, trying to wiggle out towards where the others are.

Crystal: Close the plothole! Quick! Before something escapes!

Back with the others...

April: Wanna sandwich?

Cloud: Sure!

Setzer hops out of the plothole.

Setzer: Yaaay!

He pulls out some cards.

Setzer: What do you wanna play?

Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

They all run to the Ropeway Station to escape.

Everyone::huff huff huff:

Aerith: Barret, what happened?

Barret: This Sephiroth guy jumped outta a portal thingy.

Aerith: I mean here.

Barret: Oh. Sorry.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud: Huh? What happened?

Angael: Cloud! Pay attention!

Barret: My hometown used to be around here.

Red XIII: What do you mean, "used to"?

Angael is tapping her foot impatiently.

Angael: It means it was here and now it isn't. LET'S GO!

Barret: Heard it got buried... almost four years.

Angael: Which is how long we're going to be here if we don't go and kick Crystal's... I mean... Sephiroth's ass!

Aerith: But how could those people say those terrible things?

Angael: By opening their mouths and releasing breath. I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER HERE!

Barret: It's my fault. ALL my fault.

Angael: That's right. And the town would be better off if you weren't here. So LET'S GO!

The screen starts to fade to blackness.

Angael: Hey!

April: Where do people go during a flashback sequence?

Angael: We're about to find out...

Old Corel appears.

Barret: Corel was always a coal mining town. It's so dusty, but calm and so poor... a real small town, this one. That's the first time I ever heard the word "Mako reactor" mentioned since that time...

Tifa: Since what time?

Cloud: ...who's a what now?

Now the scene is in a meetinghouse. Lots of people are there, including Barret and Dyne, with Scarlet and two of her henchmen at the door. The village chief makes his way over to Dyne.

Village chief: What are we going to do? The only one against this is Dyne.

Dyne: I am definitely against it, no matter what. There's nothing to talk about if you're thinking of throwing away our coal! Our coal's been protected for generations. Our fathers, and theirs before them, risked their lives for it. We have no right to throw it all away so easily.

Angael: That was just beautiful.

Tifa: Shh! Let Barret finish!

Barret: But listen, Dyne. No one uses coal nowadays. It's a sign of the times.

April: Did Scarlet really look like that back then? How old is she now?

Red XIII: All those skin creams and treatments have locked her face in a state of perpetual youth.

Scarlet: Right, everything is Mako, now. It'll be all right, Dyne. ShinRa, Inc. will guarantee your livelihood once the Mako Reactor is completed.

Angael::like Scarlet: Unless we decide to kill you. Kya ha ha ha!

Aerith: Hush!

Barret: Listen, Dyne. I don't want my wife, Myrna, to suffer anymore.

Dyne slumps over.

Dyne: I know how you feel! I feel the same way too, damn it! But even so, I won't give away our coal mines!

Village chief: Dyne... you've got to understand. They're planning on giving us a million gil and free Mako usage for three years!

April: Wow. We weren't even here back then and we've still affected it.

Dyne looks around, then holds his head and cries. The scene starts to fade out.

Barret: That's how the Corel Reactor was built... and completed. We all thought it would bring us an easier life.

The scene fades to black, then fades in to a scene of total and utter destruction. Various people are dying... No one in particular...

Barret: It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days.

Angael: Where on EARTH would you have been? The coalmines were shut down, so going anywhere was useless.

Barret: We went camping!

Angael: Uh huh.

Barret: Anyways, Corel was burned down by the ShinRa troops. All the townspeople... All my relatives... Everyone... Everything...

Tifa: That really sucks!

Aerith: Barret...

Angael: ì.í Quit living in the past, Wallace!

Cloud: Aw... leave him alone, Angael.

April: Cloud, go back to being a dolt.

Cloud: Who's a what now?

April: That's better.

The scene fades back to the Ropeway Station.

Cloud: Seriously though. ShinRa troops? What for?

Barret: There was an explosion at the reactor. ShinRa blamed the accident on the people. Said it was done by a rebel faction.

April: The only rebel was Dyne, and he was out of town!

Barret: I know that, and you know that, but it didn't matter, because they didn't know that! Grr... Never should have gone along with the building of the reactor.

Tifa: Don't blame yourself. We were all fooled by the promises ShinRa made back then.

Tifa looks down at her breasts.

Tifa: They told me the crème would stop after I stopped using it, but they just... kept... growing.

Barret: That's why... that's why I get so pissed off!

Tifa: Barret, that's so sweet! You mourn my breasts as well!

Barret: Not that! Not only did they take advantage of me... But I lost my wife, Myrna, too...

Meanwhile, in the sky between Corel and Gold Saucer...

Crystal: Let's fly to Nivelheim!

Sephiroth: NO! MUST... KILL!

Suddenly, a rip in the dimension appears in front of them, and Sephiroth almost levitates into it.

Crystal: DAMN PLOT HOLES! If only I had my Infispace bag! WAIT!

She puts her arm into the plot hole. Meanwhile, back with the others, Katie and Yuffie are out of the bag.

Yuffie: I need coffee!

Katie: No you don't!

Yuffie's head turns 360 degrees.

Yuffie: COFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Katie: O.O;;;

Suddenly, a plot hole appears behind Katie, and arm reaches out, grabs the Infispace bag, and retracts into the hole, at which time the tear shuts up.

Katie: What is WITH this place?

Back with Sephiroth...

Crystal: Be sure to play with your plot holes. That's what they're there for.

This has been a message from the end of Chapter 17.

It's been about three months, and I'm sorry, but I had absolutely NO INSPIRATION until I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tonight. I don't know how or why, but I suddenly had a burst of creative energy. Perhaps it's because Lucius Malfoy reminded me of Sephiroth, and Professor Snape reminded me of Hojo. I could cuddle Lucius, even though he's WAY older than me, and not the cutest thing on Earth, he's the hottest guy in Harry Potter. I wonder what Mr. Padfoot is going to look like in the next movie... I've read books one through three... I'm such a nerd...


	18. Mad Spinnies in the Airness!

Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Magic 8-Ball says, "The HELL.?"

The Dance of the Chocobos: Mad Spinnies in the Airness!

So the SimpTag had grabbed the greasy monkey away from the singing quartet. Well, as these singing quartet people represented the highest authority, they simply would not take this kind of treatment. So they each picked up an assortment of harmonicas and...

THE FOLLOWING SCENES HAVE BEEN DELETED DUE TO GORY CONTENT.

Well, Sephiroth was horrified. In all his life, he'd never seen such gore. Only the SimpTag was left standing.

DUE TO LAWSUITS, SimpTag WILL NO LONGER BE USED BY THE AUTHORESS. SHE HAS DECIDED TO SUE HERSELF.

The ticket vendor yells to the group.

Ticket vendor: Hey everyone! If you want to go to the "Gold Saucer", hurry and get on! Ride the Ropeway?

Angael: Okay. A large group of fully-grown people is not going to get on a two ton Ropeway that is supported by only ONE FLIMSY WIRE!

Cloud grabs her by the back of her shirt and drags her inside.

Cloud: You need some sleep, don't you?

Angael: ...maybe.

Aerith: Tee hee! You can use my middy jacket as a pillow!

Angael: N- no! ANYTHING BUT THE ROP-AWK!

Cloud drags her onto the Ropeway.

Barret: Dyne was my best friend. We was close ever since we was kids...

Yuffie: ...huh? We're still talking about that?

Tifa: Yeah. Anyways, so Cloud just won't pick up on the hints...

Yuffie: Fascinating.

Barret: My ear!

After the Ropeway pulls into Gold Saucer station, they all get off and head towards the entrance.

Disembodied chocobo suit: Welcome to Gold Saucer!

Cloud: … :scared:

Ticket lady: Welcome to the Gold Saucer. Are you together? A single pass is 3000 gil, or you can purchase a lifetime pass for 30000 gil…Oh, wait…

She looks at them.

Ticket lady: …a guy with chocobo hair. There was a lady who bought a lifetime pass for all of you earlier.

Angael: GOOD! GIVE IT TO ME NOW::snatch:

Ticket lady: Geez…! Be a little more snatchy, thank you very much! If you have a Gold Ticket, you can come and go freely into the park… as long as you don't lose it.

:singing: I've got a golden ticket…

Ticket lady: Here at the Gold Saucer, there are many places where you must pay with GP. Just think of "GP" as money that you can only use at the Gold Saucer.

Tifa: So it's like one of those dreams where it's so realistic that you ACTUALLY think you're married to Rufus, and have all that money to spend, and then you wake up and are disappointed when you realize you're in the rat-infested slums of sector 7…

She notices everyone staring at her.

Tifa: …what?

Ticket lady: GP can only be redeemed at the games in Wonder Square and at the Chocobo Races. Your GP limit is 10000, so please be careful. Please enjoy yourselves.

Elsewhere…

Sephiroth: So how many GP is that now…?

Crystal::counting: 9999. We've gotta be careful. Only got room for one more…

Back with Cloud and the others…

Aerith: Wow! Let's have fun! Tee hee!

Everyone else: …

Red XIII: Like she hasn't a care in the world…

Angael: LIKE MY EX-BEST FRIEND ISN'T TRYING TO PUT THE MOVES ON MY SEPHERS!

April: Like she doesn't know she's gonna die at the end of this disc…

Cloud: …what?

April: …um… nothing?

Aerith: Oh, I know this isn't the right time to do this. Hey, Barret, cheer up!

Barret: I ain't in no cheery mood. So jes' leave me alone.

Aerith: Really? That's too bad…

She whispers something in his ear.

Barret: … :blushblushblush:

Aerith runs over to Cloud.

Aerith: Let's go!

Tifa runs over and grabs Aerith's shoulder.

Tifa: …whisper… whisper… :whispering: Wasn't that a little harsh, Aerith?

Aerith: …whisper… whisper… :whispering: Just act normal when this happens.

Tifa: …whisper… whisper… :whispering: You think so…?

Aerith: Of course!

Tifa: My ear! Bitch!

Aerith: Slut!

Tifa: Prostitute!

Aerith: Whore!

Tifa: Boobless witch!

Aerith: Cottage cheese factory!

Tifa: Aaaaaarrgh!

Aerith: Tee hee

She skips over towards Barret.

Aerith: We're gonna go play!

Barret::flailing: So PLAY! ...messin' round #$! Don't forget we're after Sephiroth!

Angael: Sephiroth?

Cloud: Sephiroth!

April: Rufus!

Yuffie: Materia!

Red XIII: Wastrels!

April: HUGGLE::huggle:

Red XIII: ... :huggled:

Angael: How could ANYONE forget to chase Sephiroth::drool:

Barret shakes his head and leaves into Wonder Square.

Aerith: ...I think he's mad.

Yuffie: Nooo... ya THINK?

Tifa: You are SUCH a genius, Aerith! NOW look what you've done!

April: It's okay. She's just trying to seem like an innocent ditz so she'll be remembered in the end by the OTHER dumb blond.

Everyone else except Angael and Katie?

Cloud: ...dumb blonde? Whozat?

Katie::swoon: Cloud's so CUTE!

Cloud: o.O; W-wow! Someone... who's over ten... thinks I'm... cute... :sweat:

Aerith and Tifa: Bwa..!

Everyone except Cloud face faults.

Meanwhile, back with Sephiroth and Crystal, Sephiroth has met Dio.

Sephiroth: Hey... have you heard of a think called the "Black Materia"?

Dio: Sure haven't! Ha ha ha!

Sephiroth: ...

Dio: Hey, boy... Why don't you and your girlfriend have a good time? I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.

Sephiroth: She's not my girlfriend.

Crystal: My standards are too high.

Dio: Ha ha ha! We have a nice romantic suite at Ghost Square!

Sephiroth: ... :not listening: I wonder where I can find a pair of Masamune boxers...

Crystal: ...Wark!

Sephiroth: Chocobo! RUN AWAY!

He runs away like a little Nancy. Remember Chapter 3? Anyways, Barret is wandering around Wonder Square.

Barret: I'm feelin' better now...

Back with Cloud...

Tifa: He'll be fine. He seems to be doing a little better now.

We return, again, to Crystal and Sephiroth.

Crystal: Oh! Dance Dance Revolution! Let's play! If I beat you, you have to help me wake up Vincent!

Sephiroth: The dancing game? Okay.

The put in some coins.

Screen music::happy music: I want to ride my bicycle...!

Sephiroth and Crystal start to dance... exactly the same! The moves are wild and alluring, with mad spinnies in the airness! I'm not actually that good...

Screen music::same as before: Don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Super Man...!

DDR: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

Crystal: Yeehaw!

Sephiroth: ...must... win...!

They continue their mad-ass cool dancing!

Screen music::happy cheering: Don't wanna be the President of America!

Crystal::singing: I say, "Cheese!"... Please!... I say, "Jesus!"

Screen music and Crystal::more happy music and singing: I don't wanna be a canidate or be another Watergate 'cause all I wanna do is...

Screen music, Sephiroth, and Crystal::music and singing in unison: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!

Screen music and Crystal::singing and wailing loudly: I want to ride my...!

Screen music, Sephiroth, and Crystal::same as before: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!

Zechs Merquise::watching: Wow.

After an overly happy tie, Sephiroth and Crystal sit down for some lunch.

Sephiroth: So, I wouldn't know... What's it like having a best friend?

He bites into his reuben.

Crystal: Not easy... Especially with Angael...

She stuffs a large chocolate doughnut into her mouth.

Sephiroth: What's the hardest part of it?

Crystal: Escaping unscathed.

Good news, ladies and germs! I've started on the comic, have a scanner set up, and will cough eventually cough get my comic version up for all to see! As for "Dancing in the Ruins", it may not be up for a while, so don't even bother looking for it at this point. I'll tell you as soon as I put it back on. Please be sure to check out the comic version, though it may not be up for another two or three weeks. It's going to go up in chapter segments. Watch for Chapter 19!


	19. Bloody Interlude

Final Fantasy VII rights SquareEnix (I'm gonna have to get used to that…) does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Yes… yes… an update. Thank you very much. This one has NOTHING to do with the script. Sorry.

The Dance of the Chocobos: Bloody Interlude

So, SimpTag…

-INSERT LAWSUIT HERE-

DAMNIT!

Sephiroth and Crystal leave Wonder Square and head to Speed Square. Angael enters Wonder Square. Sephiroth and Crystal get bored and head to Round Square. Angael leaves Wonder Square and heads to Speed Square. There's not an event at Round Square, so Crystal and Sephiroth leave and head to Battle Square. Angael starts to get angry and leaves Speed Square, heading for Round Square. Not finding them there, she heads to Chocobo Square.

Angael: Maybe if I just stay put here, they'll stop by, and I'll have the drop on them. Mwa ha ha ha! …now I'm monologue-ing?

Back in Battle Square…

Sephiroth: Ooooooooooh…!

Crystal: Aaaaaaaaah…!

Crystal and Sephiroth: It's killing time!

Sephiroth jumps a guy in the back of the room and steals his GP.

Guy: X.X;

Sephiroth: Thanks. I'm a far superior fighter. You surely won't be needing this.

Guy: X.X;

Sephiroth: Why, yes. I AM a god, aren't I?

MEANWHILE… Crystal is sneaking around inside the battle arena.

Crystal: Hmm… what's this? Sound speakers? This must be what plays the battle music in here…

She whips out her iPod, plays around with some of the wiring, and hooks it up to the speaker system.

Crystal: Mwa ha ha ha!

Climbing carefully up the side of the wall, she makes her way to the observation balcony and rips off her clothes… … …Take your time imagining this… … …to reveal a cheerleader uniform.

Crystal: Okay, Sephy-sama! Go go, rah rah rah!

Sephiroth walks in, looking badass. There's a massive bright light shining behind him and his cloak and hair are blowing in a non-existent wind, but at least it looks cool. Crystal pushes a button on her iPod and Dope's "Die MF Die" starts to blast through the speakers.

Sephiroth: HELL YES!

Speakers: Die mother f---er, die mother f---er, die! Die mother f---er, die mother f---er, die!

325 perfect battle later…

Sephiroth: Sooooo… does this championship belt make me look fat?

Crystal: Naw… but you DO look kinda stupid doing Omnislash. You keep hitting inanimate objects with Masamune. It's a bit… LONG… you know.

Sephiroth: I'm NOT overcompensating.

Crystal: Leather pants and no bulge, Sephiroth. Leather pants and no bulge.

Sephiroth: Oh, just you wait.

Crystal: …?

Sephiroth: I don't need your approval.

Crystal: Yes, you do.

Sephiroth: I don't have to prove anything.

Crystal: Yes, you do.

Sephiroth: Well, I don't care what you think.

Crystal: Yes, you do.

Sephiroth: …shut up.

See? You pester me enough, I'll actually update. But things have been tough here. I've had no job for the past 4 months or so, and I need to move out on my own soon, so I can't work for less than $10/hr. I have a new boyfriend, so a lot of my attention is going elsewhere. I'm waiting patiently to turn 21 this upcoming April so I can go drinking with him… I have to keep my parent's house up and running, while trying to find said job, and redecorate my room (my computer is elsewhere, so I can't get to my "Dance of the Chocobos" files, thus why this has NOTHING to do with FFVII storyline). And on top of all this, I had to cut off my beautiful hair. It's halfway down my neck now instead of halfway down my back. :cries: You won't see another update for a while, but I'll try and get my computer down and do some work in my spare time, okay? Meanwhile, I love hearing from readers. The reviews really keep me going. Thanks, everyone! Next time, I'll give you all a link to where you can look at the cover of the "Dance of the Chocobos" comic!


	20. WAFF

Final Fantasy VII rights SquareEnix does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Okay... BEFORE I continue with the story... where I actually left off... and I KNOW that I haven't done a real update in over a year... let me just say that it took me literally forever to find the original copy of Little Chiba's script. I had nothing to go off of. I lost my back-up disc, and my computer is in the garage. So I'm working with NOTHING here, people. And I've COMPLETELY forgotten where I was going with that joke. (You're laughing at me... I can hear it...) Oh... and my NEW boyfriend TJ has decided that he can't bring himself to sit down and read this. It's just too stoopid. :tears up: I'm just... so proud of me... :sniffle:

On another note... any of you guys who really wanted Angael to collect the useless items and do stuffz with Sephiroth... I.E. Angael fans... are gonna be mad at me. I'm gonna do something ROTTEN that a person really shouldn't do to their best friend. But it, unfortunately, happens in real life, and as you know, everything in this story is meant to be as realistic, objective, and neutral as possible...

The Dance of the Chocobos: WAFF

So... the singing quartet picked up their harmonicas and began to play a tune, but the Hyper Ninja girl, who had been earlier tossed into the shadows, activated her shinobi skillz, with a +4 against Singing Quartets, and rolled a perfect 20 crit! However, she still had to roll to confirm...

...WHERE THE HELL ARE MY DICE!

So Crystal (who has suddenly decided that she's twenty because three years have passé in the real world but only a month or two have passed here…) and Sephiroth have decided to take a break and head toward Ghost Square. They head up to the counter and talk to the receptionist.

Mr. Hangman: Sccreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

Crystal: WAAH!

She jumps up in fright and latches onto Sephiroth's arm.

Sephiroth: We'd like a room, please.

Mr. Hangman eyes the tattoo on Sephiroth's hand.

Mr. Hangman: Oh, you must be the couple Dio told me about...! We've been saving a room for you::smile: He said you were a cute couple!

Crystal: NOT. COUPLE.

Mr. Hangman: Here's your key. It's the door at the end of the hall.

Crystal snatches the key away from him. She pulls down her eyelid and sticks out her tongue at him.

Crystal: Bleeeeeeeeeeah!

She huffily heads up the stairs, Sephiroth trailing behind, shaking his head.

Sephiroth: ¬.¬; Well, at least she's hot...

Crystal: SEPHIROTH! STOP BEING SLOW!

Sephiroth: DARE YOU YELL AT ME? THE GREAT SEPHIROTH? MASTER OF ALL THINGS POWERFUL?

They reach the room.

Crystal: The only thing you're a master of is baiting.

Sephiroth: ...? I'm a master...baite.r... Ò.Ó YOU!

Crystal: Mwa ha ha ha!

She rolls around on the floor in glee.

Sephiroth: THAT'S IT! I'VE BEEN NICE SO FAR, BUT...

Crystal: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Sephiroth pulls out Masamune and...! Carefully lays it on the mantle, then angrily removes his trench coat, boots, and pants, and leaps upon Crystal!

Crystal: Yipe! Ó.Ò

She scrambles backwards, but isn't fast enough and... Somewhere in the Event Square, Cloud wanders around absently looking for... Umm... PCG. Ugh... I feel dirty now. He wanders up to a couple on a bench.

Tramp: What's your problem? Can't you see we wanna be alone?

Player: Geez, you're a real bummer. Why don't you leave us alone?

Tramp: ...Hey, where's my gum?

Player: Oh...

He pulls a piece of gum out of his mouth.

Player: Here. Sorry about that. I don't even know that I'm doing it anymore.

Cloud: PCG!

He steals the gum out of the player's hand and tosses it into his mouth.

Cloud: ..Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Aerith: O.O That... was... y.u...ck...!

Event Manager: Oi!

He yells and waves at Cloud and Aerith.

Event Manager: We put on a really unusual show here. From the looks of it, you'd fit right in! You guys need a job?

Cloud: ...whazzat?

Aerith: Uh... perhaps it'd just be best if we WATCHED...

She looks at Cloud.

Aerith: ¬.¬; You worry me.

Cloud: ...who's a what now?

Event Manager: It's not on today, but come back again sometime and see it.

Aerith grabs Cloud by the hand and leads him away towards Speed Square.

Aerith: Let's go somewhere where you have less of an audience... Tee hee!

Meanwhile, back with Sephiroth and Crystal...

Crystal::scream: No, Sephiroth...! Only with... Vin..c.ent...!

Sephiroth: Mmmm hmmm... :pinch:

Crystal: S..eph..i...

He grabs... err... something... :blush: I don't think even I should be watching this...

Sephiroth: Sluuuuuuurp!

OH my GOD! Now I KNOW I shouldn't be watching this!

Crystal: Ahhaaaaaann!

blush What... :blush: ...the... :blush: ... :blazes:... :blush: CLOUD! CLOUD AND AERITH! They're doing stuff! That isn't this!

Aerith: Speed Square looks like fun! Tee hee!

Dio: Hey, boy.

Cloud: Boy... what?

Dio: How is it? You having fun?

Cloud throws a confused look at Aerith, who has no trouble catching it.

Dio: Mmm, so you ARE having fun. Well, good, good for you boy.

Cloud: My name's Cloud. And stop calling me boy. I've always wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK!

NO! The Hand of God slaps Cloud!

Dio: Well, that's good. Always need more of them. Lot's of development in the cities now. Huge demand for lumber, boy.

He poses psuedo sexily.

Dio: Mmm? Me? I'm the owner of the Gold Saucer. The name's Dio. Just call me "Dio".

Cloud: ... la la la... :twirl: ...Ooh! Shiny::not even listening: Hello, little gil. I'll call you Judy.

Dio: By the way, boy, do you know what a "Black Materia" is?

Sephiroth would be very disappointed to find that the trail of his sources for information lead back to Cloud...

Cloud: ...What'a a huh? What is it?

Dio: Ha ha ha... that, I say, that's a good one, boy!

Cloud: Lumberjack.

Dio: But it's not a good lie. You can't fool me.

Cloud: Why d'you ask me?

Dio: Well, a while back, a boy your age came in with his HOT little chickie :hip thrust: and asked me if I had a "Black Materia". I thought you might know who he was, seein' as how you're both about the same age... give or take 10 years...

Cloud: Did he happen to have... a Black Cape...?

Dio: Why yes, yes indeed. And a tattoo on his hand that said "1".

Cloud: 21! I'm 21! I'm not too sure of a whole lot else, but I KNOW FOR SURE that I'm 21! SEPHIROTH IS 30! 30, 30, 30, 30, 30!

Cloud starts to throw a tantrum.

Aerith: Tee hee!

Cloud: That's it! Where did he go?

Dio: Ha ha ha, I have no idea. Ghost Square, maybe. Well then... I say, stop by the Battle Arena if you like, boy.

Cloud: LUMBERJACK! 21 YEARS OLD!

Dio::not listening: You'll probably like it. Many of my collections are on display there. Ha, ha ha.

He is still shaking with laughter as he leaves.

Crystal: OH MY GOD!

Cloud: Did you hear that?

Aerith::nodding: We'll have to save Crystal soon! I'm starting to worry! It sounds like Sephiroth's torturing her...!

God... I don't want to... but I know I'm gonna have to... :sigh: Back with Crystal and Sephiroth...Oh. Good. I can't see anything. Where the hell did all that steam come...fr.o..m... Oo;

Sephiroth: This'll... teach ya... to insult... my package... in leather... pants!

Crystal: Murffle!

Somewhere, far across the world, Vincent Valentine wakes from his peaceful slumber in a cold sweat.

Vincent: I feel as though a great indecency is being done to me... But... why? ¬.¬

And ELSEWHERE, across the world, Cid is dancing around in his underwear, singing along with a Bloodhound Gang song... He's holding a wrench like a microphone.

Cid::singing: Foxtrot. Uniform. Charlie. Kilo. Foxtrot. Uniform. Charlie. Kilo. Put the "you know what"... in the "you know where". Put the "you know what"... in the "you know where". Put the "you know what"... in the "you know where". Put the "you know what"... in the "you know where". Wahoo.

Back with Sephiroth and Crystal... :sob:

Crystal: Murrrrrfle::tear: ... :sob:

Sephiroth: Crying... woman...? Hn... you're... weaker... than I... thought...

Crystal: Waaaaaaaaaah::cries:

Sephiroth stops what he's doing... AND NO, I'M NOT GONNA GIVE ANY BLOODY DETAILS... and cups her cheek. Crystal looks up at him.

Crystal: ... :sniffle:

Sephiroth: I love you, you know.

Elsewhere, a shiver runs up Angael's spine...

Crystal: ...y... you do...?

Sephiroth: Yeah... you grew on me kinda quick...

The chill ends at the base of Angael's neck, making all her hairs stand on end.

Crystal: B..but...Vincent...

Sephiroth: Yeah... about that...

Angael's eye begins to twitch madly.

Sephiroth: There's no way I'm gonna let you go for him. WHOEVER he is.

Crystal: B..b..b...but... :whine:

He halts her by passionately kissing her, then, soon after, continues his previous actions. Elsewhere, tears stream down Angael's face.

Angael: SOMETHING IS NOT KOSHER IN HEBREW-LAND!

Okay... don't flame me. A friend of mine gave me that joke. AND HE'S JEWISH. Back with Cloud...

Cloud: Is there anything fun to do around here?

Aerith: Of course, silly! You're spending time with me! Tee hee!

Guy who wishes he'd left his kids at home with their mother: We have to be careful of these steps.

Kids: WHAI, DADDIE?

Guy who wishes he'd left his kids at home with their mother: What...? A lot of things...

Kids: OU. DADDIE IS SMAHRT. WEE LYKE HEEM BYKAZ HEE IS FHUN!

Aerith: Aww... what cute children...

Guy who wishes he'd left his kids at home with their mother: Really? You want them, lady? THEY'RE TOTALLY FREE.

Game junkie: First, I gotta memorize the order it somes out, and then guess on the attacks... mumble, mumble...

The attraction lady pulls Cloud aside.

Attraction lady: Oh, don't talk to him, mister. This is all he does all day.

Cloud: ...I like llamas.

Attraction lady: Do you want to hear the rules for this attraction?

Cloud: Yes. Waittaminute... no.

Attraction lady: This attraction, Shooting Coaster is...

Cloud: Speak you backwards.

Attraction lady: While your ride's going ZOOM, you're going BANG BANG...

Cloud::singing: I was five and he was six. We rode on horses made of sticks. He wore black and I wore white. He would always win the fight... BANG BANG... He shot me down...

Attraction lady: ...and things are going PHEW PHEW and you destroy them with a big BOOM. Pretty simple, isn't it? Oh, to shoot, hit the O button.

Cloud: ... :sweatdrop:

Attraction lady: And, the Bar that's shown on the left side of the screen is the Power Meter.

Cloud: ... :sweatdrop:

Attraction lady: When it's full, it'll go BROOOOOM and when it's empty, it'll only go BRM and become weak. So be careful. Also, if you're in the Top 3 you'll get on the Wall of Fame. Would you like to see the Wall of Fame?

Cloud: Yes. Waittaminute... no. I've really gotta stop doing that.

The attraction lady shows him the top scores.

Attraction lady: You'll recieve a prize if you get more than 3000 pionts. So good luck.

Cloud: O.O Prize?

Attraction lady: Yes.

Cloud: BANANA PHONE!

Attraction lady: No.

Cloud: Ò.Ó Then I don't want your dirty prizes!

He sticks his nose up in the air and huffily leaves for Wonder Square, dragging a confused Aerith behind him. Meanwhile, with Katie and April...

Katie: What the...?

Her fingers start to fizzle out. April's fingers fizzle out, too. They look at one another.

April and Katie: ...GUH!

They fizzle back into reality, standing in the bar where Crystal and Angael first entered the area.

April: DAMNIT!

Katie: Ditto!

April: Hey, you're Crystal's sister! Maybe you could fix our transporty-thingyma-stuffs!

Katie: I can try... but I don't know if it'll work...

April: It's worth a try...

Katie: I wonder why we fizzled out...

April: Maybe one of the guys decided to use their um... thing. ¬.¬;

Katie: How many did Crystal MAKE?

Back at Gold Saucer, where Katie and April once were, Anna, from here on known as "Panda", fizzles in. She's as tall as Crystal, with short, super-curled dark brown hair with a couple gold highlights in it. She's wearing panda pajamas and a pair of panda ears.

Panda: ...Something Crystal made... worked? Huzzah! Now, where is she? I need a chibi hentai fix!

And so, like a drug addict to her dealer, she begins to hunt down Crystal with a tenacity that only Panda could supply!

Panda: Maybe I should make some tea first... Where's the kitchen?

ALSO meanwhile, with Yuffie, Red XIII, and Tifa, in Round Square...

Gondola engineer: Welcome. This attraction is 3 GP. Shall you be riding this evening?

Yuffie, Tifa, and Red XIII: No, I shan't.

¬.¬; O...k.ay... I'm gonna regret this, but... back with Sephiroth and Crystal...

Sephiroth: Mmmm...

Crystal's head turns 360 degrees.

Crystal: Viiiiiiiiiiinceeeeeeeeeent!

Sephiroth: I said NO!

He grabs her close, pulling... stuff... tighter together... O.O;

Crystal: MURRFLE!

Sephiroth: MINE!

Crystal: Vin...

Sephiroth: GOD DAMNIT!

He grabs her face harshly, and forces her to look into his Mako eyes.

Sephiroth: YOU. ARE. MINE.

Crystal: O.O;

She begins to be hypnotized. I mean, well, Sephiroth doesn't REALLY have hypno powers, but if he were nekkie on top of you, grabbing your face and looking deep into your eyes, the WAFF would take over and you KNOW you'd do anything he told you to.

Crystal: CRYSTAL. YOURS.

Sephiroth: That's more like it.

Crystal's mind begins to fuzz out... and all thoughts of Vincent... are erased.

Everyone: ... :moment of silence:

:wipes away a tear:

Everyone: ...

Anyways, somewhere across the planet, Vincent wakes again in a cold sweat, this time clutching his heart.

Vincent: ...! This emptiness... like never before...! What madness has occurred...?

-Insert dramatic closing screenshot of Crystal, Vincent, Sephiroth, and Angael here.-

Yeah... I know. Pretty crappy way to end a chapter, huh? I thought I'd try for that "cliffhanger" thing they've been taking about lately. And I'm in a dramatic mood. I REALLY didn't want to erase everything Vincent from Crystal's mind... but I think it needed to happen. It'll give things an interesting twist. I don't know. Anyways, I know you guys are 1. upset I didn't give you any steamy details (this fic is rated R, not NC-17); 2. are SEETHING that Crystal went behind Angael's back and did stuffz with Sephiroth... (it wasn't her choice... she didn't want to... Sephy's kinda... forceful.); 3. totally in awe of the amazingness that I pulled with Tifa, Yuffie, and Red XIII (brilliant, huh?); 4. wondering why I got rid of Katie and April; 5. wondering who the hell Panda is, and what this "chibi hentai" thing is all about; and 6. waiting for another update. Sorry... it'll come soon enough, but I'm not getting enough reviews! This thing is already 20 chapters long and don't even have 50 reviews! YOU GUYS ARE SLACKERS! CUT AN AUTHOR SOME SLACK!


	21. WAFF is for Warm and Fuzzy Feelings

Final Fantasy VII SquareEnix does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Want... job... :runs around like a zombie:

The Dance of the Chocobos: WAFF is for Warm and Fuzzy Feelings

:wrestles her dice out of Chibi Sephy's maw: THOSE ARE NOT SKITTLES! Anyways, she still had to roll to confirm, but alas... no! She botched with a 1! Instead of the desired rescue of Angst Boy (yeah... that's a good replacement name), her shiruken landed...

CHIBI SEPHY! NOOOOOOO::takes him to the hospital from him choking on dice:

Crystal wakes up hours later, feeling sticky.

Crystal::groggy: Where the f--k am I...?

Sephiroth whispers in her ear from behind her.

Sephiroth::whisper: Such colorful language for such an innocent girl...

Crystal: Waittamin... OH MY GOD! ANGAEL'S GONNA KILL ME!

Meanwhile, downstairs in the lobby...

Zombie greeter: Welcome. Thank you for coming to the Ghost Hotel.

Angael: Standing around in Chocobo Square for THREE HOURS. GOD, I'm tired!

Zombie greeter: Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...

Back upstairs...

Crystal: I'M GONNA DIE! SHE'S DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW! I CAN HEAR HER!

Sephiroth::purr: Don't worry. I'll just put up a barrier. She won't be able to see, hear, or smell us.

Crystal: ...we do smell like... well... y'know.

Sephiroth: And I'm ready for round eight. Are you gonna behave this time?

Crystal: Look, Sephy, it's been grand, but for some reason, I can't remember why the hell I decided to join you for a round or two...

Sephiroth: Seven.

Crystal: ...a round or seven of "mattress wrestling". I can't seem to remember anything that happened between outside of Corel and here, and I'd like an explanation, and a way to break this news to Angael. I mean, she's my best friend!

Sephiroth: Is that all...?

Crystal: I WANT TO LIVE.

Sephiroth: Fine. I'll make you a deal. Just pretend as though nothing happened. If it comes up, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Crystal: And fall off that bridge and fall to a bloody, splattered death.

Sephiroth: You were all kisses and huggles before it got serious...

Crystal::glaring daggers: That's because my neck wasn't on the line!

Sephiroth::shrugs: Hey... I told you in Junon that I wanted you as my right hand woman.

Jenova: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: Other than mom...

Lucrecia: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: And that strange woman from my dreams...

Captain Kirk: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: And Captain Kirk, cuz he just rulz.

Crystal: ... ¬.¬;

Sephiroth: But of all four of the people at my right hand, you're at the top.

Jenova, Lucrecia, and Captain Kirk: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: Now... c'mere. :huggle:

Crystal: Um... :huggled:

Sephiroth: Besides, if Angael really cares about you, she'll understand. And other than Angael, what was stopping you from being with me...?

Crystal tries to think, but nothing comes up, because she can't remember Vincent at all.

Crystal: ...I guess you're right...

Sephiroth: Well, that's just because I'm ALWAYS right. :rolls his eyes: Duh.

Crystal: FINE. But at least take me out for food stuffz.

Sephiroth: Alright. I heard they were doing "Dinner and a Show" at Event Square.

Back downstairs...

Angael: I need a room, Zombie Man.

Zombie greeter: For reservations, please step up to the counter. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh...

Angael: Man... you must really hate your job.

Zombie greeter::disgruntled: Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh...

Angael steps up to the counter.

Mr. Hangman::from above: It's our most popular employee, Mr. Hangman...!

Screen music::drum roll: Da da da dum da dum da dummmmm!

Mr. Hangman: Welcome! It's 5 GP a night. Would you like to stay?

Angael: Yeah...

She hands him 5 GP that she'd previously found lying in the bathroom.

Mr. Hangman: Thank you...::thinking: Squishy...? Ewww!

Angael heads up to her room and shuts the door. Three seconds later, Sephiroth emerges from his room, fully clothed, with Crystal tailing behind, wearing a pink floor length dress with lace and frills... She looks a lot like Princess Zelda.

Crystal: That's cuz I sew really awesome costumes and I brought them with me. Nyah::tongue:

She and Sephiroth leave the area. Meanwhile, Cloud has rounded up Yuffie, Red XIII, and Tifa, and they, along with Aerith, head to Battle Square.

Guard: I'm sorry, we're currently renovating. Please come again.

Nobody notices Yuffie sneak past the guard. She avoids all the technicians who are trying to figure out why the sound system isn't working properly, and heads into Dio's Museum.

Yuffie: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

She looks around, gauging what she can stuff into her satchel without anyone noticing. She grabs something that looks like a journal. A blue text box appears that says: Yuffie received "Dio's Combat Diary"! She stuffs it haphazardly into her bag. She also grabs a very large bag of what looks to be action figures. A blue text box appears that says: Yuffie received "1/32 Inch Soldier"!

Yuffie: Ooh... SHINY...

She grabs a bag full of shiny, pointy objects. A blue text box appears that says: Yuffie received "False Masamune Blade"! However, in grabbing this bag, she cuts herself on one of the blades, and quickly grabs a half used box of tissues. A blue text box appears that says: Yuffie received "Tissue"! She totally disregards the floating rock centerpiece (which kind of looks like it could be a key to some sort of temple somewhere) and heads back out the door, past the engineers, down the stairs, and past the guard...

Yuffie: Hey, Cloud! Look at what I found!

Cloud: ...Wow! Where'd you get all this cool stuff?

Yuffie: I won it! FEAR AND RESPECT ME!

Cloud: ...Yuffie... this junk is useless...

Yuffie: Whaddya mean, useless? This is LITERALLY all the stuff Angael needs for her mini-quest! Weren't you paying attention outside Junon!.?

Cloud: ...who's a what now?

Yuffie: I can sell them to Angael for MASSIVE CASH.

She rubs her hands together greedily.

Yuffie: Nyuk nyuk nyuk... Here, Cloud. Carry these.

Cloud: Nooooo... I don' wanna!

Tifa: Yuffie, stop pestering my man!

Aerith: You mean MY man.

Tifa: I grew up with him.

Aerith: I healed him.

Tifa: Pig.

Red XIII: I'm beginning to think I was better of staying with Hojo...

Meanwhile, back with Sephiroth and Crystal... They arrive at Event Square and enter the area...

Greeter: Congratulations! You two are our 100th couple!

Crystal: Oh... God... This isn't the thing where I'm the princess and I've gotta be saved from a dragon, is it?

Greeter: ...What? No... but that's a great idea! I'll have to run that by the manager and see if we can work that one out...

He writes it down.

Greeter: ...but you guys are invited to be part of our show...

He ushers them to the back, handing them some very thick scripts. An hour later... Sephiroth is on stage wearing a very Victorian-esque outfit, and Crystal is in a floor length ball gown that is only slightly more overdone than the outfit she was in before.

Crystal::singing operatically: DRA- - - -CO- - - -!

Sephiroth::singing operatically: MA- - - -RIA- - - -!

Crystal::singing operatically: DRA- - - -CO- - - -::stomach growl: O.O;

Alucard (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night), who is sitting in the audience, wipes away a tear.

Sephiroth::singing operatically: MA- - - -RIA- - - -::grin:

After the show…

Greeter: WoooooooooOW! That was AMAZING! They're just gonna play some light music now, so please enjoy a meal on the house. Feel free to order anything on the menu that you like!

Crystal: Yessssssss! FOOOOOOOOD!

Light music begins to play. It's Vincent Valentine's Theme… and suddenly, Crystal is…! Unaffected.

That's all for now. Two updates in 24 hours. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. PLEASE! REVIEW::cries:


	22. Things That Make You Go… BOOOOOOOM!

Final Fantasy VII SquareEnix does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.

Still… no… job… :still walking around like a zombie: By the way, I've received… COMPLAINTS… about the seriousness of part of chapter 21. I don't know how any of you guys are gonna survive when it's time to kill off Aerith…

Audience: What the HELL are you talking about? That's one serious part that we're looking forward to! Besides, seeing what you've done so far, we KNOW that you're gonna make it funny in some way…

The Dance of the Chocobos: Things That Make You Go… BOOOOOOOM!

Um… so… :is worried about Chibi Sephy, who is in surgery right now for d20 related asphyxiation: Um… hyper ninja… :glances worriedly at the clock on the hospital wall and is having trouble concentrating: …landed her shiruken right down the front of Angst Boys… uh::twiddles thumbs: …shirt, busting it open with such force that fangirls everywhere begin to drown in their own drool…

:sniffle: Chibi Sephy… :wail: IS DROWNING BECAUSE OF DICE::sobsobsob:

Please send your love and best wishes for Chibi Sephy by way of reviewing this chapter. Thank you.

When last we saw our heroes… "our heroes", of course, meaning Sephiroth and Crystal, because I'm sure everyone would rather hear about them… Damn you, SquareEnix! When are you gonna come out with a Sephiroth video game? I'm already counting down until Dirge of Cerberus… COME OUT FASTER! FASTER! FASTER! FASTER! Um…

Sephiroth: I'm waiting…

When last we saw Crystal and Sephiroth, they were in Event Square, enjoying a lovely dinner together… Pardon me… lovely "FREE" dinner together…

Crystal::snarf chomp chomp bite chew:

Sephiroth: O.O;

Crystal::murffle: What? Octopus sushi is really chewy…::squish chew chew chomp swallow:

Sephiroth: ¬.¬; R..i.ght…

He calmly continues to eat his tako salad. (Tako salad is baby octopi……………………………………………………STOP CRYING FOR THE BABY OCTOPI!)

Crystal: Could you call the waiter over here, please?

Sephiroth: Sure. But don't order any more octopus. You'd been working on that same piece for over ten minutes.

Crystal::rubbing jaw: Yeah… my mouth's a little tired after that…

Sephiroth yells for the waiter.

Waiter: Yessir?

Crystal: May we have two orders of Samurai rolls, please?

Waiter: Certainly. I'll be back with that in a moment.

Sephiroth: What's a Samurai roll?

Crystal: It's unagi with cream cheese and avocado and… something else… I'm not sure… wrapped in nori, wrapped in rice, then VERY LIGHTLY tempura coated… sliced into rolls. VERY AWESOME WITH THE UNAGI.

Sephiroth: …what's unagi?

Crystal::choke: …WHAT!

Sephiroth: I said, "What's unagi?"

Crystal::cough cough: Only the best anything ever! It's smoked eel with this really awesome sweet sauce of ROCK ON-ness.

Sephiroth: Ah. I see now. My bad.

The waiter returns and sets the Samurai rolls in front of them.

Sephiroth: Shu-kuriimu, o-negai shimasu.

The waiter nods, then turns and heads back to the kitchen.

Crystal: O.O :impressed: Did you just order an éclair? In Japanese?

Sephiroth: Well, I figured you were speaking it, so I may as well do the same.

Crystal: …Take me. I'm yours.

Sephiroth::grin:

Meanwhile, Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, Yuffie, and Red XIII have all gotten together and are heading to Wonder Square. Currently, they're in the tube chute.

Cloud: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Aerith: Tee hee!

Yuffie: Waaaaaa hoooooo!

Tifa: Ow! Ow! Stupid hair getting caught on dumb tube nuts and bolts! OW OW OW!

Red XIII::eyes squeezed shut: Grandpa save me…!

They hit the end of the tube, and end up in a huge pile. A stuffed cat riding a giant moogle bounces up to them.

Guy who's existence I'd prefer to not even acknowledge: Hey you! What're you lookin' so down for?

Cloud: I look down 'cuz I'm on the ground… below you.

Tifa: Cloud… don't touch me there…

Aerith: Ò.Ó PARDON ME?

Tifa: Ooh! Touch me there!

Yuffie: Ninja… can't… breathe…! Why does it feel like a dog's humping my leg…?

Red XIII: I can't help where I land.

Yuffie: X.X;

Cloud: …ow.

GWEIPTNEA: How 'bout it? Want me to read your fortune? A bright future! A happy future! Oh, but don't hold it against me if it's not a great prediction!

Yuffie: I predict that I'm gonna stick a shiruken up your ass if you don't GET OFF ME!

Cloud stands up, leaving the girls and Red to try and sort out their limbs.

GWEIPTNEA: Oh, so sorry! I'm a fortune telling machine. The name's…

The character naming screen appears in front of Cloud.

Cloud: What the…? Cool! I get to name it? I haven't gotten to name anything since my pet rock died.

Yuffie: How do you manage to kill a pet rock?

Cloud: He ran away and was run over by a car.

Yuffie: …

Cait Sith: Cait Sith!

Cloud looks around.

Cloud: No… none of us are "Cait Sith".

Cait Sith: No, no, no. That's my name.

Cloud: Ohhh…………………. Who's a what now?

Tifa: Cloud, pay attention!

Cloud: RIGHT::whispering: Hero of Summer::normally: So… you can only read the future?

Cait Sith: You kidding! I can find missing things, missing people, anything! I can read the past :cough: if you give me a history book or a diary :cough:. I can tell you where your loved ones are :cough: if you have a phone number :cough:. Heck, I can even tell you when you're gonna die.

He looks meaningfully at Aerith.

Aerith::not paying attention: Tee hee!

Cloud: Then can you tell me where a man named Sephiroth is?

Cait Sith: Sephiroth, right? Okay, here goes!

Cait does a little fortune telling dance. OO It scares me… :huggles a Sephy plushie: Cait Sith hands a small slip of paper to him.

Cloud: …Ordinary luck. It will be an active fortune. Give into the good will of others, and something big'll happen by summer. …wait… what's this? HERO OF SUMMER! FINALLY! ALL MY DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!

Do you have any clue how long I had to hold onto that joke just to get to this point? Totally worth it. Anyways, Cloud grins wildly, then looks at the back of the slip of paper.

Cloud: Your lucky numbers are 13, 27, 57, 99, and 666.

Cait Sith: Huh? Let me try again.

Cait does his little dance again. For some reason, it starts to rain. This gives the girls just enough lubrication to scramble apart, then run to find shelter. Cait hands Cloud another slip of paper.

Cloud: Be careful of forgetfulness… Um… Who's a what now…? Your lucky color is… blue? Your lucky number is 42? …Forget it. :thinking: I already have. :smile:

Cait Sith: Wait, wait! Give me another chance! Wait! Let me try it again!

Cloud: Damn! Okay! Okay! Don't gotta be so pushy!

Cait does a SUPER dance, and it starts to hail.

Cloud: ..Ow.. OW…. OW!

He gets pelted. Cait Sith hands him a final slip of paper.

Cloud: …What the?

Aerith: What?

Tifa: Cloud, pay attention.

Yuffie: I'm FREEZING!

Cloud: What you pursue will be yours. But you will lose something dear. :thinking: What a crappy fortune telling machine.

Other guy in Cloud's head: You should cut him in two.

Cloud::thinking: I should, shouldn't I::smile: I ALWAYS do what the voices in my head tell me to.

Cloud starts to reach for his sword, dropping the piece of paper on the ground simultaneously, when Cait Sith speaks up.

Cait Sith. I don't know if it's good OR bad… This's the first time I ever got something like THIS. :nodding: Then shall we?

Cloud: Yes.

Cloud pulls out his sword.

Cloud: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?

I don't own any rights to Batman.

Aerith: What are you talking about?

Tifa: Pay attention, bitch.

Aerith: Oh, shut up.

Aerith swings a really hard punch in Tifa's direction, instantly knocking Tifa out.

Cait Sith: As a fortune teller, I can't help but think about this. If I don't see what it leads to, I won't be able to relax. That's why I'm going with you.

Yuffie: I get it. You're kind of like the fortune teller who was hired to kill someone, so you read their fortune and tell them they'll be run over by a truck, and when it happens, you're the one driving the truck, and no one will suspect you.

Cait Sith: That has nothing to do with it.

Yuffie: Sure, it doesn't. :thinking: I can't let his sneaky plan undermine my sneaky plan… This is WAR. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Aerith: What are we going to do, Cloud?

No response.

Aerith: Cloud…?

Cloud: Why is the person who gives me alcohol unconscious on the floor?

Aerith: Well… she was tired, I guess.

Cloud: Oh.

Cait Sith: Well, I'm comin' with you no matter WHAT you say!

He huddles up next to Cloud.

Cloud: H… hey! Personal space! 5 feet! Now! Aerith, grab Tifa. We'll go stay at the hotel. Cait… I don't know.

Aerith grabs Tifa by the pony tail and drags her away. The piece of paper is still on the floor, back side facing up. It says "Sephiroth is in Event Square." But nobody notices.

Because it took me over two weeks to write this chapter: I GOT A JOB! YAY! I'm making over $10.00/hr plus benefits as a greeter at Verison! I highly suggest trying to work for them if you have good customer service and retail skillz.

Erm… I OBVIOUSLY don't own the rights to Verison. Don't sue me!


End file.
